Free from Imprisonment!

Now... I myself have never been to prison, but let me tell you my dear readers... I FEEL LIKE I'VE JUST FINISHED SERVING MY TIME!



Though definitely my ordeal in Temasek Polytechnic Design School cannot be compared to what prison must be like, I still feel like I have regained the freedom I had not felt in so long.

Not just remembering the hard and bitter times, I also remember the joyful and happy times, where coursemates would laugh together and have jolly fun. And not forgetting the many many things I've learnt in design school, the majority of which have nothing to do with Design itself.

However, if I DO remember these jolly times, then why do i still feel a sense of relief that I am now finally out of this torture?

I tell you, my dear readers, it is because of the way the School is lead so, and by how the Lecturers are teaching so, and how it is no longer about the students welfare. It has become the opposite of caring for the students.

All that the school seems to care about is merely about the REPUTATION of the school and not the students. Like a Diploma Show that only lets 'presentable' students work be showcased. It's not for the students sake...its just for the school.

Then there are those who teach.

There is favoritism, biasness, and unequal treatment. But to me, these are forgivable, because it is everywhere in this world and it is inevitable in encountering such things. What really disappoints me is when our mentors merely see it their own way. They have become deluded in their own personal idea of design, not having the thought of what an idea or concept could be, but merely of... 'this is GOOD, and this is BAD, because i said so'.

I am just scratching the surface of the iceburg in the ocean, but I am quite sure many fellow students would agree with me. This is just my rant.

Just so you know (whoever is reading), all that bullshit to try and convince the students hasn't changed anyones opinion at all. Only made things look worse. Ironic really.



Oh... IM FREE! HAHA!

A Mystery which no longer allures

She's a mystery which is not worth solving

You may be dissapointed at unravelling it

A Fool's Wisdom

wis·dom

the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.



Ah wisdom, the much sought after treasure of my existance.

For those who do not know, wisdom was something i believed to have, years back in secondary school, and was something i thought was lost to me in my poly years.

In my poly years, it was quite a torturous and fustratingly angst i would hold against myself. I would think to myself, "Dammit, whats happened to me? I dont even think anymore". But then of course, i got used to that fact and it became a part of me.

Perhaps some of my old friends would remember me using this phrase.

"A greying of the mind."

A time when thoughts suddenly dont flow, and one is nothing but pretty much a bag of meat with primitive needs and wants.



I had perceived this to be akin to...losing my 'wisdom'. Because, in my secondary school days (which was when i had an immense amount of free time), i used spend my time thinking and thinking and thinking. And through this, i did gain alot more insight into things than most of my other school-mates.

However, the fall began when I started to put myself on a pedestal in between the transition from my sec school to polytechnic school.

And by doing so, my descent of the mind came swiftly upon me.



Since june last year, during the Youth in the Spirit Seminar i attended, i looked back deeply into my past. It was then that i recalled how i looked upon my so called wisdom, as well as my 'greying of the mind', which by then, i had already accepted as part of my life.

Honestly, i still believe that what i had in the past, was indeed a form of wisdom (at least for my age at the time). But as i have been given, so can it be taken away.



It was on the 3rd of Feb, Sunday 2008 that i read this phrase from William Shakespeare.

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."
- William Shakespeare

I was taken aback as i read this.

How true his words resounded in my head.



So, lets ask ourselves. Is our wisdom a false and indulgent one? Or is it a true and virtuous one?

God help me

to love those whom i hate.

18th YISS

Tomorrow, i am going to the Youth In The Spirit Seminar. Again.

For those of you who remember, which i shall count as none, i went for the 17th YISS on June.

It was life changing for me.

Now im going through it again, but no longer as a participant. I am part of the service team for the camp this time around.

I wonder if it will be another life changing experience.

It's a 4 day camp, so i won't be home till Sunday night. And i'll probably be too tired to go online then.



If anyone of you out there still reads my blog, tell me k.

Or i might consider halting the posts. This blog isnt for me. Its for my friends who dont talk much to me yeah. So if you out there, just leave me a post.

Please.



Till the next distance update, whoever is there =)

Exhalt and be humbled

For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.
Luke 14:11

-

A man's pride will bring him low, But a humble spirit will obtain honor.
Proverbs 29:23
-
Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.
Matthew 23:12
-



Don't show off for your own satisfaction.

Just one sentence

Anything that is out of my capability to solve, despite my stubborness, I hope that I remember to leave it to God.

The Nights

It's difficult not to feel lonely at night sometimes, when im the only one awake in the darkness.

It's rare. But it still happens.



Have you ever had that feeling when you are walking in the darkness.

As you gaze up unto the floating orb, glowing in the darkness.

Have you ever wondered.

Which lonely soul yet gazes upon that same moon, distant but yet connected by this otherwordly planetary being.

The thought that goes through my head in such situations is often something like,


'I feel your sorrow, and I share it with you'.


It's not something which I distinctly think. It's just something thats felt without any need for considering.



Or maybe it's just me being abnormal.

Hehe.

Oh yar.

I remember myself saying i wanted some time away from all my coursemates. Cos im sick of them.

I hope theres nothing wrong with that, after all i think all of us need some time apart.

So i hope to spend some time away from them.

Including dota matches which honestly, i only still play for the sake of brotherhood since its becoming more of a pain rather then fun to play now for some reason.

I just want a break, where i dont have to do anything, and nothing is expected of me, and i dont have to be on time for wadever.

Chalet is still ok.

Gentiles

Since when was it regarded as wrong or unadvisable to be diligent in ones faith?

Since when has the right and proper way become the one looked down upon?!

Just like Father William said, they will make white as black and black as white, turning the values of this world upside down.

Well right now, i just pity those who look upon faith and religion like this. Dunno what is the problem.

It does not matter WHAT religion, as long as you RESPECT others and thier beliefs.

Against such people i find my tolerance wears thin sometimes, though i know i should have no contempt.

I should pray for them.

1 week

Well finally PID project 3 is over and done with and thank goodness for that.

Actually, P3 was pretty good for me. Despite my CHINA partner and the constant bodily ailments, looking back, and seeing the final outcome, it was really a good experience.

It really reminded me of FODEV, that year 1 subject. Its fun when looking back. For P1 and P2 however...those are just painful. Terribly painful.

I am glad i survived and completed this project without any regret, unlike some of my previous projects where i feel unsatisfied with the outcome.

I am content.

I also went to Amplify fridays after a 3 week absence. It was held in St. Peter & Paul. The feeling was...different this time. And not because of the venue, but rather I am sure its because of the long absence from the grace of all those peoples company. But it still felt great. Got to meet new people, and more importantly, see the same old faces.

Ill put a picture of my furniture piece (with me inside, unfortunately).


My hair is tied in the picture so please, its doesnt normally look like that =)

I dont have any better quality pictures so...ill show more of other peoples work if i have the pictures in the near future.



Oh yeah, so after my P3 deadline, I now have a pathetic 1 week break. Thankfully theres gonna be a chalet.

Then its back to school again. Damn.

Patience

Patience is a virtue.

These past weeks, my patience has been put to the test.

Some people think i have no patience.

Some people think i have much patience.

But this much i know, it has been tested multiple times recently.

A friend of mine who has little patience tells me she prays for it every week.

I have been upsetting that patience of hers without fail now and then. Unintentionally of course.

She tells me. I must be the test given to her, and she will try one more time for tolerance.

I tell her i am sure the test cannot be so easy and so short. It is a test after all. It is never easy, and it is never just ONE MORE TIME.

And so the ordeal is the same for me. Constantly my patience has been put to the limit and together with this bout of sickness im experiencing, it is just so hard to go on without losing my ideals and morals.

I have been feeling lost and the feeling of guilt from drifting so far in such a short time is just making me want to forget about everything.

Forget about school. The endless gossip. The senseless conversations. The constant unease.

Everything is just clotting up my brain and somewhere deep inside guilt is lingering and chipping away at my conscience and part of my sanity with it.

I just need...to last awhile longer.

Friday. Sept 14th 2007

as ever, its been awhile since i updated.

life has been...eventful.

but i find it ever so hard to get the details down.

as long as i experience it and i remember the events that have happened, i feel like i have no need to inform the world of my life and experiences.

this blog no longer has much of any significance to me.

but i will still try to write. TRY.

because my writing skills are going down the drain, and cos i think it helps to put down some thoughts i have. thoughts that linger but dont stay for long you know, till some weeks or months later. and then they are gone again till who knows when.



i am reaching the end of my poly life in a few months time. maybe 4 or 5 months more? it might sound like a long period of time, but anyone who schools knows that it passes by faster then we realise.

frankly i want it to end. its not that i dislike my school. i just dislike the way some things are done. and its not to do with block teaching.

seriously. my course needs more open mindedness. and im not talking about the students.



ive been really slacking from my religious duties as well. ive been away for too long, been letting myself go unchecked. the ways of the world and of the spirit are truly too different.



till next time.

Thought of the day

I've come to realise.

It is not enough to simply love God and no one else.

Each of us must have that same love for our fellow humans that we have for God and ourselves.

[John 13:34-35]
<34> And now i give you a new commandment: love one another. As i have loved you, so you must love one another.<35> If you have love for one another, then everyone will know that you are my disciples.


I implore those who are interested to read [Matthew 5:43-48]

God, or The world

Which do you choose.



For those who dont know, i am so called "a new man (19 yr old young man?) in faith" now. After coming back from a church retreat, i feel renewed in my faith. After wandering in question and aimlessness for some years, walking away from the church trying to search my own path in life, yes, now i am back with God. And i am glad. But my journey has just begun. Weeks after the church retreat, i am back into the world as we know it. The harsh and sinful world. I am trying my best to adapt into my new life and to live with faith all the way with every living breath. But i must admit, it is not easy.



For those wondering why i've left this blog so stagnant, i've really lost my mood to blog. Theres nothing really compelling me to really get on with writing in this quiet blog of mine. Lately ive been thinking about stating my thoughts and views of the bible but i am just so lazy. Its not an excuse, definitely not. Its just a terrible fact.

The thoughts of reading the bible are often in my head during those lonely nights i so often have. Those damned 'emo' nights that so many of us know well enough. But the truth is, even though its on my mind, i never pick that bible up. I tried for some nights but i could not keep focus and over the days i just slowly read less...and less.

You know what. I am going to start tmrw. Or rather, this coming night. I will try my best and i know that God will help me and guide me along and keep me focused, as long as i just WANT TO read that bible.

Got to work on loving everyone as well. Loving just God is not enough. Have to love others as i would love Jesus as well.

Theres so much more going on in my head now but im gonna end off here for now.

Ill try to keep my life updated here in future too =)

I am really tired of caring about people who wouldnt bother giving me even half of that concern back.

Really, i am sick of it.



Always having to start a conversation,

Always having one sided conversation of experiences,

Always having to ask before im told anything.



It makes me feel like im just not needed.

Why do i always have to give a fuck.

Sometimes it really does suck having a conscience.

Riddle

Heres a riddle for all of you out there.



The Pope has it but he does not use it.
Your father has it but your mother uses it.
Nuns do not need it.
Your lady friend's husband has it and she uses it.

What is it?



For the answer, highlight in between the asteriks



*A Last Name*



i think its quite smart =)

Male Bitching

The following is a conversation between my good friend who shall be indentified as ANON. Cool name right. Basically, its me and him bitching about our dear boss.

All names except mind are edited. All emails cencored too!


Session Start: Monday, May 14, 2007
Arch...3 more working days, BIATCH!... (xxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com)
ANON (xxx@hotmail.com)

(7:35 PM) Arch:
hello boy
(7:35 PM) ANON:
yes boy
(7:35 PM) Arch:
today i went for the furniture talk
(7:35 PM) Arch:
and i sat next to bacus
(7:35 PM) Arch:
ahaha
(7:36 PM) Arch:
and *** (cencored) and the rest saw him oso
(7:36 PM) Arch:
and they all say he look like china man
(7:36 PM) Arch:
HAHAHA
(7:36 PM) ANON:
lol
(7:36 PM) ANON:
kns
(7:36 PM) Arch:
and *** say he looks like those very miser and pathetic guy
(7:36 PM) ANON:
LOL!
(7:36 PM) Arch:
DVD (also name edited) say her impression of him not so good now LOL
(7:37 PM) ANON:
LoL
(7:37 PM) ANON:
how come
(7:37 PM) Arch:
cos she always thought he is the tall and more manly type
(7:37 PM) Arch:
but in the end he like those very pathetic fella
(7:37 PM) Arch:
LOL
(7:37 PM) Arch:
not charming or wadever
(7:38 PM) Arch:
what they say all made me laugh alot ah
(7:38 PM) Arch:
but good lah, they see him then they dont like him
(7:38 PM) Arch:
lol
(7:39 PM) ANON:
LOl
(7:39 PM) ANON:
they pressed him down damn fast
(7:40 PM) ANON:
LoL
(7:40 PM) Arch:
HAHA
(7:40 PM) Arch:
i never say anything bad eh
(7:40 PM) Arch:
is thier own impression
(7:40 PM) Arch:
but what *** say about him is true
(7:40 PM) Arch:
haha
(7:40 PM) Arch:
eh btw
(7:40 PM) Arch:
he sitting next to jarrod lim
(7:40 PM) Arch:
and both of them all the way like making fun of people ah
(7:41 PM) Arch:
and *** say he can hear bacus and jarrod talking behind people back
(7:41 PM) Arch:
cos he sit in front of them
(7:48 PM) ANON:
lol
(7:49 PM) Arch:
and bacus say
(7:49 PM) Arch:
tp designers all useless
(7:49 PM) Arch:
lol
(7:49 PM) Arch:
*** heard
(7:53 PM)
Arch...3 more working days, BIATCH!... has changed his/her name to "Arch...some cheena looking foo'..."
(7:53 PM) ANON:
LoL
(7:53 PM) ANON:
isnt him one of them
(7:53 PM) ANON:
LOL
(7:53 PM) ANON:
haiz, finally he admit himself useless liao
(7:53 PM) ANON:
lOl
(7:54 PM) Arch:
lol
(7:54 PM) Arch:
but he never tell us eh
(7:54 PM) Arch:
he whispering to jarrod
(7:54 PM) Arch:
only *** heard
(7:54 PM) Arch:
i next to him oso didnt hear
(7:54 PM) Arch:
probably cos they leaning forward when talking
(7:56 PM) ANON:
lOl
(7:56 PM) ANON:
gay
(7:56 PM) Arch:
yeah lah
(7:56 PM) Arch:
so cos of that *** got VERY BAD impression of him
(7:56 PM) Arch:
LOL
(7:57 PM) ANON:
LOL
(7:57 PM) ANON:
who wouldnt
(7:57 PM) ANON:
see
(7:57 PM) ANON:
all along say him weird is correct
(7:57 PM) Arch:
hahahaa
(7:57 PM) Arch:
HAHAHA
(7:57 PM) ANON:
just feel he is weird. kinda eccentric lah
(7:57 PM) Arch:
i was telling ***, after hearing all thier comment, i can rightfully say all the bad things already, cos actually i hold back cos dont want to give them too bad an impression of bacus
(7:58 PM) ANON:
LOL
(7:58 PM) ANON:
no need to hold back one lah
(7:59 PM) Arch:
HAHA
(7:59 PM) ANON:
intuition tells you is bad means correct one
(7:59 PM) Arch:
i was telling *** CONFIRM you will say that HAHAHAA
(7:59 PM) Arch:
i know he is jiat lat
(7:59 PM) ANON:
like me. WEIRD AND ECCENTRIC
(7:59 PM) Arch:
but i dont want to give *** and DVD an impression from my words, i want them to see for themself
(7:59 PM) Arch:
lol
(7:59 PM) ANON:
LoL
(7:59 PM) Arch:
i think wierd and eccentric not good enough
(7:59 PM) Arch:
i feel he is unprofessional and not boss like
(8:00 PM) Arch:
like an auntie
(8:00 PM) Arch:
talk too much cock
(8:00 PM) ANON:
yaa
(8:00 PM) Arch:
look down on people
(8:00 PM) Arch:
never guide us
(8:00 PM) Arch:
talk behind people back
(8:00 PM) Arch:
MISER
(8:00 PM) ANON:
the very starting, working a few times felt boring already
(8:00 PM) ANON:
cannot even work together
(8:00 PM) Arch:
lol
(8:01 PM) ANON:
hear that we working together when he away. face change
(8:01 PM) ANON:
ku ku sia
(8:01 PM) Arch:
lol
(8:01 PM) ANON:
all along i only trying my best to please him
(8:01 PM) Arch:
you know why anot
(8:01 PM) ANON:
kns
(8:01 PM) Arch:
MUST BE COS
(8:01 PM) Arch:
must be cos
(8:01 PM) Arch:
he dont want to pay us more
(8:01 PM) Arch:
we turn up during those days he have to pay
(8:01 PM) Arch:
so he of course turn face
(8:01 PM) ANON:
give out all my best then still kena nag by him
(8:02 PM) ANON:
then thats very niao of him
(8:02 PM) Arch:
thats what i think ah...no other reason what...
(8:02 PM) Arch:
LOL
(8:02 PM) ANON:
if his company is doing well. got regconition some more
(8:02 PM) ANON:
420 plus plus
(8:02 PM) Arch:
his company regocnition is not high you know
(8:02 PM) Arch:
thats what i believe
(8:03 PM) ANON:
machiam give liao one painting in the gallery will suddenly vanished like that
(8:03 PM) Arch:
LOL
(8:03 PM) ANON:
like pay us extra will die like that lor
(8:03 PM) ANON:
his pay ar
(8:03 PM) Arch:
hahahaa
(8:03 PM) Arch:
yeah
(8:04 PM) ANON:
cant even cover my meals over there lah
(8:04 PM) ANON:
transport the worst
(8:04 PM) Arch:
yeah agreed
(8:04 PM) Arch:
eh boy
(8:04 PM) Arch:
do you mind if i take the convo and put on my blog
(8:04 PM) Arch:
LOL
(8:04 PM) Arch:
i think damn funny
(8:04 PM) Arch:
but i will cencore all names
(8:04 PM) Arch:
except mine
(8:11 PM)
Arch has changed his/her personal message to "My design company boss doesnt know "who is SeymourPowell"
(8:11 PM) Arch:
eh ANON
(8:12 PM) Arch:
you got read what i asked?
(8:12 PM) ANON:
yaya
(8:12 PM) ANON:
go ahead lor
(8:12 PM) Arch:
lol ok
(8:12 PM) ANON:
lOl
(8:12 PM) Arch:
yayyy
(8:12 PM) ANON:
just a common convo
(8:12 PM) ANON:
lOl
(8:12 PM) Arch:
XD



If anyone who reads this has some kind of big disagreement with me, allow me to say this.

*No, YOU are wrong. *

Even my boss loves to bitch. So why cant i!?

XD

Sensibility

Talking a fucking pain.

Meeting is a fucking bore.

Bothering is a fucking chore.



At times like these, what can a sensibly fucked up guy like me say?




It sucks having a conscience!

HELLO THAR IT BEEN LONGLONG!!!

Hello thar. It been long, long.

Yes, this blog has been dead for a long time, except for that pathetic chatbox by the side.
Thank you to all who have bothered posting comments there!
The last important one i can remember is Li, who seems to always be there hmm.

So what possessed me to start writing again? well thanx to Li.

After talking to her i had remembered an old blog entry she wrote just for me. sweetest thing i ever read written on my existance, i think.

Well, even though its sweet, i didnt read it thoroughly, since i always felt her entries are too blocked up with text so i keep skipping stuff and just scan through the words.

Scanning through that sweet entry again led me to read my old posts in this very own blog.

And i must (shamefully) admit, i really do find my writing quite...interesting.

The emo ones i find quite interolable now, but alot of the others really brought back memories. Of the events that unfolded in the past, as well as the way i would write then down in my own way. I had forgotten all of them.



So after reading some of my older entries, i felt like why not i start again. The motivation came back. Suddenly i had a reason to blog.

I wonder if moses still reads. Maybe Benson knows.



Anyways, this is just a post to alert the WORLD of my return.

Youve been waiting long long havent you?

Sarcasm of course, just in case you dont know... =)

Worse Movie of 2006

The Covenant.



fuck you for taking my $7.

i cant help but think the script and story telling of the movie sucks.

it is terrible.

no realism to the story what so ever.

yes i know, lots of movies have unbelievable things.

but a good movie makes the unbelieavable, believable.

this movie FAILS at that!

it is terrible.

i see so many ridiculous things going on, mainly with how the characters are far too blatant with thier dialogue.

its like, the things they say are SOOOOO damn obviously just for telling the story.

yes, the things a character say naturally progress the story in any movie.

but for this movie, it is just too obvious. it is like screaming at my face when i watch. i cant help but think how damned blunt the storytelling it.

and the way the final fight is done.

wtf?! can any of you say DRAGON BALL Z?!

this is an interpretation of the action, if the characters were talking dragon ball z style.

protogonist: oh lets see you have a taste of my powerful technique and skill! *KAME-HAME-HA!!!

antogonist: oh! you think you are STRONG?! AH HA!!! ill show you, whelp! *catches energy ball with hands* *focuses for a second and sends energy ball back* RAAA!

protogonist: OH MOTHER FUCK! *gets blasted like 10 feet from where he was standing, crashing through stuff*

ok, so dragon ball z wouldnt have 'mother fuck' inside but i couldnt resist.

but seriously! its that fucking dumb!

the steps to beat the 'bad guy' is also fucking dumb.

just like power rangers ok.

its like a defeated power ranger getting powered up by ZORDON.

lightning strikes down and empowers the ranger!

LO AND BEHOLD! the new and mighty power ranger, with somehow becomes SO strong he can defeat the enemy which TRASHED him! and with just 1 single blow!

its just like that!

retarded movie.



end of bitching.

thank you very much.



i will miss you forever my sweet $7

Avoid

yesterday night i somehow got in an arguement with a friend of mine when talking thought MSN.

a girl. whom i must admit, i think i like. abit.

examining my conduct and words when it was near end of the argument, i realised it was due to me asking questions i normally wouldnt ask, and behaving in a way i normally never would.

i was too bothered and too analytical of the situation when with her.

and its terrible but i cant help it.

its realli the same as another past incident i had with another girl.



the pattern is.

• its always with a girl i like.
• its always at night. (strange)
• i start feeling tense without noticing.
• i start being realli analytical on casual stuff.
• i may ask wierd questions.
• i may state things i normally never would.

sometimes the rest remedy to a difficult situation is to take some time away from it.

i need some time away from unstable emotions.

in fact, i think from now on ill be extra careful about situations where chats can lead to discussions, debates and the eventual argue.

i realli dunno what to say ah. its damn terrible.

so i chose to avoid talking to her altogether.



while many of you might think 'NO dont avoid/run away! Itll lead to more problems!'

well trust me on this one guys. this time, avoiding is the key.



Edit update 11pm 29 sept: actually, avoiding might not be the key. doh. >_<

One Day

one day, ill approach that mystery girl.

one day i will.



shes probrably the onli girl i dare not approach.

cos she intrigues me to the point that im afraid to converse with her.

SO NOT ME. hahahahaa.



The Mystery Girl

this person, has always been a secret character of mine for years.

not cos i was afraid to tell people, but cos i never realli bothered much about it before.

once in a while in my life, i would chance a meeting with her, ALWAYS within or near an MRT station.

it started from sec 1 or so, i cant realli remember.

but when i see her...i always think that i somehow KNEW her in a way. not personally, but in the way where one sees a familiar schoolmate. u noe the person, but yet u dont.

i think she was in the same primary school as me. someone i cant forget?

i saw her again on saturday.
and i cannot deny.
i was excited to see her.
i do not know why!

it was onli then that i realised. just why am i so excited? i wasnt reacting like this in the past.

i dont even noe her name, or where shes schools, are anything! but each time i see her...i cannot look away!



i told myself that i would ask for her number one day. but i cant?

she just seems so...hard to reach. hahaha.



just felt like i should tell the world.

XD

Whirling

saturday, 10th sept.

went to east coast road for PComD project meeting. we got alot of work done...im satisfied.

sean paul (the year 1 fella) was also there.

after we finished the PComD meeting, dennis, sean and me went to orchard, because dennis wanted to take some pictures of his BaPho theme. i thought id just tag along, cos there was bound to be good pictures here and there.

sean was there to help dennis out.

but in the end, dennis didnt get the take his pics, and the 3 of us walked around and chilled out.

chilled out.

at starbucks.

its been a long time since ive chilled out like this...and not hold my thoughts back.

3 guys.

somehow i felt rather at ease, even though i never felt that close to any of them.

we talked about lots of stuff.

especially on the topic of affections.

and it realli got me thinking.

about past events, and just how our emotions work.

feelings that are just so simple, but yet so unexplicably mysterious and unpredictable.



it made me think how things changed.

that perhaps all i wanted was a fling from my relationship.

it made me feel like saying hi to abby, just to see how shes doing.

how i accepted a cynical nature.

and other random stuff.

there was just so much information to process and churn out.

it was a whirlpool of ideas.



when i went back to pasir ris, i didnt go home immediately.

instead, i wandered around my neighbourhood for an hr or so, taking random shots. the lighting was bad though. it was already 10.

listening to my mp3 and looking at the world through the viewscope of the camera which belongs to my ex, and having the thoughts of my life swirling in my head.

i felt like i was just a flickering flame, wandering in darkness.

snap snap snap. the shutter went.



i got home.



and i watched a movie.

the movie is,
I Am Sam.

i dunno if its supposed to feel like a sad movie

but somehow i realli realli felt sad when i was watching it.

and though the ending was a supposedly a happy one...i still felt like it was such a meloncholic movie.



and after the movie, i went online MSN. about 1am

and i feel irritated at myself.

cos i realised that i came online...just for 1 single person. realli. just for that.

it just feel stupid? cos theres nothing to LOOK for but yet i couldnt help it. i just did.

quite fustrating.

i am content with the truth.

Wreck

its that time of the year again folks.

emotional wreckage.



sometimes i wish i was more of an asshole.

then i wouldnt have give a damn.



more next time.

Disapointment

theres just so much to express. that its killing me.



ever had one of those days.

things just turn out all wrong.

and at the end of the day, ur all worn out.

tired of everthing.

just wanna stop it all.

and then the night comes, and you realise.

u feel all alone?

it doesnt matter if people care, or if they ask if ur fine.

sometimes its realli just too much to take.



this night, i feel disapointed.

both in myself as well as a person.



the person.

i feel like saying 'people'. but no.

i love my PID mates and design school buddies.

so i cant say that.

i KNOW its just that 1 person. that just UPSETS me.

its like dealing me a pack of lies. a FULL DECK.

well now you noe. why i dont rely on fate.



myself.

i feel like ive let myself down.

realli.

its like, what have i been doing.

its just sad.

with my school work, and the goals i aimed for.

sometimes i just lose sight. what am i living for?




i dont wish to express anymore.

A Repressed Rave

A Repressed Rave.

like a rose that blossoms in beauty
as well as withers in the following days,
young love is similar, in the way it decays.

late nights of slumber,
thought-and-mind less,
yet i am awake, when im already dead.

working in school, i do what i can
so why does it feel,
like im wasting my sand.

people think central,
and they dont give a damn,
but here i am, still being the lamb.

reminding myself
to free my obsessions,
but why do i always get caught in entangle

life is meaningful,
(or so i believe),
even though i dont see,
how it applies to me.

His First Time

the boy is anticipating.

caressing her body, and holding it firmly but yet gently, he feels quite excited about the experience hes about to have. its realli considered his first time...

feeling and observing the parts of interest, the boy gets to better understand what hes holding in his hands. he begins experimenting the way hes going to do it, thinking of the outcome.

after playing around for awhile, he gets to the real action. sliding the trigger back and forth, and constantly adjusting his posture for maximum comfort each time, the boy is starting to get the hang of it.

he squeezes and he can feel the tension.

the feeling...is damn good.

CH-CHAK~!

the sweet sound of the camera shutter, snapping a picture within focus.

a sense of satisfaction with each accomplished shot.

though he realises the pictures might turn out bad, it doesnt matter.

its the first time, and its a matter of learning.

he will learn.



XD

Move On

remember

the words we said on the bus stop.
the date we had on that monday before work.
the days i visited u despite my deadline.
the time we held hands in the darkness.
the night i asked you the question.
the kiss we had beside the house of books.
the following days when we had our fun.
the date we had that ended in worry.
the 6 days of torture where i was left in the dark.

the words we said

ill never ditch you.
we can always work things out.
we want it to last.
not caring about what parents say.
we can talk about our problems and be open.



but yet.

it seems it all meant nothing anyways.

im sure its not forgotten.

so it just means...

that everything didnt mean much in the end.



thanx for the memories.

its time. to move on.



with that, ill finish this blog entry with 1 of my fav songs.

a rather old song i admit.


Roxette
- It must have been love

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely,there's air of silence
In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Know

am i being too caught up...?

i feel like im the one who ends up being more bothered.

sure, i like to take things easy, but yet i feel like im experiencing a one sided thing here.

theres a thin line that seperates passivity and disregard.

and i dont want to think about which one it is.



cos in the end. i dont know you at all.

and you dont know me either.



its onli a small gesture.

and its not like im demanding it.

its just that ive not seen you in days.

i miss u alot.

and i dont even know how ur doing most of the time.

all we have is a phone.

and all i have to remind myself of you are pieces of messages that barely contain any meaningful content in most of them...



and im sure its the same for you as well.

this is a matter of communication love.



you noe what i mean.



this is my communication.

Objective

so i supposedly have a few goals in my life.

since its called Goals in Life, most would think of it as rather damned important.

ah ha.



1. Live a simple life.
sounds easy but life never is. one day i just wanna go live in some peaceful and relaxed place.

2. Be a good person.
OMG. fuck this shit. what was i thinking? hahahaa.

3. Be proficient in product design skills.
DAMN!!!!!! at this point this seems the hardest to reach. seriously. yes, even harder then No.2



hur. maybe i should sell my soul for number 3. woo.

so id forsake No. 1 & 2 for 3.

SOUNDS LIKE A FAIR TRADE TO ME. XD



*sketch sketch sketch*

Love

I AM CRAZILY IN LOVE.

WOO~

Li

an old friend of mine i knew since sec 2, wrote a blog entry for me.

her name is Peili.

she wrote it on friday after we had a talk on MSN.

i asked her how her life was, and i told her how i was doing.

because.

im supposedly her diary. and i always would see how shes doing.

but then as we grew up, we lost our innocence. and with that, the carefree attitude we had about sharing our lives.





i got to noe this great girl...through mIRC, 5 yrs ago, back in the days when it still wasnt TOTALLY infested with despos.

i chatted with her by chance, and got her email and her name.

i was realli so eager to talk to her more. it was exciting to get to know the person better.

what can i say. i was a litte boy who was over excited.

when she didnt reply my emails to her, i realli got anxious...i even thought she might be avoiding me.

but i found out later that...in the end, her email as well as her identity was false.

which was why she took so long to reply me. she used the email as protection from strangers she met online.

and i was fine with that. it cleared the misunderstanding i had.

well...as time went on, i was always concerned about hey she was doing.

and so as our friendship progressed, i became her diary.

her 1 and onli diary, whom she could tell all her thoughts and feelings. her secrets and happenings.

its like...i was always around for her somehow.

but as i said...as we grew up...the world got more harsh. and our innocence faded.



i wish to place the link to the entry she wrote for me.

here it is. (the text might be tiny.)

http://whatever-is-mine.blogspot.com/2006/08/dear-diary.html





well...i just feel like. im glad i helped her along the way of her life.

and that im so honoured.

and actually, i also feel like i dont deserve such incredible words from her.

i never realli thought...anyone would see me in such a way.

im truly, honoured.

thank u Li.



ill always be ur diary. dont forget that.

Leisure

its the first time in months i went to cineleisure.

went on a date. woo.

it was great fun.



suddenly i remembered about my past date in cineleisure.

now i think back...it was pretty damn boring. hur.



what a difference.

Kamikaze

i dread school now.

thanx to block teaching.



i used to love school.

even when it was tough.

cos there was such a thing as being human and having a break witout worry.

it was fun to work hard and have that well earned break at the end of each assignment/project.

even if we had to rush like crazies at the end of each sem,

IT. WAS. FUN.



now, i live through school to be a robot, when even relaxing is stressful.

to not have a moments freedom in my life other then school projects.

and when the work haunts me every moment, even when im slacking.

is this realli the life meant for every TDS designer?



i no longer feel like i have a proper life for myself anymore.

its onli school or the bed.



me and my PID mates stay in school 12 to 14hrs a day.

i sleep 5 hrs a day. and the rest sleep just as little as me or even worse sometimes.

the work is just constantly pounding the reminder that our deadline is DREADFULLY near.

we think logically, adding up what we have to do, how long will we take.

so far, everyone ive talked to doubts they can finish everything in time.



guess its just going to be another embarrassment to the standard of our work when we show our half done jobs.

and when the marks are moderated to suit the standard of our overall batch, if EVERYONE does a shit job, everyone STILL passes.

hows thats for pathetic?

sometimes i wonder if the path i chose was the correct one.



the decision to go into PID.



wonder if i can make it.

just charge!

about 1 week left. i want to state my mind of the final crit.





block teaching should not be used as an excuse for lousy work.

why waste energy talking about block teaching when we cant do anything about it.

just chiong and show our power. lets be strong!

its such a shame to our skills as designers if we cant be strong-willed. dont u think so?

for those who can still remember last fridays interim critique debrief, do any of u feel ashamed?

especially the comments from the ex-students.

its all about ur passion and will.

a lecturer said, its about 2 things. thinking skills and technical skills.

i believe hard work can make up for lack of inborn skill. and if ur not passionate enough for hardwork, then death awaits u.





whats wrong with other people being stressed? sure, people being overly stressed might affect others. but so what?

the point is NOT to let urself get stressed by external factors, especially from other stressed people.

being stress does not mean one is passionate in work, it just means one is unsure of his planning (which is pretty normal).

all we need to do is plan our future well and be flexible to changes on the go. everything should be handled calmly.





so.

lets all charge together!

Sweet Alias Death

Alias.

not the tv show.

im talking about the computer company that deals out software for professional commercial use on the computer *duh*.

ill be refering to a specific software of thiers named StudioTools (which if im not wrong, they bought over from another company). its used to make 3d models with very realistic effects. ever seen those ipod advertisements? or nokia handphone models? all done by Alias StudioTools.

the thing is, its starting to piss me off.

why.

1. Because the software can hang on u at any given moment, regardless of logical factors.

2. Because there is onli 28 or so licenses that the WHOLE *BLEEPIN* DESIGN SCHOOL can use at ANY given time or computer lab. thus, if 28 people are using the software already, no more then that will be able to use it.

3. about 70 to 80 PID 2nd years are using it NONSTOP during school hours to finish thier project. 70 to 80 people. remember reason 2.? 28 licenses?

4. since the license is so limited, people 'book' the licenses - first come first serve - and use it for DAYS ON END witout ever, ever unlocking the comp for others. i have seen the same comp locked by some people for a week already. this makes it all the more fustrating as the licenses used are LOCKED by others inside thier comps even when they are away or not using.

5. for those who dont noe, when u 'render' the model to make to make it look realistic, each time, it takes about 1 to 2hrs or so (some even 4hrs). and many, MANY times, the rendering is not what u want it to look like. this makes for an immense waste of time and productivity WAITING for the rendering to be done.

6. we onli have 1 week due to submission each time. thats onli assuming u dont take any breaks. and we have to print out the finished image on a board, and do a journal that explains the steps 1 by 1, with pictures of the steps given. this means a printscreen image every step of the way. it bloody pisses me off.

yes.

people can get in quarrels because of the tension.

the reason for this is, everyone else is DEFINITELY your competition in this.

if it wasnt obvious before, now its worse because this time, whoever BOOKS the comp first finishes the work. and since EVERYBODY is locking thier comps, no one gets to use it other then the BOOKERS. 28 people at any given time. 70 to 80 people in need of it desperately.

that leaves 48 to 58 PID year 2's desperatly trying to finish thier work but not being able to.

so what do they do?

some resort to begging those who have license.

some resort to restarting locked computers.

some just wait till a user leaves and asks if they can use. mind u, this waiting can take HOURS.

wadever it is, it is terrible and there is alot of stress and tension in the already cold air of the computer lab.

and buying more licenses has apparently been refused.

buying more licenses would resolve it but it seems thats not going to happen.

Battle Royale anyone?

Angel Redemption

another thing.

ive started doing a personal project of my own.

its related to a request my friend ivan gave me.

the title i give it is Angel Redemption.

itll probraby be done by end of august if i have no time thanx to my school projects.

ill keep the subject updated.

Ex.

though i didnt do much today, it still turned out quite eventful.

so for the first time in a long time, ill write this entry like a story about my day. (it will be a fucking. long. entry)

today is monday. i awoke at 7am to the sound of the home phone ringing away. though i can remember it rang for onli 3 times max, it still pissed the hell outta me. being too damned tired to give a fuck, i just kept my yes closed and hope, HOPED it would stop soon. and it did. my mom was awake at the time, probrably thanx to the ringing as well, and she ended my torment quick. mother noes best i say.

so since the sound ended, i continued sleeping. till say 10am.

i was supposed to awake at 8.30am. but i was seriously just so tired. u noe what i mean right? so tired till u cant freakin bear to get up, the most ull just look at the time and groan in silence in ur bed, half awake. yeah, THAT kind of tired.

but in the end i did it. cos i knew i had work to do. and places to go.

for u see, today, i was going to buy a book.

its a book that has lots of pretty pictures, and im not not talking about FHM or Maxim. its a sort of graphic illustration book by Imaginary Friends Studios.

but i had to take a long bus ride to East Coast Road just to buy it. damn! the bus ride took me about 50 min. and i still had to go school and do my shit project (fucking automata). but i wanted to get the book asap so i didnt have to make the trip when my work was even more piled up.

so anyways, when i got to the location (which took abit of time mind u), i saw that the studio was in a rather hard to find and reach place. i was told to call when i was approaching the studio by the supposed secretary when i made the appointment. but the number kept dialing at busy, so i decided to just go on ahead. it was on the 2nd level of one of those revamped chinese shop houses. and the studio, which was freakin quiet, allowed no shoes in. it was abit uncomfortable as i felt like a total intruder. but damn..the digital artists skills are amazing. fantastic. i hope to reach thier standard one day.

but nvrm about all that! all that didnt give me much of an impact. except for 1 thing.

the supposed secretary, Rita. shes chinese. what a unique name eh?

the thing is, okok...i found her rather cute. shes the shy and demure type, and shes working around all these guys and its just freakin quiet. it was like just me, and her, who were looking at each other, and a bunch of guys drawing. it was kinda awkward cos i couldnt even talk witout feeling like everone could hear us. but the way she looked at me...maybe its just my imagination or something but she stared it me with curiousity. must be something wrong with my face eh. so after i bought the book i just left. as i walked off and couldnt help thinking shes a pretty cute girl. heh.

then i had to take the same freakin bus all the way back to where i came from, Pasir Ris. another freakin 50min WASTED! dammit! by the time i took bus 15 from pasir ris interchange and reached school, i was 2pm. i was planning to reach school by 12 or 1. gah.

so i did my work, which was pitiful cos i had no material to do much of anything. i pretty much used my time planning what to do and how to do it, with just abit of real work done.

before i knew it, the workshop was time to close. 5.30pm.

nothing much happened then. went home at 7pm+.

now heres another thing that was pretty eventful though its pretty much nothing as well.

while waiting for my bus, i saw Vanessa.

not the PID one...and not my secondary school mate either.

onli a few of my friends noe who she is. she used to be someone important to me. well anyways, i hadnt seen her for a long, long time and i was onli yesterday beginning to wonder how she was doing.

who knew i would coincidentally meet her. it was quite a pleasent surprise but when i said hi to her i somehow sounded...bored. i guess i didnt realli have the mood cos of how tired i was. after 3 more lines exchanged and i just said bye next thing and she was gone. just like that.

so i just looked at her walk off and i sat down. i started thinking.

damn...i should have gone and walked with her to catch up on how shes doing...i kinda regreted just saying bye like that. but she was gone so i just let it go.

i hope we meet again.

well ok time to go.

till next time (and after all this fucking crap projects are done)

i am getting fucking sick of all this.

All I Have To Do

all i have to do.

is go with the flow.

just step back and let it go.

to stop the moment and take it in.

and walk forward and just keep going.



all i have to do.

is take it easy.

just to be happy.

to love and be loved.

and know when to let go.



all i have to do.

is to take things easy.

just to not think too much.

to have less worries.

and live a full life.



a simple life to all ends.

w6-9

i wonder when we will meet again.



i never complained about block teaching. but if i have a reason to...this would be it...

how come PID yr 2's 1st block ends later then others?

the school will be alot emptier and quieter...probrably to the extent where i think...its going to get lonely.

im drifting further and further away from my PID junior mates. maybe im just getting tired of it all...

and now for the next few weeks they will be my only company again.

just gotta live it.

Im Playing

so, my wise ass friend Benson (of PID) told me a saying.

'Whoever cant afford to lose, shouldnt play.'
-Benson Lee

well said Benson.

i totally and utterly agree.



so.

can u afford to play?

Used To Ponder

Used to Ponder

whatever happened to the days of old,
when my thoughts were as clear as gold.

when i would sit and think in clarity
of everything i could behold.

where it used to flow and so
now it only slows and no.

the sword is blunted and it is ebbing
not knowing to edge is where im falling.

hopefully ill learn again in time
what it means to be enlight.

but until then
ill have to sit tight.

-Victor Goh



i barely reflect on anything these weeks past.

and so my mind is detoriating.

11/05

so the words been going around that block teaching is not going well for students.

all i can say is, i pity the freshmen.

something has changed.

im no longer feeling so empty or bored or everything.



she is just so nice. mmm

Maybe

maybe...its not the person i miss.

but rather...its merely the feeling that i miss.

maybe it has nothing to do with the existance of any particular human but its just that so happens, fate has thrown me the chance to meet that certain individual.

"so it could have been anyone, as long as i could have the chance to feel the way i did before?"

just...maybe.

"so i might just miss the feeling. and not the person. and im using that person to somehow hope i can get that feeling once again?"

maybe thats the truth?

after all, theres no point lying to oneself

Mystery

even though its just a goodbye in the cyber world, why do i still feel a sense of sadness?

i want to say i miss but then...i realise i do not noe exactly what i miss.

i barely know her, what could i possibly miss?!

(i guess...i just miss having someone there for me)

im over the initial attraction but i dont think im over it all.

I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO FEEL AT ALL


but.

hope seems to linger and i am just going with the flow.

ill wait and see how this saga unfolds.

Weary

something is not right within me.

though i realli do hate whining and complaining inside a blog, i realli must state it out here.



i used to go school practically everyday, just for fun, to meet my buddies in school. even though honestly nothing is planned out for the day, we still manage to have freakin loads of fun coming up with nonsense and crap. i mean c'mon. we are design people. we are screwed up in the head.



but now...realli, going to school seems like a chore.

seems like everytime they ask me if im going to school now, i just dont wanna go. admin stuff? camp appreciation?! dunno wtf tea ceremony? why do i feel like its all a big waste of time?

i want to go school to LEARN THINGS. school is a place of fun but honestly the essence is to learn and i have not been getting that at all.

probrably cos its week 1 and im ready for school but all i get is boring talks and lots of time wasted. even if my friends are there and we have fun, let me say, i somehow feel i am not having that much fun anymore. i tire of this.

its the same thing over and over. NOTHING NEW IS HAPPENING.

i want school to start.

and now PID is more seperated then ever.

though the groups are more defined now, they are more apart as well.

and as usual gossiping is rampant and unstoppable.

why do i feel like im a victim of it? i can sense it, all those small little things that make it clear. in the end its up to u to tag along the mass or be left astray.

which do u choose.

Void

recently i have begun experiencing a different kind of sorrow from that which i usually experience and embrace. (yes u read that right)

usually, the kind of sorrow i have is...when i feel somehow melancholic and sentimental, and i start thinking of all the things in my life and ponder. but not to the point of insanity or depression mind u. just some deep thinking. it does the soul some good.

but now...the kind of sorrow im feeling...

its just emptiness.

a void that cant be filled in idle or activity, it lingers and it stays and it never goes away.
it eats at the soul and it bites at my mind but nothing i do can leave it behind.
thought its not pain but i feel its weight like its pushing down upon my head.

thought im sure ive had this feeling before...it has been some time since i felt such boredom and void.

i remember, i used to have a phrase for it.

'a life without contemplation or meaning.'

but thankfully. school is starting.

meaning will come back soon.

DOC

its the day after DOC (Design Orientation Camp)

it was damn damn DAMN FREAKIN FUN!!!

i was a GL (Group Leader) in the camp and my sub-empire is called Blasa.

im glad i had the oppurtunity to meet so many freshies. all the crazy new psychos of design school.

i dont have much to say of the camp events cos i dont wanna elaborate. too damn tiresome.



what i would like to do however, its give certain awards to the freshies of my Sub-Empire.

Coolest Freshie Award
-Jo

definitely the coolest freshie in the group. dressed simplistically but yet with undeniable style, this freshie also has red stars tattooed on each of her back shoulders that stand out ALOT. always seen with her singapure black cap, she is for sure, the coolest freshie. WOO~~~



Craziest Freshie Award
-Froggy a.k.a Khairun

what is with this psycho?! she raves, she screams, SHES MAAAAAD. shes the freshie that went crazy during jam & hop (constantly pulling me to dance with her). dont let her image fool u. theres nothing much to say her cos after all, we all noe just who is the craziest without a doubt.



ok ok. actually i cant think of anymore awards...i was thinking of adding a 'Cutest Freshie Award' but then i couldnt realli decide if its Faith or Fiona. and also was thinking of Most Annoying Freshie Award. but uh...NVRM.

the 2 'awarded' freshies are my fav freshies thats why i gave them such awards. i like them cos they stand out and cos they have that kind of energy and liveliness.

but. when i say fav freshies, doesnt mean i like them most. just means they are the most interesting freshies,

cos i honestly think i like the guy freshies more. like ferooze (big is cool), hannan (AH HOW TO SPELL MY NAME?), the ever smiling and mature David, silent Daniel, Jacen the Ah Beng (The Guy With the Cap), the MOST ANNOYING freshie Daniel, and twisted Ah Bang.

as for the ladies...im sorry but i dont remember everyone of u! maybe cos there are too many girls already...SORRY.



love all u freshies and love all u fellow GL's.

we rocked.

FOC & Farewells

its the day after the end of FOC.

FOC was realli realli fun. fustrating at times, but nevertheless, it was fun throughout.

im glad i met so many new friends, like people from Program Committee, Food & Administration, and lastly, Logistics Committee. (all the sub-comm psychos)

i wont go through all the stuff that happened during the camp. though it was fun. realli fun.

cos this camp is also a camp of farewells for me.

cos i probrably wont see those new friends much at all anymore. those crazy bunch of psychos.



and another thing.

id like to express abit about my grandma.

she took care of me since birth till about some time last year, when she shifted residence to her son's home.

she cooked for me, fed me, washed my cloths, tucked me in at night when i was young.

im her most favoured and doted on among all her grandchildren, and she never stopped loving me all my life.

she passed away yesterday at the end of the camp.

its a true goodbye till my own time.



farewells.

FOW

im back from Fresh Orientation Workshop (FOW)

i am fucking tired.

good night.

Remind

thanx to a friend of mine, i was reminded of some things regarding my personal past.

my friend didnt point anything out to me. rather, i was reminded of how things were after recieving a bit of information.

so after this small reminder, i decided to read some old texts to see what i had forgotten and which makes me so reminicient. to be precise, i check my old chatlogs.



my my...all the things ive forgiven and forgotten. its amazing, those things that happened.

but anyways, thanx to these reminders, i know now that, i shouldnt delude myself any further.



simply put.

as was, and always have been.
thats who you are indeed.

understand? :)

Love

i went out with my secondary school buddies on friday.

the brothers of my past.



it was as per normal. but only cos its normal that we have a great time.

each time when we meet. its like a reunion.

tell each other our probs. some secrets here and there.

and lots of good old insults to top it off.



what else could compare?



each time i meet them, it only reinforces the fact that no one else i know could ever compare to them.

not the slightest bit.

its not like im putting down everyone else i know. or maybe i am.

hell, i dont really care.

cos my love for them is bigger then what i can care for others.





speaking of love.

i remember i had a chat with abby. online, some months back. say maybe 7 or 8 months back.

the thing i wanted to point out at that time was that, love can exist in all levels of relationships.

even between strangers.

lemme repeat that.

even. between. strangers.



have any of you ever smiled at a stranger, just, and only, just hoping it might brighten thier day?

or speak to a waiter or cashier with sincerity and care, not just for the sake of being polite, but just cos you want to?

i dont know if any of you have done such things, or even understand the logic behind it.

some might even think those actions are simply a waste of effort. *why care for some stranger? a nobody? a person you dont care about, with nothing to connect with*



the thing is, i used to do those things back when i was in sec school. every single day if i could, i would try.

whats the reason behind those actions?

the reason is that the people around you are humans as well.

fellow humans with feelings and emotions just as needy as yours and mine. we do need love and care, all of us. not just for YOURSELF or YOUR FRIENDS. does anyone understand me here?

EVERYONE NEEDS LOVE.

and not everyone gets it.

its quite the opposite actually.

almost no one gets the love they want. not talking about sexual relationships but on all levels.

e.g.
motherly love. fatherly love. brotherly love. sisterly love. love between friends. love for a mentor. love for the fellow human. love for animals. love for nature. anything goes when it comes to love!



apparently i dont bother loving people as much as i did back then. i love people alot less now.

the reason is because. most people dont love back.

and it gets to me. im only human and as love travels, so does INDIFFERENCE.

id say that, over time, indifference got to me. the power of indifference overpowered me for sure.

let me point out clearly that this indifference is very largely from the tertiery education school i attend.

of course, im not blaming my school. no way. *TP rox.*

and nor am i blaming the people in my school.

its only natural to be indifferent in times of insecurity.

and the time it happens is right on the first day of school.

insecurity between the people u meet and interact with.

we might find a new friend fun and interesting, but beyond that, is there anything more? things like trusting and being who you are without fear of being judged. theres the insecurity right there. its onli normal. just dont let it overtake you.



what i want to say about all of this is.

love is everywhere. never look away from it, and never ever fear it.

truth. beauty. freedom. love.

im not sure why i suddenly began to write on this topic.

but i just had the feeling, i wanted to.

3 B's

the bath.

the bus.

the bed.

what is it you that u think of each of these times?

more often then not, the thoughts occuring would be the same in each given example.

this is what my lecturer, Dennis Tan, taught us PID students (though i doubt most will remember).

When are the times the mind is at ease. The places where the mind flows best.



the bath
a time for cleansing and rejuvenation.

the bus
a time when the mind lingers.

the bed
the moments before slumber, the moments after wake.



but as ive found out, the ideas will only flow if your mind is already at ease over current issues or problems.

ive also realised, the 'issue' ive been thinking each of the 3 places, has always been the same old thing, for almost a year.

Lone

siti is abroad.

theresa is abroad.

felicia liow is abroad.



no wonder i feel lonesome.

Remember

after all thats happened, being simple friends again seems impossible.

but i dont noe.

not till i try right?

how daunting.



ill be around.

whether i like it or not.

whether you need it or not.

cos i know i cant forget you.

Encounter

today, i went out for a badminton match with some of my sec school mates.

it was ok.

then we went for lunch and played pool.

then we decided to go to pasir ris

but lets skip all of that.

what i would like to express in my entry today is...the odd encounter i had with 6 coral secondary schoolgirls.



so, at pasir ris, me and my friends wanted to go to the library first.

so i hung around at the library till it was time to go.



now when i left, i saw a bunch of school girls sitting in the cafe of the library. i didnt pay much attention but i did notice 1 of them looking at me.

so of course, i just ignore. *its just a coincidence, as usual. eye contact happens unintentionally all the time* heck.

but then i glanced back to look at my friends, and THERE IT IS AGAIN. the same girl still glaring at me.

so this time, i look at her a little longer.

and her look still doesnt waver.

instead, shes talking to her friends while maintaining eye contact, and i notice heads turning my direction.



at this point i am feeling quite uncomfortable.

i tell my friend, Joel Wang, and he tells me he notices too.

and so does my other friend, Kai Lin.

but i still didnt do anything about it.

i just went off feeling damn wierd, cos they were STILL STARING AT ME with seeming amusement.



now, the library is on the 2nd highest level of whitesands shopping centre.

and the escalator down that level forces one to look straight into the cafe. unless of course u just look at your feet.

so yeah. as i went down, i tried acting normal by just looking straight. but DAMN THEY ARE STILL STARING!

so i just smile in confusion and give a body action that says *what the hell is up?!*

the girls just smile and laugh playfully. GAAAAAAAH!!!

i just felt so damn curious what the HELL was going on.




so my friends were laughing about it and telling me the possibilities of who the girls were and why they kept looking. all of the possibilities were not believeable.

and so we just keep going down till we reach the first level, outside mcdonalds.

AND IM STILL THINKING ABOUT IT.



in the end, i decided to go up and ask them why they were looking. yeah -.-

so my 2 friends, joel and kailin went up with me.

ok honestly i felt damn nervous when i was about to go confront them.

damned. nervous.

i think its cos of the fact they were a company of 6 girls while im going to have to ask them *stupidly* alone.

cos my friends were also feeling tense about it.

tense cos, the moment we enter thier view, INTENT STARING ENSUED.

damn damn damn uncomfortable.

we just talked about it with out backs facing them the whole while, feeling realli uncomfortable.

after about 3 minutes, we decided to leave.

i decided i didnt want to noe whats up with them anymore. haha!

as we were going down by the escalator again, and i looked at the girls, this time they were practically LAUGHING OUT LOUD and they were CLEARLY amused.

so i smiled a wide grin to them as well and just gave them a body action saying * THIS IS FREAKIN WIERD BUT FUNNY*



so we made our way down again, and went out seperate ways.



and u noe what i did?

i went BACK UP.

and sat at a bench below the library.

and WAITED.

thats right. i waited for those girls.

GAHAHAHAHA

i just felt like if i didnt confront them i would probrably regret it alot by night.



and the waiting paid off.

eventually they left the library and headed down.

i saw them, they saw me.

but this time, they seemed...hesitant to stare at me so close.

i was practically just a few metres from them, and it was MY TURN to stare.

maybe thats why they also began to feel uncomfortable about staring as well.

so we all headed down the escalator, with them behind me.

at the next level, i went to the side, and purposely waited. waited for them to pass by me, then i went on just very closely behind them.

stalkerish i noe, but just so i know they wont be looking at me easily. HAHA. so stupid lah

onli the girl that first stared at me stilled continued to give me eye contact.

damn i was just so...curious...does she know me somehow?!



but i didnt ask her in the end.

i just felt that...at the end when i wasclose to confronting them, i saw that...there wasnt much interest left.

it sort of died when the distance in between got too close.



i told my mom about it when i met her just some time later.

she just laughed about it.

she asked me if they were still in secondary school.

yes.

she asked me if they were giggling.

yes.



my mother concluded, the girls were just infatuated with me.

"ah u know how schoolgirls are right. *motherly smile* "

omfg......

i find that hard to believe.



if i were still in secondary school, i would probrably have agreed with my mom.

but now...i dont think that way anymore.

Stone

my heart has slowly been turned to stone.

and right now it feels like itll never go back.



but i dont know if i care.

Back to Basics

what the hell...

if im justified.

then why the fuck do i have to care?



i onli cared cos i was worried there would be further conflict.



but ya noe what.



i dont give a damn about that either.

sheesh.

Old Promise

can i still uphold that promise i made to myself so many years ago?

i am beginning to get doubtful of that.

i dont think i can uphold this sacrifice much longer.



the more i learn, the harder it gets.

TSAF

wow man.

the reply was petty fast this time.



and i thought it was over?!?



whos being sensitive?

whos the one who assumes about whether another is talking about someone?

are u telling me ur not guilty of that?



my previous post wasnt even insulting.

of course, unless typing slow backwards...


i THINK perhaps cos it seemed like i was trying to sound damn smart or something.



cmon laaaah. we both noe who we talking about right?

regardless of names or anything, u KNOW who u were refering to.

same for me yo.





if im not wrong.

the first post u wrote was on january.

i didnt realise till like febuary when LOTS of nonsense happened.

and originally i never even intended to write about u. (until u decided to strike again)

it was originally just about the general people cos of so much bullshit happening.

i didnt even noe WHO disliked me at the time.

and yet i noticed some kind of counter attack.



so being a typical moron, i struck back as well.





at least now i noe abit more of ur dislike.



i bet theres more though.

"the enemy of my enemy is my friend" non?




the entries have been amusing.

but its the same old thing.



at least someone approached me calmly to tell me my prob. thats nice of the person.

u noe who u are.



ive already told that person, i noe what my probs are.

and im gonna try and change them.

its not easy changing.

so itll take time.

but in the mean time, im not trying to be an ass, but u should change too.



like...if u had told me calmly what my prob was, that would have been a helluva lot better.

not that im in the position to JUDGE u.

its just some advice.



i hope u dont flame again cos of this.

cos that would be just sad.



and...wtf kinda trophy is THAT?!?!?!

0_O

WOLS

she sure took some time to find out/reply to me.

im SLIGHTLY disapointed though.

but at the same time, quite at ease over it.



btw. please dont kiss my ass. thanx.

Conflict

i think i like blog conflicts too much...

they excite me ya noe?!

i get that sense of adrenaline everytime i see that oppurtunity

seriously.

i find it damn fun

as long as its not about political stuff.



i think im pretty twisted.



but on the other hand, my better self is telling me not to be an idiot like them and just ignore them.

haiz.

Break

bashing in blogs.

what happened to the good old days of plain and civilised confrontations?



well, maybe thats what blogs are for.

didnt noe there was such a day for mushrooms though =)



thank goodness for the school break.



p.s.: hello pei huan XD

Chaos

Chaos

When the chaos hath come,
witness its wrath,
behold its nature,

for you shall so be struck by it,
that your knees will weaken,
and your resolve will shaken.

But with its passing,
be thankful of your survive,
for so attained you have,

the true nature of those,
filled with scorn,
filled with betrayal.

Learn from the chaos,
and it shall serve you,
to so never be fallen again.

-Victor Goh



let this be a message to the fallen survived.

My roots

it seems im particularly pissed this night.

mmm.



but its ok.

itll be over once the day is come and gone again.

cos by then, none of u will hear from me.

peace.

Diss-Like

just to make it clear.

i dislike noisy people.

i dont necessarily hate NOISE itself.

cos noise happens all the time. (esp in PID)



but people who constantly wanna produce noise pollution excessively...

its irritating lah.

so lemme be more specific.



I dislike it when people make noise for no good reason, too much, and at the wrong times.



ANOTHER THING

i realise theres so much of talking behind peoples backs.

(is it cos we are PID?)

ok. that is inevitable.

in fact, its part of human behaviour.



but i think.

people who take it too far.

with insults.

and unnecessary bullshit.

should try to tone it down.

and tolerate abit.



cos i realise...im becoming worse and worse as time goes by.

...it seems the people around me are the ones insulting alot as well.

perhaps im being influenced somehow...?



and...i do noe some people dislike me.

thats for sure.

but then from what ive experienced...it seems these people are just...morons as well.

sad fact.

Help Abuse

theres one thing i learnt during my sec school days.

dont help people too much.

ESPECIALLY those who ur not close with.



why?

because U WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

that is always the case.



onli ur truly good friends will noe that u are not thier slave.

A TRUE FRIEND SHOULD RELY ON THEMSELVES FIRST, BEFORE SEEKING HELP WITH WORK.

that is the thing i wish to convey.



if u are one of those who always seek help.

then just ask what u need.

things like ADVICE. or maybe just abit of help.

if u cant do it, then make it up to the person.

"Forgetting one's debts is the greatest crime a person can commit."
- Simón Bolívar (1783-1830)



to all those who feel they have been used, or abused, by others for help,

just remember.

HELPING IS GOOD. u have been a good person. i respect all of u for that. those who dont are onli fools.



HELPING TOO MUCH IS HARMFUL.

helping people when they need it is good.

but did u noe.

when u assist people past where they need, U ARE HARMING YOURSELF AS WELL AS THEM.

by doing so, ur help will be harm instead.

because by helping them, u are making them weaker and more dependant.

onli help them to the point where they NEED.

anything more will cause harm.

if u refuse and they scorn at u, then let it be, because by doing so, u have helped them beyond thier understanding.

peace everyone.

Amiss

my torchlight project is finally done and over.

the critique was damn nerve wrecking.

today was actually pretty fun.



and yet, now, i feel like something is amiss.

something i cant quite put a finger on.

is it because its valentines tmrw?



i doubt it =)

i am twisted.

blood blood blood.

could i make a torchlight that runs on blood.

that would be sweet. and abit salty.

mmm.

with love, the cynic.

Essence

tonight is another on of those nights.



for those who dont noe, during certain nights, i feel an extreme sense of loneliness and sorrow out of no where.



well...im kinda used to it.

but it still affects me abit ya noe.

and sometimes i kinda like that feeling of sorrow.

theres substance in it thats different from fleeting happiness.

the essence of sorrow thats within me, i truly do appreciate it.



on a side note, saturday i had freakin high libido.

but today (sunday), its pretty damn low.

huge change. lol.



and on a more...irritable and desperate note.

FUCK TORCHLIGHTS!!! GAAAAH

DSHGALKSHKGJFHGAULERHYGKFHGKFBVSAKDSVGDFALUGHUILRAHGASAKDSFYQIUGHDSKFGBVSKFD

Stats

6 mother fucking projects.

5 barely enough hours of sleep for a month.

1 A2 page of USELESS torchlight idea.

4 days spent on A2 rendering.

12 approximate months reduced life span thanx to spraying.

100 dollars worth of copic markers.

0 progress on drafting handphone.

4 c+ grades recieved from richard wee.

1 very undead Archfreak.

Rant

right now, im sitting in my room using the laptop.

after a long day in school as an I-Guide. (thats the name of the school guide in TP.)

dont ask me what the 'I' stands for. i myself have no fucking idea.

for some strange reason, im feeling quite...fustrated and pissed now...



so. its the end of the 2nd day of TP open house.



hmm...i think the I-Guides did a great job.

and so did the D-Guides.

and no. not cos im in I-Guides or cos im in Design school.



i went to some of the schools.

IT and AS were pretty alright.

but...whie BUSINESS had thier numbers...i could see that quite some of them did not even bother at all with the sec school students, and my friends have exprienced that as well.



engine school...i didnt step foot in there.

but, apparently, even the principal of engineering school agreed that it was a lack of space in engine school.

cos they spread themselves too far out in such a big area within thier school.

so students felt discouraged about going all the way in when there were so few booths in such a huge distance.



ANYWAYS.

i felt the IMD/MOI room at design space was pretty damn good.

i liked the live illustrations and sketchbooks especially.

those were the things that i thought were realli interesting.

i found myself wanting to tell the students that they SHOULD go there, just to take a look at the kind of stuff we design students do in TP, as well as to KNOW that we ARE, DAMN RIGHT THE COOLEST there is out there.

thats the kind of thing that brings people into TP DESIGN.



even though i was an I-Guide, i found myself very partial to my own school.

in the sense that, i realli wanted to bring the students to DES rather then other schools.

so i ended up being something like a design guide too, seeing as how i noe the layout and the general view of what each course is. (cos i go around hearing other course explain over and over)

i dunno how many times i had to repeat myself though.

it was abit straineous on the voice.



oh yeah.

i also participated in the TP MASS DANCE.

my partner was Hui Leng.

it was pretty damn funny that some sec school students got caught in the middle of all the dancing.

needless to say, they were laughing all the way, not knowing what to do.

but hey! we got them to participate dancing the CHICKEN DANCE



the funniest thing i saw was the reaction of a guy when i told him the sculpture on display in PID section was made of wood.

he went 'are u FUCKING SERIOUS?' 0_0 *begins feeling sculpture in amazement*



LAST THING.

i just wanna list the things i feel are what caused me to feel pretty pissed now.



the guy who THREATEN to report my name if i continue 'slacking' during duty. fuck man. just cos i standing at design school for awhile looking for people to help DOESNT MEAN IM SLACKING. and THREATENING doesnt exactly command respect to me. it onli made me label him as a total fucktard.
,
another guy who is simply getting on my nerves. i dare say he feels the same. i shant say more about him.
, and
the girl who is simply SO ANNOYING. it almost makes me WANT TO REGRET the whole thing. THATS how annoying.

and if anyone thinks i have a prob with them, then heres something someone told me before.

*dont (fucking) assume.*

Dust to Dust

school assignments are a killer when ur in design.

especally for my kin. *COUGH COUGH*

which is why i have nothing much to update now.



lets just say, the following weeks will be busy and i wont have time to think of anything personal much.

ill probrably be thinking more of ideas for my work.



ive been told that im losing the sort of...sparkle in my eyes.

or that...i seem tired, listless, or somehow blank in spirit.

well damn.

all i can say is.

its gonna be that way for some time!

just gotta live with it. just gotta deal with it.



and about that certain human.

all i want to say is.

BAH.

and

MEH.

thats all the matter deserves. XD

Tag!

near the end of midnite, i tagged offensively to defend my friend, rachel, from an anonymous tagger.

now.

those who have been following this blog.

you would noe my dislike for ANONYMOUS TAGGERS who want to say bad stuff.



i DO realise that the anonymous tagger might be a friend of mine.

but STILL.

being a friend of mine doesnt mean ill SPARE THE PERSON a piece of my MIND.



the person might hate me. or the impression of me might change.

i accept it! cos that who i am.

what u see is who i am in this situation.



if that person had stated out thier name as least...i would not have been offensive.

i would have treated the person with respect and listen.

but the moment the person decides to give negative comment...even if its slight...its intolerable...

to state ur dislike behind a mask. a wall. where u noe ull be HARMLESS.

how would u respect someone like that?



thats all.

Meh

alritey...

so i read her blog.

*OMG why am i doing this again. goodness sakes.*



if i could have that chance to be just a friend once again.

i wouldnt hesitate.



after all.

i still remember that promise.

that promise of friendship.

unless im the only one who remembers.



suddenly im getting the vibes that me typing this out is still pointless in the end.

i wonder why.

Change

now.

i wish to write about a certain thing my old friend of mine has stated in his own blog, about me.

"i saw victor online. lol. hm.. to me, he has changed quite a bit. lol. his word seems to lack the same authority than in the past. as in... now, there is more sarcasm and less weight. to me, he is still my good friend, and will always be, but... i worry. haha."


just a little background information here.

the person who wrote that quoted statement is my friend, Joel Wang Shou Zhi.

he has been my friend since i was sec 1, when we were both in the same class.

i still remember the time i met him because i wanted to read the neon genesis evangelion comic book he had.



in that quoted statement, my dear friend has mentioned that i have changed to become less authouritative and that my words seem to have less weight.

what he means its that i have become more aloof in my nature, using sarcasm for wrong purposes, and not having the same charm and steadiness i once had.



i utterly agree.

to compare myself now with my self of my past is a shame i endure with disgrace.

i have no idea how to bring myself back to that point.



let me just say...it all started when i came into polytechnic.

it must either be the company ive been having, or the environment. (please correct me if im wrong)

for the company, i doubt its because of that.

after all, ive seen my fair share of wise people as well as noisy twits.



Temasek Poly Design School

i have come to believe that it is because of the extreme change of work and stress that i have become less of what i used to be.

the feeling where...anyone of these people might be ur competition and being better then them is like the goal.

i think it gets to the point where human nature can get nasty sometimes.

do u people agree?



another long time friend of mine (who is also my most trusted and loved friend), siti nursyuaibah, has also agreed that i have become more...harsh and unkind.

basically in her words, im no longer the 'mister nice guy' i used to be.

i used to have a reputation for being the nice guy.

but apparently, thats no longer the case im sure.



it gets me down sometimes.

Say

all i want to say is....


YOU SAY LAH!
NOOOO YOOOU SAAAAY!!! I DUNNO HOW TO SAY LAH.
SAY LAAAAH!!! QUICKLY SAY.

those 3 lines, multiplied by 3.

over and over.



thank you.