No Regrets

No Regrets

shes scary. what can i say?

well. no regrets. no remorse.

id rather be myself all the way then change for love. love isnt about changing anyways. its about accepting.

thats actually very subjective...

i used to change for love...change change change...

after all, if u want people to change, u have to change urself. thats what i believed. and hey...its true! forcing people wont help. changing urself is the best way to get what u want.

but. ive learnt that this DOESNT apply to love.

i had a girl once. things were fine. when things werent, i changed. i changed and changed...just to make it better. just so things would be ok.

i would change for love.

but after awhile...i asked myself. was i realli doing the correct thing? changing myself...would it be changing my love? would i be changing myself, and what made me love her...and her love me...JUST FOR THE SAKE OF FEELING THAT!

just for that feeling of HAVING SOMEONE THERE TO LOVE.

just for that, i would lie to my ownself. and live as if nothing was wrong.

but of course. things WERE wrong. and when they werent at first, they WOULD be. after awhile, we couldnt accept each other anymore. i couldnt lie to myself anymore. i dont want a love, just for fun, just cos im lonely, just cos theres SOMEONE.

dammit.

i had no regrets on that decision. that was last september.

after that, i nvr had much crave anymore. let it be.

after o levels, i felt so lonely. life was so meaningless. idleness and sloth. day by day. but...i nvr let my feelings consume me.

i met a girl during this time. ok...i met lots of girls, but this girl, what can i say, i liked her. no big deal. her name is shin yi.

at first...i wasnt all that bothered about her. looks didnt influence me since the past relationship. and slowly...though very naturally and unforced... i saw that she was a realli nice girl. yeah yeah...TYPICAL. but when i say NICE about people (esp in this context)...i realli mean they are nice BEYOND normal humans. of course, she has her own evil side...which all humans have...but that expected...

so...after a few weeks...i guess i kind of developed feelings for her...maybe cos i was lonely...maybe cos she was the most attractive new friend i knew...maybe cos WADEVER. but i had some feelings for her, though slight. she had some feelings for me, probrably JUST SLIGHTLY (im not assuming here). it was slow. but i liked it. we were never bothered about it. talking to her would just be...so entertaining and interesting.

but things didnt work out. as usual. i was totally fine about it actually. totally! even though i knew i wouldnt be with her, i knew...it was fine...because we were close friends before all that...and what i wished most...was just for her friendship...that was the main thing...the CORE of our relation. and that alone...would be alrite for me. having her for a gf would just be like a plus. HA. (i cant believe i actually thought that way...so surreal)

then during poly.

i as usual, gaurded myself from getting lured by looks. i would not fall for such simple temptations.

stuff did happen eventually. but shut up about them.

so recently, im talking to that gal shin yi. no. i have no more of those feelings for her. but i am still interested in her life and whether she is fine.

i dunno why im typing all these stuff now. i lost the meaning some paragraphs ago.

now, this post is also a tribute to SHIN YI!

to this girl, i have had not any regrets knowing. now now shin yi dont be shy.

can u see the meaning here?

i never had to change myself for her. we saw each other as it was, and it was alrite. if things wouldnt work out...why make a big fuss about it. it was PEACEFUL. and i love my peace.

if a love is so disruptive, then why bother having it. even all the mortal happines u experience wont be enough if u have a love thats DISRUPTIVE. cos that kind of love is MORTAL SORROW to the limit. some love.

this doesnt mean im comparing any future to my past. no...i wouldnt be so blind.

i noe. i assume alot. all the time. maybe im assuming EVERYTHING u say and even JUST said? i dunno. realli. when i assume things, it doesnt mean i believe its SURELY true. its just a hypothesis. the most logical explaination i can think of FROM WHAT INFORMATION I HAVE. i like thinking of things like that...and if it bothers anyone...then thats who i am. want me to change what i am since the start of sec 1? this is what i do.

maybe ill regret some stuff i ASSUMED. but ill NEVER regret being my own self. no matter what.

all im saying...is that.

figure it out.