Please

please bring me back to the old days.

please make me a good person again.

please make me love so much the way i used to.

please make me tolerate the world like i did.

please bring back the way i used to enjoy everyday.

please bring back my optimism.

please take away my realism.

please bring my valour and generousity back.


the old days...how i relished them.

it makes me sad thinking of it.

especially how ive changed.

how much i used to love.

now i see i have been planted with hate and tension in such a short time.

is this how the real world is like?

a place where u could end up being torn apart by competition.

a place where feelings are second place to goals.

to be the best. how come things have changed so much?


i had never wanted to be the best.

i had onli wanted to be the one to enjoy my life.

is growing up like this?


i dont feel hopeless.

i onli feel...lost...

theres a difference.

Fear

Fear

so first thing.

i read her blog. she says she cant stand guys who sweet talk. sickens her.

so like. im wondering. did i do that to her before? not sure.

she says she cant stand it. also says its obvious wad the person says is fake. says go chase some other girl.

ok...

it is not stated who she is refering to.

if its me, can someone kill me? i dont think ive sweet talked her and faked it? honestly i dont think ive lied to her for anything. hope im rite.

if its not me, then uh...i feel sorry for that person. (wonder who else chase her.)

so yeah. not sure, but there is fear in my heart. dont wanna assume too much.

so. thats the first thing on my mind now.

next. work.

so i hear and also believe, that the PID lecturers want less PID students, so they are more strict and heck the students who dont bother.

why? because PID is overcrowded. ok, i noe all design course this year are over crowded.

but other course in design dont have to use workshop intensively. and the workshop is SERIOUSLY OVERCROWDED. its becoming an issue that a concern to the whole PID. im quite sure the director has been alerted.

so. to have lesser students, make it hard for those students who lag or who dont bother, till they dont wish to go on. its cruel but hey...thats life. thats what i believe the lecturers are doing. the more observant PID students have been discussing it. those who think our hypothesis is ridiculous, kindly do not debate with me.

its quite scary. i dont think ill end up kicked out. but still, it brings some fear to me, cos im not totally unfeeling for others.

the PID students who have fear in thier hearts are staying overtime in school to finish thier work. i for one, have been staying in school from 9 to 9 for the past week, and probrably the following week.

can i just FAIL COLOUR? geez. waste of time. seriously.

ok. lets be oh-so typical and LIST DOWN THE WORK I HAVE.

FoDev
the damned sculpture. STILL LOTS TO BE DONE! need to dowel. need to glue. need to sand seal. need to spray primer. need to paint. need to DO PORTFOLIO!!! i dont wanna FAIL for this!!!

ComDI
going to be finished. last lesson on tuesday. should pass. all depends on sunday meeting progress. PASS AND ILL BE HAPPY.

CreTH
finished. got C for first project. A for second project. so im guessing ill get a B overall. good. no more classes for this. thank goodness.

DesMe
ill pass. finish. probrably a B.

Colour
FUCK COLOUR! FUCK THE 40x40 CUBE! FUCK CHINGAY!

Perspective and Freehand Drawing
onli the A1 drawing of an SLR Camera left. 35% for that. thus far, ill definitely get an A. but i want a DISTINCTION for this. thats rite. A DISCTINCTION. i aim high for my drawing. wanna be one of the best for drawing by the end of my education here.

Model Making.
ok. ill probrably get an A or B once i finish my last project. easy.


so. main prob is. FoDev and Colour. AHHHH!!! both involve painting. DAMN!

forget it...ill get it done in the end, as always.

Tears

yesterday night was another freakin emotional night.

some tears were shed.

no one made me pissed.

no one upset me.

it was just me thinking again.

it was onli the moments just before slumber that it happened.

i even wrote it in my phone...just because i wanted to noe why i was so emotional.

this is what i typed:

Lying on my bed, listing to é cardigans. I think about . Thoughts flood my mind. Does she like me! I...Realli. Realli miss her. Tears start surfacing. I realli miss her... i saw her today. But it seems so heck. I think everytime i see her shes doing work. If onli i could just talk to her. Away from work. Away from distractions! Is work whats killing love? I dont noe what im thinking anymore. When i think about it, i feel more tears. Tears...


yeap...thats what i typed...

bear in mind yesterday i was freakin emotional.

thanx to a previous meeting with my old friends Joel and Ivan, it realli stirred up my emotions. mainly due to a Ivan actually.

lets see...talking to him reminds me of relationships. talking to him makes me think like im so high and mighty cos i always give him advice. but damn...my mentaily of my own self i sickening!

i used to hold being humble very importantly. but now im changing into a proud person. soon ill turn arrogant and then even a these old friends of mine would lose respect for me.

it gets me down.

so yeah...relationships and me becoming a worse human. damn!

i dunno how screwed up my thinking was yesterday night but its a fact that i realli felt so sad cos of her. its not her fault of course. its just like that...and i dont think i can make it right myself.

leave it to fate...thats the easiest...but the damn SLOWEST! cos theres no control over it.

kk i write more next time. now bz.

No Regrets

No Regrets

shes scary. what can i say?

well. no regrets. no remorse.

id rather be myself all the way then change for love. love isnt about changing anyways. its about accepting.

thats actually very subjective...

i used to change for love...change change change...

after all, if u want people to change, u have to change urself. thats what i believed. and hey...its true! forcing people wont help. changing urself is the best way to get what u want.

but. ive learnt that this DOESNT apply to love.

i had a girl once. things were fine. when things werent, i changed. i changed and changed...just to make it better. just so things would be ok.

i would change for love.

but after awhile...i asked myself. was i realli doing the correct thing? changing myself...would it be changing my love? would i be changing myself, and what made me love her...and her love me...JUST FOR THE SAKE OF FEELING THAT!

just for that feeling of HAVING SOMEONE THERE TO LOVE.

just for that, i would lie to my ownself. and live as if nothing was wrong.

but of course. things WERE wrong. and when they werent at first, they WOULD be. after awhile, we couldnt accept each other anymore. i couldnt lie to myself anymore. i dont want a love, just for fun, just cos im lonely, just cos theres SOMEONE.

dammit.

i had no regrets on that decision. that was last september.

after that, i nvr had much crave anymore. let it be.

after o levels, i felt so lonely. life was so meaningless. idleness and sloth. day by day. but...i nvr let my feelings consume me.

i met a girl during this time. ok...i met lots of girls, but this girl, what can i say, i liked her. no big deal. her name is shin yi.

at first...i wasnt all that bothered about her. looks didnt influence me since the past relationship. and slowly...though very naturally and unforced... i saw that she was a realli nice girl. yeah yeah...TYPICAL. but when i say NICE about people (esp in this context)...i realli mean they are nice BEYOND normal humans. of course, she has her own evil side...which all humans have...but that expected...

so...after a few weeks...i guess i kind of developed feelings for her...maybe cos i was lonely...maybe cos she was the most attractive new friend i knew...maybe cos WADEVER. but i had some feelings for her, though slight. she had some feelings for me, probrably JUST SLIGHTLY (im not assuming here). it was slow. but i liked it. we were never bothered about it. talking to her would just be...so entertaining and interesting.

but things didnt work out. as usual. i was totally fine about it actually. totally! even though i knew i wouldnt be with her, i knew...it was fine...because we were close friends before all that...and what i wished most...was just for her friendship...that was the main thing...the CORE of our relation. and that alone...would be alrite for me. having her for a gf would just be like a plus. HA. (i cant believe i actually thought that way...so surreal)

then during poly.

i as usual, gaurded myself from getting lured by looks. i would not fall for such simple temptations.

stuff did happen eventually. but shut up about them.

so recently, im talking to that gal shin yi. no. i have no more of those feelings for her. but i am still interested in her life and whether she is fine.

i dunno why im typing all these stuff now. i lost the meaning some paragraphs ago.

now, this post is also a tribute to SHIN YI!

to this girl, i have had not any regrets knowing. now now shin yi dont be shy.

can u see the meaning here?

i never had to change myself for her. we saw each other as it was, and it was alrite. if things wouldnt work out...why make a big fuss about it. it was PEACEFUL. and i love my peace.

if a love is so disruptive, then why bother having it. even all the mortal happines u experience wont be enough if u have a love thats DISRUPTIVE. cos that kind of love is MORTAL SORROW to the limit. some love.

this doesnt mean im comparing any future to my past. no...i wouldnt be so blind.

i noe. i assume alot. all the time. maybe im assuming EVERYTHING u say and even JUST said? i dunno. realli. when i assume things, it doesnt mean i believe its SURELY true. its just a hypothesis. the most logical explaination i can think of FROM WHAT INFORMATION I HAVE. i like thinking of things like that...and if it bothers anyone...then thats who i am. want me to change what i am since the start of sec 1? this is what i do.

maybe ill regret some stuff i ASSUMED. but ill NEVER regret being my own self. no matter what.

all im saying...is that.

figure it out.

Constraint

Constraint

damn.

wei jie told me about spraying sculptures. and he is telling me work faster! damn!

i still havent finished with everything on my sculpture. still need to slice certain parts. itll be very fast to do, but still, im too slow!!! i will not be left behind!!!

its not like im slow or anything compared to the whole PID freshman batch but...i dont wanna be just the OK type. i wanna be one of the BETTER students, especially when it comes to stuff i like! comdi and colour can go screw off, but others like FoDev and ModMa...i wont allow myself to be taken so lightly...

HIAAAAAA! ILL WORK HARDER DAMMIT!

Swings

Swings

friday was yet another day i felt like i was pretty down and full of the blues.

not particularly SAD or anything but just...not ALIVE.

the kind of day where ur un-lively aura just seeps into the atmosphere and people will go like "hey man u dont seem alrite today...u ok?". THAT kind of day.

i had a little chat with rachel. shes also sad and down in the dumps. when we were chatting, though i didnt realise it, our so called GLOOM aura was pretty alarming. cos apparently, hui leng, who was sitting nearby, told us she was getting a little uncomfortable around us...like the air so heavy...then she moved away slowly from us... lol. it was pretty amusing.

so when i finally got to go home. GAWD was i thankful. the weekdays have ENDED! whew.

but it was talking to her just a bit that made me feel better.

honestly, i dunno what the hell is up with me. haha...one moment im so pissed then the next thing, i am tamed so simply! im a little shamed by that actually...to think ive become so unstable. heh.

sometimes i get the feeling she doesn't give a damn about me.

<edited on 1.32am 13/08/05 cos the original was just too disturbing to my eyes.>

Ineffeciency

Ineffeciency

today is a damn shitty day.

yeah. A SHITTY DAY!

i dont usually type my daily happenings and all that cause i noe its freakin BORING. hell when people just DRONE on about stuff in thier lives that no one gives a damn about, its freakin dull ya noe? at least give some INSIGHT people!

if u dont like that kinda stuff, DONT READ FURTHER cos i wanna type it out anyways to destress.

so the main reason why im pretty ticked off is cause today so much time is wasted on doing NONSENSE.

first off, my class at 9 ended early today, at 1020. yeah. freakin early. so me and a group of people went off to play pool. yeah. just till about 1 or 2 pm. no prob.

but then...as usual. its all these LITTLE THINGS that piss me off in the end.

the pool game was fine at first. but after awhile, things just got FREAKIN BORING. like...i hadnt eaten anything yet and was feeling weak, and my playing was being hindered cause of that. practically and obviously, i was having a BAD TIME playing. even if i wasnt performing that badly, i just wasnt feeling any VIBES.

then when u get bored, u dont care, and u keep missing, and all that stuff.

so the vicious cycle just went on till about 2:30 i left. and i had a class at 3. colour class. presentation. and my group had prepared NOTHING.

so i was like...*why the hell did i turn up man...sure...the presentation is 10% of my marks but honestly, i dont realli care!*

in the end, i just made like a stone and talked a little. florence saved my ass from mark damnation anyways. shes a pretty smooth talker with good nerves.

at that time, STILL wasnt so bad. still fine.

since the workshop was about to close anyways soon, (cos the time was 5. workshop closes at 5.30) i decided id not do my work yet with so little time left. i would just relax, eat and then proceed to do my work diligently in the workshop after that.

as i was about to go eat by myself, my friend timothy called, asking me to eat in mensa with him. but i turned him down cos at that time, my other friend asked me too, personally. and i believed i would have more fun with them. fun so i can destress a little before working.

but they realli noe how to FREAKIN WASTE TIME! dammit! today, the workshop is open later then usual SPECIFICALLY so that we can do extra work to finish our sculptures on time. and these people still have a ways to go even before they can say ALMOST finished. and they can stll just sit there and laugh and have fun and not have a care in the world. dammit ya noe...these sculptures take ALOT OF TIME. not even the so called 'LAO DA' wei jie would DARE say he is going to be done soon.

i get so sick of wasting time when i should be doing my work! i feel as if im lagging behind already!

theres a time to be crazy, be mad, and just be WHACKED UP...but these extra time to do our work should be taken seriously if he want to stay back for that.

im not gonna go out and eat with them next time during these days. im not gonna bother so much about them now.

IN THE END, BEING THE SOLO I WAS IS STILL THE WAY!

a solo who is friendly but in heart, is still independent and survives ALONE.

GUILT

GUILT

a story.

as i awaiting to go home from my grandma's house, i was constantly reminding myself to go online to chat with abby.

constantly telling myself. i dont wanna miss this.

so i arrived back home.

eta: 2040

lots of time i realised.

then my bro wanted to go watch a movie.

a movie.

i was reluctant. would i miss the chance?

but i went anyway.

the time slot was 2150.

i went in. hoping that the movie would end early.

soon i realised.

it wasnt going to happen. no time.

i was thinking i should tell her. dont wait for me. dont...

but i didnt.

I. DIDNT.

2330

i still didnt tell her. i was feeling a little worried.

i shrugged it off. shrugged it off.

eta: 0030

i arrive home. i immediately go online.

i see her nick.

immediately i feel bad.

then i wonder. did she update her blog.

she did.

as i read. i feel knives stabbing me.

in the heart. rite through. again and again.

i feel like a ASSHOLE. a JERK.

for a MOVIE. i went ahead despite my RELUCTANCE.

i did not tell her.

p.s.: HOW COULD I

Helix

Helix

cheerful guises make me sad. and then. utterly irritated.

understand?

anyways

i have a long time belief that all our lives (and nature, for that matter) follows a pattern called a helix.

a helix, for those who do not noe, is a type of shape that goes in spirals.

for example, DNA is in the shape of a double helix

so. anyone who has taken pure bio (dunno about sub bio though) would noe that a helix in 2D would signify the population of animals over a range of time in a habitat.

the animals in a habitat constantly increase and decrease in population, but NVR die out totally as long as nothing ruins it. things like people, or natural disasters. wadever.

so as for human lives.

what i believe, is our lives are also run that way. there are realli good days. and then, following after that, there are terrible days u wanna just heck it all.

just like a helix, constantly going on, but yet going in circles.

originally, what i believed was our lives were like a CIRCLE.

but i realised shortly, thats not possible, as our lives are ongoing, not repeating.

after typing all that stuff. what i wanna say is.

im think im in of of those time where im gonna take a visit to the bottom again.

cos i noe. the past weeks have been jolly fun. and recently, things have been looking a little more dull. and today, are reading and analyzing a little bit of text, i think i can sense an incoming deluge of sorrow or anger. i may be wrong, but i think i am quite right.

i think it started from a little conversation that was probrably just a meaningless venting of anger. but still, from such 'meaningless' actions, a few things can already be deduced.

p.s.: i think i am correct. till 25.