This is what it is

After talking to my friend, I am reminded.

I've heard this in the past. But I had forgotten about it.

Love is a commitment, not just a feeling.

Feelings are fickle.

A commitment is a promise to be rooted firmly.

I feel more confident now.

I feel like I'm going on auto-pilot.

Only one thing has been making me go manual. And it feels like a blur.

What is love?

Creature of Habit

Some habits are hard to stop.

Some habits, I have already stopped.

Some habits, I have not stopped.

Some habits, I do not want to stop.

Some habits, I can not stop.

Cease, I command you!

Times like these I wish I was stupid.

Sometimes, intellect can be a curse on the soul.

To think beyond reasonable lengths.

The dangers of thinking of thoughts.

Charcoal

I think it is clear to me now.

Why am I expecting an explosion when I know that's not what I'm looking for?

So let me tell you a story about my dear friend, Vacillate.

Vacillate was out, shopping for supplies for a BBQ later in the week.

He went to the charcoal section, and took a look at all the different grades of charcoal that were heaped in stacks in the corner of the not-so-super supermarket.

Vacillate noticed a peculiar thing. All these bloody worthless chunks of black rock (which legend has it came from burnt and compressed ancient wood) had different prices despite all of them being...well, chunks of black rock!!

Almost immediately however, Vacillate noticed something else. On one particular set of bags, the packaging had labels describing the efficiency and quick ignition of its fuel. And hey, they looked the best out of the lot. The packaging was eye-catching. It had the right combination of colours. And a good choice of font. Compared to the other bags of coal which were...trashy, crappy, old brown papered packaging that looked like it was designed during the Industrial Revolution. And let me tell you my friend, aesthetics plays a big part in product placement for the consumer (so true.)

Best of all? That outstandingly designed bag of charcoal was the cheapest. Yes, the cheapest! Vacillate couldn't believe it! And he was too stupid to ponder about it too.

So he bought the cheapest of them, since hey, why would chunks of black rock make a difference anyway? Only a moron (or worse, a rich man's son) would be stupid enough to buy the higher priced coal.

Thinking he had made a good deal from it, Vacillate was rather pleased with himself. Good job, moron.

*Fast forward to the actual BBQ*

Vacillate brought his bag of cheapo-yet-asthetically-pleasing bag of coal. He was ready for some serious barbecuing.

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Btw. Side track a bit. I know BBQ stand for barbecue. But the word barbecue doesn't have any Q in it. It's just because "cue" sounds like Q. I mean...seriously! I know it makes sense but yet it doesn't seem right! Does anyone get me here???

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*AHEM*

So, as I was saying, he was ready for some burninating of carcasses and various body parts of deceased animals into some delicious grub.

And as he wished, so he did! He started the fire excellently and all was well...

For an hour.

Then his fire started to die out. Ooookay, well no prob. He still had half a bag of fuel. Pour it on baby.

Then another hour, and again it died out. Dang. He was running out of fuel!

Cut the long story short (and because I am getting tired, its already 2.15am) the BBQ got a whole lot shittier because of the standard of the coal.

So what happened? Let me break it down for you.

Vacillate had been deceived by fancy packaging. The price should have been a telltale sign but he was too distracted by the aesthetics to discern. The cheap-and-attractive bag of coal burned strong and passionately, but it had no stamina to maintain itself. It turns out, the other bags of coal required more investments for a good reason. Good coal takes a longer time to ignite, but it is made to last. The packaging may look crappy, but like many things that stand the test of time, they don't rely on looks because inner quality shines without trying. And Vacillate had to learn his lesson the hard way.

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So.

How many times have you been let down by a fire that you thought would have lasted, but failed epically?

I know it's happened to me lots of times.

And looking back, it seems obvious, if I would have only discerned and not rushed into things.

What I am looking for, is not an explosive burst.

What I would like, is a perseverant ember.

One that won't die on me simply because its nature is not meant to last.

One that I won't regret putting effort into.

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How do you know then, if the choice you made is right?

You have to try it.

See whats good for you.

And learn from it each time.

I don't know what I want from this.

I don't even know what I really feel.

But I do know that something compels me. And I obey.

Constantly I ask myself if what I am doing is right.

Is it in line with God's will?

Am I acting blindly without considerations?

I don't really know.

What I do know however, is my prayer has been answered.

And whatever is the outcome from it, I will praise God.

And trust in him.

That I would be sincere, and open, and BRAVE (without the stupidity).

I admit that I have never cried with such sorrow till I knew You.

Lord Jesus, guide me.

Doubt

Sometimes late at night I wonder to myself if a lasting relationship is possible for me.

And at the back of my mind, the word is "no."

-

No, stop bluffing yourself cos you will never be able to move forward and you will just be as you are and you can never ever make things work cos you are just weird, you are a quirk, you dont fit with others, you dont make sense.

People may find you funny, or interesting, or a breath of fresh air, but you are a novelty and once people get sick of you and your ways then that is it, your luck is over and that is that.

So stop hoping for something to happen because it is pointless.

-

And God sends someone to remind me again...

"Doubt your doubt, before you doubt your beliefs."

And suddenly, I am saved.

-

Most times, I am clear and certain on what I want.

However, I've come to believe that it is those things which make me uncertain, that are most important.

Hi. I am a survivor from among millions of other contenders. I am the strongest out of my pack.

And so are you.

You out-lasted and succeeded where those millions have failed in life.

Don't you see? In your Mother's womb, you survived where they did not. You were the strongest, the best out of them. Out of millions, you were chosen.

So live your life full, as you were meant to.

Something is wrong with me.

I wake up and I feel...happy.

It's similar to the feeling of waking up to a lovely dream. But unlike in the past, I don't feel cheated. I don't feel like its a big joke.

There is some kind of excitement within me. It gives me some sort of energy, that I can do things. Like there's some promise to the future.

I hope this isn't just some passing sensation thats caused by superficial events.

Dear God, give me the strength to love and the courage to act.

Dear Santa.

This Christmas, I would like a zombie for a pet.

Dont worry Santa, it'll be safe. I'll cut its arms off, and remove all its teeth, and maybe its lower jaw too.

I'll take care of it. I'll feed it kittens, and maybe hamsters too.

I'll bring it out for walks and maybe feed it a punk or two.

So please Santa. Can I have a zombie pet, please?

Silence is a true friend who never betrays.

-Confucius

Loneliness grips me.

This night I feel like I want her to haunt me again.

And yet the feeling hits that it will never happen that way again. Not in the same way I let it wash over me in the past.

It is that nostalgia, that reminder of the past that floated by like a whiff of perfume and bam! - the memories come back.

But I am stronger now.

This is the first time in a long time I really feel like telling someone "I will miss you" and yet not be able to say it.

Semesterstone

Am done with my first major milestone of my first year in Lasalle.

Finished with the summative feedback, where they grade each students progress throughout the first semester after looking through our project works and journaling.

Honestly, my course in Lasalle is a lot more 'chill' than my course in Temasek. I feel like I have so much more free time. Or maybe now it could be that I am just more efficient, with me being done with 3 years of design school and 2 years of army discipline.

So, I feel like I am really slack. But the grades I got were not bad.

I got a "Good" grade for my project works as well as for my Creative Process Journaling.

A "Good" grade is sort of the grade to say "you are doing pretty alright, maintain this. but there are ways you can improve yourself", while a grade lower (satisfactory) would be to say "okay you made it, but you are at the borderline". Why borderline? Because lower than satisfactory is the "Unsatisfactory" grade, which is literally labeled with fine print at the bottom with the words: "Redeemable fail".

I expected myself to get what I did. Because any lower and that would not be justice for the effort and quality of work I know I put in. Any higher, and that would be injustice for all the things I did not do or was too lazy to make it into an excellent piece of work.

The lecturers were fair, thorough, and they knew what the students were doing, and more importantly, trying to do with their work.

I appreciate how the lecturers do not look at just the end result. The process from start to finish is just as important, if not more so than just the finish, when it came to the grading. I cannot be entirely certain that they remember every students work but it definitely feels that way - that they follow and know their students work individually.

Now after grading, the task is to keep in mind their suggested ways of improving my work and look forward to the next semester of school.

I have no more classes till the 10th of January. That is about 2 months of holidays. I have not had such a long break ever since... Well, ever since I enlisted into the army! Really, I am not certain what I am doing to do for 2 months.

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Thank God for the skills and talents that he has gifted me. Let it be a constant reminder that without Him, I have nothing, and so I should be humble and never boast of these gifts.

Let it also be a constant reminder that my actions are accountable. I am a helper of my fellow man, and though I may be lacking or unaware at times, may I continue to improve myself and continue to assist and be a friend to those in need. Forgive me for the times where I did not do so, for the times I thought of just myself.

Once again, I thank God for all the things which have happened and are yet to happen, regardless of whatever awaits.

NOT DEAD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

This blog is under the blogspot domain.

Yes. Blogspot.

I know, I know...Blogspot is so 2006. Not cool like tumblr. *snort*

And...

I know, I know, I haven't written anything worth reading in a long time.

Well when I was in the army, I kept all my thoughts and feelings by journaling in a Little Black Book.

It was nice, to sit down and collect my thoughts and channel them unto a medium of ink and fibre.

But now that I am out of the army, my goodness, I havent even opened that LBB since late august.

Because...Army gave me lots of time to sit down and do nothing.

So do I mean I do not have enough time now that I am out? Definitely not! But don't you know there are so many better distractions??

Well, the chaotic and tumultuous world of being a civilian isn't as PEACEFUL as the army my dear readers! (Oh the irony!)

So like times before, I happen to read through the history of my dear old and dreadfully out-of-style blog, I get that feeling of nostalgia once again (such a troublesome emotion don't you agree?). So here I am. Typing away.

So.

How have you been lately?

-I've been bloody damned lazy.

What ya been up to since leaving the army?

-In LASALLE now. 3 years to go.

How is school?

-School is alright. Learning lots of new things which I am really enjoying. But damn I am so lazy and that complicates things.

What are you studying now?

-Study...? That word sounds familiar, I think I heard some sad sap mentioning it together with that other word...what was it...EXAMS??

Okay fine, what are you doing in school then?

-Design Communication. Basically, to communicate through design. I know, so deep right? Mmm

Any hot designer chicks?

-Haiz. You sad business/engineering/science students. But seriously, there are some freaky looking posers. I mean...fashionably confident people. Yeah.

Any hot designer guys?

- Are you flirting with me? *Gets stabbed in the eye*

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Okay, I think that's enough for now. Till next time.