It is 6.06am on a Sunday morning.
I will have to book in by night time.
I am going to sleep till noon.
I have no intention of going for Mass.
I only have the intention of meeting people. Tangible people. Something I can comprehend. Something that does not have to be omni-potently uncomprehendable.
People ask me how I've been doing. But the gritty, dark details are not what they want to know. They would not sit with me and ask of such. Most people dont give a damn. I wonder why we ask each other when we dont really want to know. What an odd and strangely distant way of showing concern.
It is nights like these that are worst when one headily dives into. And this night, I shall, and I have. The kind of madness that maddens me so and yet I keep calm and steady in my seat. And steady as I sit with feet not still, within me things are brewing but without a flame. A feeling that sickens and beckons me alike.
The lengthy longings are slaying me and they keep me alive. A most unpleasent sensation. These eyes they wander and the mind wanders with them to somewhere distant far off this reality. To long for and wish to receive, knowing I will not receive, only wishing I could deceive deceive deceive myself into believing that I would and could have some sort of COMPANY. Maybe, perhaps, tis simply not more than the deep desperation of the the fairer company? I know for naught and I dare not know.
It is 6.35am on a Sunday morning.
And I am done with todays darkness.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, November 08, 2009
How are you?!
"EY VIC! Long time! How are you?!"
*faint smile* "Uh...not sure really"
"HAHAHA what kind of answer is that???"
"Well im not sure how i feel so, im not sure"
"Err dude...chill leh hahaha, just a question!"
"Well then whats the point if I give a typical answer??"
"Eh...okay lah riiight"
"Uh huh...missed you guys alot"
" Oh thanx"
*pat on the shoulder*
*silence*
*faint smile* "Uh...not sure really"
"HAHAHA what kind of answer is that???"
"Well im not sure how i feel so, im not sure"
"Err dude...chill leh hahaha, just a question!"
"Well then whats the point if I give a typical answer??"
"Eh...okay lah riiight"
"Uh huh...missed you guys alot"
" Oh thanx"
*pat on the shoulder*
*silence*
Friday, July 17, 2009
As tough as wet cardboard
3 days ago on Tuesday, was the first time I have ever been in a fight. A physical one involving beating up my opponent with a pugil stick (google it).
Okay, I should correct myself. It's not really a fight. It's sparring. Between my army buddy and me.
But still, it was the first time I ever threw myself (literally) at someone to smash and bash his head in.
Here is what I learnt.
Watching boxing and martial arts matches can be fun. And the athletes in them can go on fighting for quite a few minutes each match without throwing in the towel.
But 30 seconds swinging that bloody bolster of a stick was tough work! In fact I felt it felt equivalent to sprinting 100 metres with weights on my body.
By 1m30secs, I was completely winded. If you know what SOC is, it felt like I had just finished running through it. Could barely even hold my stance.
I admit, fighting my buddy was not as tough as it could have been because well...my buddy is an extremely nice fellow. He probably cannot even bear to give me a full swing of the stick despite donning thick body and head padding. So I pretty much owned him, and I am told I was really aggressive. (To make up for my otherwise normally passive state.)
I actually thought I was NOT BAD.
-
Then come to Wednesday, the 2nd time I had a sparring match.
I fought against another friend of mine. And he was alot more aggressive and powerful than my previous day opponent.
To cut it short, I pretty much got owned. It was also the first time I got smacked straight in the head so forcefully before. I made me recall how in boxing, a good solid blow to the head could knock someone flat on the mat. I could literally feel my head spin for a split second before snapping back to reality.
And worst of all, by the 1m30sec mark, I could not breath well. I could not even hold up my posture. I felt like my body was about to give way. I cannot be sure why...perhaps it was the blow to the head so early in the match, or perhaps it was the diarrhoea I had in in the morning (the fight was near 2pm), or perhaps I was exerting too much.
My partner was merciful to me. He stopped attacking when he saw I was breathless. He waited for me to recover before striking again. He constantly asked during the fight if I was alright (something was definitely wrong with me).
I got trashed. It did not matter how aggressive I was; My whole body felt weak.
More importantly it left in me another feeling. A much deeper one, not ending with my body. I was not sure what this feeling was but I was quite silent for the rest of the lesson.
-
Thursday, I woke and I recalled the fight. Recalled that feeling I had after the match.
Suddenly, I realised what it was. It was the feeling of humility in defeat. It was also the feeling of respect for the person who had bested me. I could not understand why I should have felt that way over a simple and otherwise meaningless duel.
But the fact remains, like I said. I felt it. And I could only obey that feeling.
I could only comply that I am indeed weak.
-
It made me wonder.
What could defeat mean to a man, that it could have such a profound impact?
-
Had I not been beaten, I would probably have thought myself an even better fighter than before.
In this way, defeat can be a good thing for the soul of a man.
Okay, I should correct myself. It's not really a fight. It's sparring. Between my army buddy and me.
But still, it was the first time I ever threw myself (literally) at someone to smash and bash his head in.
Here is what I learnt.
Watching boxing and martial arts matches can be fun. And the athletes in them can go on fighting for quite a few minutes each match without throwing in the towel.
But 30 seconds swinging that bloody bolster of a stick was tough work! In fact I felt it felt equivalent to sprinting 100 metres with weights on my body.
By 1m30secs, I was completely winded. If you know what SOC is, it felt like I had just finished running through it. Could barely even hold my stance.
I admit, fighting my buddy was not as tough as it could have been because well...my buddy is an extremely nice fellow. He probably cannot even bear to give me a full swing of the stick despite donning thick body and head padding. So I pretty much owned him, and I am told I was really aggressive. (To make up for my otherwise normally passive state.)
I actually thought I was NOT BAD.
-
Then come to Wednesday, the 2nd time I had a sparring match.
I fought against another friend of mine. And he was alot more aggressive and powerful than my previous day opponent.
To cut it short, I pretty much got owned. It was also the first time I got smacked straight in the head so forcefully before. I made me recall how in boxing, a good solid blow to the head could knock someone flat on the mat. I could literally feel my head spin for a split second before snapping back to reality.
And worst of all, by the 1m30sec mark, I could not breath well. I could not even hold up my posture. I felt like my body was about to give way. I cannot be sure why...perhaps it was the blow to the head so early in the match, or perhaps it was the diarrhoea I had in in the morning (the fight was near 2pm), or perhaps I was exerting too much.
My partner was merciful to me. He stopped attacking when he saw I was breathless. He waited for me to recover before striking again. He constantly asked during the fight if I was alright (something was definitely wrong with me).
I got trashed. It did not matter how aggressive I was; My whole body felt weak.
More importantly it left in me another feeling. A much deeper one, not ending with my body. I was not sure what this feeling was but I was quite silent for the rest of the lesson.
-
Thursday, I woke and I recalled the fight. Recalled that feeling I had after the match.
Suddenly, I realised what it was. It was the feeling of humility in defeat. It was also the feeling of respect for the person who had bested me. I could not understand why I should have felt that way over a simple and otherwise meaningless duel.
But the fact remains, like I said. I felt it. And I could only obey that feeling.
I could only comply that I am indeed weak.
-
It made me wonder.
What could defeat mean to a man, that it could have such a profound impact?
-
Had I not been beaten, I would probably have thought myself an even better fighter than before.
In this way, defeat can be a good thing for the soul of a man.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunshine
I am already 20.
Going to 21 soon. (hint hint people, hehe!)
I was thinking to myself: should I really still be typing out such "emo" and weepy entries and publishing it as and when I feel down?
I am already passed by teens, that kind of thing, to me has always been what punk ass teens do. And yet actually, I am no better then that.
No doubt age is a number that should not define me, I still cannot help but feel I ought to "grow up".
I guess its inevitable for someone like me who puts much importance on my emotions, but its unbalanced. I often just write rather dark entries, and it is all leaning to one side. Its all really quite dreary and I can feel it.
This place needs a little more sunshine hmm.
And lastly.
Don't forget my birthday!
XD
Going to 21 soon. (hint hint people, hehe!)
I was thinking to myself: should I really still be typing out such "emo" and weepy entries and publishing it as and when I feel down?
I am already passed by teens, that kind of thing, to me has always been what punk ass teens do. And yet actually, I am no better then that.
No doubt age is a number that should not define me, I still cannot help but feel I ought to "grow up".
I guess its inevitable for someone like me who puts much importance on my emotions, but its unbalanced. I often just write rather dark entries, and it is all leaning to one side. Its all really quite dreary and I can feel it.
This place needs a little more sunshine hmm.
And lastly.
Don't forget my birthday!
XD
Saturday, June 27, 2009
To find...Longing and Loneliness
To find joy in
Longing and Loneliness.
-
I once stated before a fact, though I do not think many of my friends know, that I enjoy the bits of sorrow in life that come and go.
It is odd in a way, how it does feel rather "emo" and depressing, and yet, I feel a certain belonging to it. I cannot describe it; it is rather like a love-hate relationship.
I sometimes wish I could be rid of it and perhaps feel more numb for sometimes, emotions can be so overwhelming. At the same time, I feel like I could barely want it to leave me for it is this intensity that gives life.
In the mean time, I try to suppress these emotions. They just do not help now and in fact they kind of hurt.
To be a hallowed shell. It is such a sin of wasting what is given to me, but I can barely stand it now.
Longing and Loneliness.
-
I once stated before a fact, though I do not think many of my friends know, that I enjoy the bits of sorrow in life that come and go.
It is odd in a way, how it does feel rather "emo" and depressing, and yet, I feel a certain belonging to it. I cannot describe it; it is rather like a love-hate relationship.
I sometimes wish I could be rid of it and perhaps feel more numb for sometimes, emotions can be so overwhelming. At the same time, I feel like I could barely want it to leave me for it is this intensity that gives life.
In the mean time, I try to suppress these emotions. They just do not help now and in fact they kind of hurt.
To be a hallowed shell. It is such a sin of wasting what is given to me, but I can barely stand it now.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Surging...Emptiness
Surging emotions, poured into a jar of emptiness.
Where do these feelings start and where do they end?
-
I am brought on a journey, and abruptly, I am dropped off.
No where near the supposed destination, I wander in confusion.
The path seems familiar but I can't find my way.
I try to walk, but as I do, I cannot feel myself moving.
I try to run, and I fall to the floor.
"What now?", I think to myself...
I pick myself up, and I just have to keep walking.
Till I get back to where I left off.
-
Where do these feelings start and where do they end?
-
I am brought on a journey, and abruptly, I am dropped off.
No where near the supposed destination, I wander in confusion.
The path seems familiar but I can't find my way.
I try to walk, but as I do, I cannot feel myself moving.
I try to run, and I fall to the floor.
"What now?", I think to myself...
I pick myself up, and I just have to keep walking.
Till I get back to where I left off.
-
Monday, April 20, 2009
Departure
Conscript W X GOH is departing for Thailand, on the night of 230408, 2145hrs*.
- Sayok, Kachanaburi province, some 170 kiolometres west of Bangkok, Thailand. -
He will be participating in Exercise: Crescendo for 3 weeks and will be returning from Thailand to Singapore on the morning of 170508, 0115hrs* .
* (time information only accurate in accordance to the memory of author)
The temperature will be estimated at 40-45 degrees Celcius.
-
Hello all. As the statement above goes, I am going to Thailand for 3 weeks.
It will be very, very hot.
And I can feel myself missing home already.
Hope everything will be fine over there, and that I'll be too occupied to think of all the people and places in Singapore!
To all those who believe in God or similar, do pray for the safety of all the soldiers.
-
Till next we meet =)
- Sayok, Kachanaburi province, some 170 kiolometres west of Bangkok, Thailand. -
He will be participating in Exercise: Crescendo for 3 weeks and will be returning from Thailand to Singapore on the morning of 170508, 0115hrs* .
* (time information only accurate in accordance to the memory of author)
The temperature will be estimated at 40-45 degrees Celcius.
-
Hello all. As the statement above goes, I am going to Thailand for 3 weeks.
It will be very, very hot.
And I can feel myself missing home already.
Hope everything will be fine over there, and that I'll be too occupied to think of all the people and places in Singapore!
To all those who believe in God or similar, do pray for the safety of all the soldiers.
-
Till next we meet =)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Aftertaste
There was a certain girl in my life.
She was
Complex.
Dark.
Emotional.
Pessimistic.
Mysterious.
Poetic.
Artistic.
Cold.
Playful.
Always a Tease.
Full of Fear.
Composed and controlled.
& yet
Full of Strife.
Fiercely Independent
Obstinately opinionated.
Uncaring of her Lover.
A Catholic
who embraced
sorrow,
and invited
death.
one who kept me captive in my own prison,
whom i threw the key away for.
one who made me apprehend to utter the word,
"LOVE".
-
I have moved on, and yet I have not.
She lingers, but only in my mind.
-
It leaves a bad taste.
And it persists after.
But Somehow...
It cannot be washed off.
And yet it does not seem so bad then.
-
Pass me the Listerine, Extra Strong.
She was
Complex.
Dark.
Emotional.
Pessimistic.
Mysterious.
Poetic.
Artistic.
Cold.
Playful.
Always a Tease.
Full of Fear.
Composed and controlled.
& yet
Full of Strife.
Fiercely Independent
Obstinately opinionated.
Uncaring of her Lover.
A Catholic
who embraced
sorrow,
and invited
death.
one who kept me captive in my own prison,
whom i threw the key away for.
one who made me apprehend to utter the word,
"LOVE".
-
I have moved on, and yet I have not.
She lingers, but only in my mind.
-
It leaves a bad taste.
And it persists after.
But Somehow...
It cannot be washed off.
And yet it does not seem so bad then.
-
Pass me the Listerine, Extra Strong.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Not-so-sweet dreams.
It seems that every night I spend at home is the saddest night of the week.
When sweet dreams are dreamt, I find myself waking only to bitterness and sorrow.
I would lie awake feeling cheated and anguished and yet confused as to why.
Its really an irony the way this works.
When sweet dreams are dreamt, I find myself waking only to bitterness and sorrow.
I would lie awake feeling cheated and anguished and yet confused as to why.
Its really an irony the way this works.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Deprived
I'm beginning to feel extremely deprived.
Of what?
Of having a proper lifestyle.
I spend my weekdays in the army.
And every weekend I go home with nothing much to look forward to, usually with no plans whatsoever.
Then I book into my army camp again on Sunday.
I should do something about this...
Hopefully I'm not too lazy to bother...
Of what?
Of having a proper lifestyle.
I spend my weekdays in the army.
And every weekend I go home with nothing much to look forward to, usually with no plans whatsoever.
Then I book into my army camp again on Sunday.
I should do something about this...
Hopefully I'm not too lazy to bother...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Man of extinction
What does it mean to be a man in this day and age?
Sometimes I ponder upon this and really it feels like us men are no longer what we used to be.
Is chivalry truly dead in this world? (As goes the same for old feminine ways.)
Perhaps there are still remnants of these lingering, but woefully so.
Sometimes I ponder upon this and really it feels like us men are no longer what we used to be.
Is chivalry truly dead in this world? (As goes the same for old feminine ways.)
Perhaps there are still remnants of these lingering, but woefully so.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
That which binds and yet strengthens.
I have chains that are restraining me. These chains are what hold me back.
But at the same time, they give me strength. Strength that would otherwise be missing in my life.
Do you know what chains these are?
But at the same time, they give me strength. Strength that would otherwise be missing in my life.
Do you know what chains these are?
Sunday, January 04, 2009
The Sky
I never knew the beauty of the sky, till I suffered under it.
For some strange reason the sky always looks so beautiful when I am in camp.
For some strange reason the sky always looks so beautiful when I am in camp.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Year Long Reflection
Hello all.
Looking back at this year, I really don't know where to start.
So much happened!!! Now I know in a year many things can change but 2008 has really been a year of many significant things for me.
I'll list down the major happenings (that i can remember) in chronological order.
I really feel like I've been on a huge journey for 2008.
Just a year ago, I could not even imagine myself praying over others and being able to feel God in such an intimate and real way. I was so full of doubt over myself.
I guess it really shows, the trials that God place for us change and strengthen us. I feel like the Lord has shaped me to be someone closer to what he had intended me to be. Thinking back i really cannot ask for more. Despite all the sufferings and heartaches that 2008 has put me through...I now understand why I've been put through it all.
I'm not sure what to share in particular for the year, but I'll recap are the major lessons I've learnt. MAYBE it might prove useful to whoever is reading.
Its odd in a way but I feel like I am finally LIVING the life I am supposed to live. No doubt I am still searching for who I am and what I am called to do, but it's like I know I am going the right path. A path worth going through the struggles for.
To another year, in faith
-Vic
Looking back at this year, I really don't know where to start.
So much happened!!! Now I know in a year many things can change but 2008 has really been a year of many significant things for me.
I'll list down the major happenings (that i can remember) in chronological order.
- graduating from poly.
- going on a pilgrimage to the holy land, Isreal.
- being the Quiet Time head for june YISS, My Glorious
- being a Facil for june YISS, My Glorious
- working with my admin job for 2.5 months and journeying along the way
- The major ups and downs before i enlisted
- Enlisting into the army!!!
- Suffering and enjoying the army
- Changing from a boy to a man
- Serving for dec YISS, Liberation
I really feel like I've been on a huge journey for 2008.
Just a year ago, I could not even imagine myself praying over others and being able to feel God in such an intimate and real way. I was so full of doubt over myself.
I guess it really shows, the trials that God place for us change and strengthen us. I feel like the Lord has shaped me to be someone closer to what he had intended me to be. Thinking back i really cannot ask for more. Despite all the sufferings and heartaches that 2008 has put me through...I now understand why I've been put through it all.
I'm not sure what to share in particular for the year, but I'll recap are the major lessons I've learnt. MAYBE it might prove useful to whoever is reading.
- Relationships are not simply just for one's own satisfaction and enjoyment, but for the betterment and positive growth of both parties as well as the community they are in. If the time is not right, accept the terms and move on.
- JOB 1:21!!!
- Trials can be fearsome and terrible. But with every one that is overcome, a new strength is assured. e.i.: The Army...lol.
- The will of the Lord is unfathomable to us. In times of despair and hopelessness, always remember that he has great plans. During my time in Israel, I felt lost and disillusioned. I wanted to be back home preparing for YISS and attending the spiritual prep before YISS. Not only that, I had also missed my graduation ceremony due to the pilgrimage. But after it was over, I realised that the time in Israel really thought me invaluable lessons I could never have gotten no matter how long i stayed in Singapore preparing for YISS.
- Truth to oneself is more important than simple happiness. There was a time before i enlisted where I felt suffocated by what I felt i had to be in Amplify. It became a chore for me each week to do my duties as I felt i was simply not being myself.
Its odd in a way but I feel like I am finally LIVING the life I am supposed to live. No doubt I am still searching for who I am and what I am called to do, but it's like I know I am going the right path. A path worth going through the struggles for.
To another year, in faith
-Vic
Sunday, December 21, 2008
SISPEC
Im done with my recruit phase in Tekong.
Onwards in my journey through NS - becoming a sergeant.
I've been posted to SISPEC and I have to report tommorrow morning 8am at Pasir Laba.
I live in Pasir Ris. Do you have any idea how far that is? It's REALLY far. Like one side of the island to the other.
Just hope I don't get posted into a super shiong company...PLEASE!
And even more importantly, that my buddy will not be a hopeless fella.
So far I've been lucky...lets see how it goes.
I miss all my friends. Onwards to no life baby.
Onwards in my journey through NS - becoming a sergeant.
I've been posted to SISPEC and I have to report tommorrow morning 8am at Pasir Laba.
I live in Pasir Ris. Do you have any idea how far that is? It's REALLY far. Like one side of the island to the other.
Just hope I don't get posted into a super shiong company...PLEASE!
And even more importantly, that my buddy will not be a hopeless fella.
So far I've been lucky...lets see how it goes.
I miss all my friends. Onwards to no life baby.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Hi all.
I'm doing fine in the army. Just a few more weeks to go.
I pass out of my BMT phase on the 9th of Dec.
The only thing thats rather bothersome for me now is that loneliness settles in now and then.
Being in the army really limits the time I spend with my friends, and I also feel cut off from civilisation (literally man...).
Gotta get through this...
I'm doing fine in the army. Just a few more weeks to go.
I pass out of my BMT phase on the 9th of Dec.
The only thing thats rather bothersome for me now is that loneliness settles in now and then.
Being in the army really limits the time I spend with my friends, and I also feel cut off from civilisation (literally man...).
Gotta get through this...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Next phase in life
This is it everyone.
I am finally going in to the army.
Pray for me, for I know it will be a tough ride ahead.
I ask that I have the strength to remain faithful, to love God and my fellow man.
Dear Lord, of all the gifts You have given me, I thank You most of all for my conscience, for giving me an acute understanding of morality in mine and other peoples actions.
Dear Lord, help me to overcome the feelings of disdain for my conscience due to the responsibility it brings to me. Help me to know that regardless of what happens, I should not desire the temptation of sin. Though I may be tempted, let me not desire for it.
Dear Lord,
The path ahead looks gloomy and difficult. Already, even before my enlistment, I have been dealt a heavy blow. But Lord, I want to remain steadfast in Your love. Help me to overcome my feelings of anger, of wrath, of destruction. Help me to overcome my feelings of hatred. What you have gifted unto me oh Lord, I should be ready to part with, for it was not mine but Yours.
Help me to let go...open mine eyes to Your will.
Help me to FORGIVE.
In this I pray to you Lord, Amen
-
I am finally going in to the army.
Pray for me, for I know it will be a tough ride ahead.
I ask that I have the strength to remain faithful, to love God and my fellow man.
Dear Lord, of all the gifts You have given me, I thank You most of all for my conscience, for giving me an acute understanding of morality in mine and other peoples actions.
Dear Lord, help me to overcome the feelings of disdain for my conscience due to the responsibility it brings to me. Help me to know that regardless of what happens, I should not desire the temptation of sin. Though I may be tempted, let me not desire for it.
Dear Lord,
The path ahead looks gloomy and difficult. Already, even before my enlistment, I have been dealt a heavy blow. But Lord, I want to remain steadfast in Your love. Help me to overcome my feelings of anger, of wrath, of destruction. Help me to overcome my feelings of hatred. What you have gifted unto me oh Lord, I should be ready to part with, for it was not mine but Yours.
Help me to let go...open mine eyes to Your will.
Help me to FORGIVE.
In this I pray to you Lord, Amen
-
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