I dont know how to pray this. So I have decided I will type it out.

I am angry. Upset. Tired.

God, I am angry, upset and tired. Not at you. Definitely not. But at your people. I am upset that those who planned the Christmas party did not consult us, the Logistics team. And then they expect us to go through with the decoration like it is our job. They thought of the concept and when they were satisfied, left the work to us to do. I really do feel this way, like they are throwing their job to us. They speak to the crowds and build the hopes up for the event and expect us to work to match up to those hopes. But I cannot see it Lord, I cannot! Each time I hear them my heart worries as I just don't see it. It falls to us to work!!!

Dear God, I am very very very angry when I think about it all!

Now for this week I have to work on the decor everyday. I never wanted this but somehow it became my problem.

I am sacrificing my time to do this when I barely feel their presence. I NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM DOING EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!

It is not just this Christmas party. I am tired of setting up decoration for events that I have no interest in and have no joy in doing whatsoever. God, if I were to serve you, I want to serve in gladness and joy, not in agony. I do not want to be a part of this any longer but I am bound by responsibility.

God, guide me in my actions and in what I do. You know me and you alone shall judge me in the coming weeks. I have decided that once I fulfill this task, I will no longer be involved in such work that pains me.

God guide me. God give me strength to do what I have to do.

God...I will continue on, because I have no choice now. They need me and that is why I continue, because I cannot just leave it without finishing. But I am resolute in my desire to no longer suffer this in the future.

Help me God.

Help me to find peace.

Help me to forgive them.

Help me to be RESOLUTE and ADAMANT for what is right and just!

Help me to do what is necessary!

Help me to love them while speaking and to act in love once it is over.

This I pray to you Lord.

Amen.

Be a volunteer

Serve with joy. You must.

This blog.

I realise all of my friends old blogs are no longer active.

Blogging was popular back in 2004.

Now no one bothers.

And yet I still blog now and then.

This blog is so very old.

It has so many memories kept inside of it.

All the good and bad experiences, the terrible writing, the totally unpolitically correct entries I used to post, the interesting stories, the rants, the many reflections and thoughts.

And yet... One day it will be left behind. All of it.

Makes me somewhat sad.

If you are an old friend of mine who knew this blog, leave me a msg.

Taylor Swift

I've slept 3 hrs in 2 days and you need to shut up.

I feel lost without her.

Lord, help. Help.

The Dark Root

The darkness does not seep in.

It seeps out from the heart and infects the rest of the body.

And the root of it is in the intellect of ones mind.

In observance, evil and twisted thoughts do occur.

In remembrance, temptations sometimes get to me.

The hunt for things long lost, and the hunt for things anew.

Will he ever be satisfied?

Dear God

Dear God, if ever I were to doubt You, You have made it such that I can never doubt what You have gifted me. As logic dictates, the giver is greater than the gift, thus it has been made so that I should never doubt. But in my mortal weakness and cursed intellect, I do. Let what has been given me be a reminder of You, O Lord. Despite my misgivings and flaws, You have seen me through this existence, and in the faith You place upon me, I have no right to resist You or turn away from You.

Dear God. I thank You for bringing Karen into my life.

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you,

Philippians 1:3

I stare at the screen, thinking of all the things I should note down.

I get to writing. And nothing happens.

The purpose seems lacking.

And that is the story of this blog for now.

Little words written by me mean so little next to the reality that is her.

My words try to shine some light of my feelings but what could compare?

The look in her eyes is enough for my heart to skip a beat.

And that may very well kill me one day.

Or have I already been slain?

Two men seek a great treasure.

Both go their own ways in seeking out what they desire, following what they feel is best in their hearts.

They end up in entirely different routes on their journey.

One ends up in the dessert.

The other finds himself in the vast ocean.

Who was on the right path and who was further away?

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As men are different, so too are their ways. As truth is definite, so too the paths leading to it.

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Is Truth definite?

Yes.

Is there a fixed Truth among man?

No, I do not believe so.

To be spiritual is an attempt to see the world in its intended reality. To see a perspective of this world which the eye alone cannot witness. Instead, the heart itself is used to feel, to see and to hear, and in doing so, to perceive a truth that goes beyond the surface.

To be lacking in the spirit would be to see the world in its reality, but only with the mind of logic and pure rationality, without the sense of "feeling". It reminds me of chasing after desires that have no lasting worth. A habit of those who seek to fill the void in their hearts with the things of this world.

To be over-spiritual... is to see what is in ones imagination, puffing it up, and proposing it as reality. The defining quality of over-spiritualism would be the exaggeration of the mind that seems to supersede the normal intended purpose of things. To make something appear to be more than it is.

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Those lacking in spirit are oft characterised as people who chase after objects of material value that have little worth in the afterlife. The types who seem to place integrity lower on the list. The types who use their bodies for their own devices. It has little to do with religion. Everything to do with principle.

Those who are over-spiritual are oft characterised as the religious who go through extra lengths to credit everything in their lives to something supernatural. They fail to see the world as it is and instead make of it what they imagine to be something much more grand. The danger here lies in the distortion of truth to suit their conceived notions.

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Are we guilty of being either?

Tis not to say that the world is simply mundane. In fact, it is so much in its ordinary state. No need for embellishments. It is beautiful simply because. Something that must be felt, not studied. Stand silent and behold.

Holy Macaroni...

After next Moon day I have 3 months of non-schoolery!

And then I have to be slapped Awake.

Already, one school year is done with. 2 more to go.

And 30 and 6 thousands more to give.

Dear God,

I shall not ask You to guide me, for that is like telling the stars to burn and for light to shine or for snow to be cold.

Instead, I ask that You help me open my eyes, that I may see. That You help me be silent, so I may listen.

That in all things, I seek you first.

That in all I am given, to value You most.

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I am not a good Catholic.

But I must at least listen to this heart inside me.

This is what it is

After talking to my friend, I am reminded.

I've heard this in the past. But I had forgotten about it.

Love is a commitment, not just a feeling.

Feelings are fickle.

A commitment is a promise to be rooted firmly.

I feel more confident now.

I feel like I'm going on auto-pilot.

Only one thing has been making me go manual. And it feels like a blur.

What is love?

Creature of Habit

Some habits are hard to stop.

Some habits, I have already stopped.

Some habits, I have not stopped.

Some habits, I do not want to stop.

Some habits, I can not stop.

Cease, I command you!

Times like these I wish I was stupid.

Sometimes, intellect can be a curse on the soul.

To think beyond reasonable lengths.

The dangers of thinking of thoughts.

Charcoal

I think it is clear to me now.

Why am I expecting an explosion when I know that's not what I'm looking for?

So let me tell you a story about my dear friend, Vacillate.

Vacillate was out, shopping for supplies for a BBQ later in the week.

He went to the charcoal section, and took a look at all the different grades of charcoal that were heaped in stacks in the corner of the not-so-super supermarket.

Vacillate noticed a peculiar thing. All these bloody worthless chunks of black rock (which legend has it came from burnt and compressed ancient wood) had different prices despite all of them being...well, chunks of black rock!!

Almost immediately however, Vacillate noticed something else. On one particular set of bags, the packaging had labels describing the efficiency and quick ignition of its fuel. And hey, they looked the best out of the lot. The packaging was eye-catching. It had the right combination of colours. And a good choice of font. Compared to the other bags of coal which were...trashy, crappy, old brown papered packaging that looked like it was designed during the Industrial Revolution. And let me tell you my friend, aesthetics plays a big part in product placement for the consumer (so true.)

Best of all? That outstandingly designed bag of charcoal was the cheapest. Yes, the cheapest! Vacillate couldn't believe it! And he was too stupid to ponder about it too.

So he bought the cheapest of them, since hey, why would chunks of black rock make a difference anyway? Only a moron (or worse, a rich man's son) would be stupid enough to buy the higher priced coal.

Thinking he had made a good deal from it, Vacillate was rather pleased with himself. Good job, moron.

*Fast forward to the actual BBQ*

Vacillate brought his bag of cheapo-yet-asthetically-pleasing bag of coal. He was ready for some serious barbecuing.

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Btw. Side track a bit. I know BBQ stand for barbecue. But the word barbecue doesn't have any Q in it. It's just because "cue" sounds like Q. I mean...seriously! I know it makes sense but yet it doesn't seem right! Does anyone get me here???

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*AHEM*

So, as I was saying, he was ready for some burninating of carcasses and various body parts of deceased animals into some delicious grub.

And as he wished, so he did! He started the fire excellently and all was well...

For an hour.

Then his fire started to die out. Ooookay, well no prob. He still had half a bag of fuel. Pour it on baby.

Then another hour, and again it died out. Dang. He was running out of fuel!

Cut the long story short (and because I am getting tired, its already 2.15am) the BBQ got a whole lot shittier because of the standard of the coal.

So what happened? Let me break it down for you.

Vacillate had been deceived by fancy packaging. The price should have been a telltale sign but he was too distracted by the aesthetics to discern. The cheap-and-attractive bag of coal burned strong and passionately, but it had no stamina to maintain itself. It turns out, the other bags of coal required more investments for a good reason. Good coal takes a longer time to ignite, but it is made to last. The packaging may look crappy, but like many things that stand the test of time, they don't rely on looks because inner quality shines without trying. And Vacillate had to learn his lesson the hard way.

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So.

How many times have you been let down by a fire that you thought would have lasted, but failed epically?

I know it's happened to me lots of times.

And looking back, it seems obvious, if I would have only discerned and not rushed into things.

What I am looking for, is not an explosive burst.

What I would like, is a perseverant ember.

One that won't die on me simply because its nature is not meant to last.

One that I won't regret putting effort into.

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How do you know then, if the choice you made is right?

You have to try it.

See whats good for you.

And learn from it each time.

I don't know what I want from this.

I don't even know what I really feel.

But I do know that something compels me. And I obey.

Constantly I ask myself if what I am doing is right.

Is it in line with God's will?

Am I acting blindly without considerations?

I don't really know.

What I do know however, is my prayer has been answered.

And whatever is the outcome from it, I will praise God.

And trust in him.

That I would be sincere, and open, and BRAVE (without the stupidity).

I admit that I have never cried with such sorrow till I knew You.

Lord Jesus, guide me.

Doubt

Sometimes late at night I wonder to myself if a lasting relationship is possible for me.

And at the back of my mind, the word is "no."

-

No, stop bluffing yourself cos you will never be able to move forward and you will just be as you are and you can never ever make things work cos you are just weird, you are a quirk, you dont fit with others, you dont make sense.

People may find you funny, or interesting, or a breath of fresh air, but you are a novelty and once people get sick of you and your ways then that is it, your luck is over and that is that.

So stop hoping for something to happen because it is pointless.

-

And God sends someone to remind me again...

"Doubt your doubt, before you doubt your beliefs."

And suddenly, I am saved.

-

Most times, I am clear and certain on what I want.

However, I've come to believe that it is those things which make me uncertain, that are most important.

Hi. I am a survivor from among millions of other contenders. I am the strongest out of my pack.

And so are you.

You out-lasted and succeeded where those millions have failed in life.

Don't you see? In your Mother's womb, you survived where they did not. You were the strongest, the best out of them. Out of millions, you were chosen.

So live your life full, as you were meant to.

Something is wrong with me.

I wake up and I feel...happy.

It's similar to the feeling of waking up to a lovely dream. But unlike in the past, I don't feel cheated. I don't feel like its a big joke.

There is some kind of excitement within me. It gives me some sort of energy, that I can do things. Like there's some promise to the future.

I hope this isn't just some passing sensation thats caused by superficial events.