Dear God, give me the strength to love and the courage to act.

Dear Santa.

This Christmas, I would like a zombie for a pet.

Dont worry Santa, it'll be safe. I'll cut its arms off, and remove all its teeth, and maybe its lower jaw too.

I'll take care of it. I'll feed it kittens, and maybe hamsters too.

I'll bring it out for walks and maybe feed it a punk or two.

So please Santa. Can I have a zombie pet, please?

Silence is a true friend who never betrays.

-Confucius

Loneliness grips me.

This night I feel like I want her to haunt me again.

And yet the feeling hits that it will never happen that way again. Not in the same way I let it wash over me in the past.

It is that nostalgia, that reminder of the past that floated by like a whiff of perfume and bam! - the memories come back.

But I am stronger now.

This is the first time in a long time I really feel like telling someone "I will miss you" and yet not be able to say it.

Semesterstone

Am done with my first major milestone of my first year in Lasalle.

Finished with the summative feedback, where they grade each students progress throughout the first semester after looking through our project works and journaling.

Honestly, my course in Lasalle is a lot more 'chill' than my course in Temasek. I feel like I have so much more free time. Or maybe now it could be that I am just more efficient, with me being done with 3 years of design school and 2 years of army discipline.

So, I feel like I am really slack. But the grades I got were not bad.

I got a "Good" grade for my project works as well as for my Creative Process Journaling.

A "Good" grade is sort of the grade to say "you are doing pretty alright, maintain this. but there are ways you can improve yourself", while a grade lower (satisfactory) would be to say "okay you made it, but you are at the borderline". Why borderline? Because lower than satisfactory is the "Unsatisfactory" grade, which is literally labeled with fine print at the bottom with the words: "Redeemable fail".

I expected myself to get what I did. Because any lower and that would not be justice for the effort and quality of work I know I put in. Any higher, and that would be injustice for all the things I did not do or was too lazy to make it into an excellent piece of work.

The lecturers were fair, thorough, and they knew what the students were doing, and more importantly, trying to do with their work.

I appreciate how the lecturers do not look at just the end result. The process from start to finish is just as important, if not more so than just the finish, when it came to the grading. I cannot be entirely certain that they remember every students work but it definitely feels that way - that they follow and know their students work individually.

Now after grading, the task is to keep in mind their suggested ways of improving my work and look forward to the next semester of school.

I have no more classes till the 10th of January. That is about 2 months of holidays. I have not had such a long break ever since... Well, ever since I enlisted into the army! Really, I am not certain what I am doing to do for 2 months.

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Thank God for the skills and talents that he has gifted me. Let it be a constant reminder that without Him, I have nothing, and so I should be humble and never boast of these gifts.

Let it also be a constant reminder that my actions are accountable. I am a helper of my fellow man, and though I may be lacking or unaware at times, may I continue to improve myself and continue to assist and be a friend to those in need. Forgive me for the times where I did not do so, for the times I thought of just myself.

Once again, I thank God for all the things which have happened and are yet to happen, regardless of whatever awaits.

NOT DEAD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

This blog is under the blogspot domain.

Yes. Blogspot.

I know, I know...Blogspot is so 2006. Not cool like tumblr. *snort*

And...

I know, I know, I haven't written anything worth reading in a long time.

Well when I was in the army, I kept all my thoughts and feelings by journaling in a Little Black Book.

It was nice, to sit down and collect my thoughts and channel them unto a medium of ink and fibre.

But now that I am out of the army, my goodness, I havent even opened that LBB since late august.

Because...Army gave me lots of time to sit down and do nothing.

So do I mean I do not have enough time now that I am out? Definitely not! But don't you know there are so many better distractions??

Well, the chaotic and tumultuous world of being a civilian isn't as PEACEFUL as the army my dear readers! (Oh the irony!)

So like times before, I happen to read through the history of my dear old and dreadfully out-of-style blog, I get that feeling of nostalgia once again (such a troublesome emotion don't you agree?). So here I am. Typing away.

So.

How have you been lately?

-I've been bloody damned lazy.

What ya been up to since leaving the army?

-In LASALLE now. 3 years to go.

How is school?

-School is alright. Learning lots of new things which I am really enjoying. But damn I am so lazy and that complicates things.

What are you studying now?

-Study...? That word sounds familiar, I think I heard some sad sap mentioning it together with that other word...what was it...EXAMS??

Okay fine, what are you doing in school then?

-Design Communication. Basically, to communicate through design. I know, so deep right? Mmm

Any hot designer chicks?

-Haiz. You sad business/engineering/science students. But seriously, there are some freaky looking posers. I mean...fashionably confident people. Yeah.

Any hot designer guys?

- Are you flirting with me? *Gets stabbed in the eye*

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Okay, I think that's enough for now. Till next time.

My love for you is like a romantic ballad. It would last 3 minutes.

I have time for all things, except hard work.

ORD LO, YOU MOTHERS!

Ahem. I meant to say, I have finished my service. Cheerio to you and have a good day.

Good manners ftw.

If I am a good man, I will stay away from her.

If she is a good woman, she will ignore me.

It is difficult to be good.

God, save me from myself and guide me!

The Troublesomely Fond Past

The truth is, the memories will always be with me.

And I will keep resisting some, simply because I have to.

And I will always embrace some, simply because I cannot not.


Its amazing how i have only 1 life and in this 1 life of mine, these other peoples with their likewise singular existence have affected me eternally forever and ever till the day I pass and beyond.

And I will never forget; I cannot.


The boys, as we were.

The girls, as I thought I knew.


The young men who were far from men.

The young ladies who confused me.


In another 5 years, I wonder.

The kind of madness that does not delight in itself.

It is 6.06am on a Sunday morning.
I will have to book in by night time.
I am going to sleep till noon.
I have no intention of going for Mass.
I only have the intention of meeting people. Tangible people. Something I can comprehend. Something that does not have to be omni-potently uncomprehendable.



People ask me how I've been doing. But the gritty, dark details are not what they want to know. They would not sit with me and ask of such. Most people dont give a damn. I wonder why we ask each other when we dont really want to know. What an odd and strangely distant way of showing concern.



It is nights like these that are worst when one headily dives into. And this night, I shall, and I have. The kind of madness that maddens me so and yet I keep calm and steady in my seat. And steady as I sit with feet not still, within me things are brewing but without a flame. A feeling that sickens and beckons me alike.



The lengthy longings are slaying me and they keep me alive. A most unpleasent sensation. These eyes they wander and the mind wanders with them to somewhere distant far off this reality. To long for and wish to receive, knowing I will not receive, only wishing I could deceive deceive deceive myself into believing that I would and could have some sort of COMPANY. Maybe, perhaps, tis simply not more than the deep desperation of the the fairer company? I know for naught and I dare not know.



It is 6.35am on a Sunday morning.

And I am done with todays darkness.