Loneliness grips me.

This night I feel like I want her to haunt me again.

And yet the feeling hits that it will never happen that way again. Not in the same way I let it wash over me in the past.

It is that nostalgia, that reminder of the past that floated by like a whiff of perfume and bam! - the memories come back.

But I am stronger now.

This is the first time in a long time I really feel like telling someone "I will miss you" and yet not be able to say it.

Semesterstone

Am done with my first major milestone of my first year in Lasalle.

Finished with the summative feedback, where they grade each students progress throughout the first semester after looking through our project works and journaling.

Honestly, my course in Lasalle is a lot more 'chill' than my course in Temasek. I feel like I have so much more free time. Or maybe now it could be that I am just more efficient, with me being done with 3 years of design school and 2 years of army discipline.

So, I feel like I am really slack. But the grades I got were not bad.

I got a "Good" grade for my project works as well as for my Creative Process Journaling.

A "Good" grade is sort of the grade to say "you are doing pretty alright, maintain this. but there are ways you can improve yourself", while a grade lower (satisfactory) would be to say "okay you made it, but you are at the borderline". Why borderline? Because lower than satisfactory is the "Unsatisfactory" grade, which is literally labeled with fine print at the bottom with the words: "Redeemable fail".

I expected myself to get what I did. Because any lower and that would not be justice for the effort and quality of work I know I put in. Any higher, and that would be injustice for all the things I did not do or was too lazy to make it into an excellent piece of work.

The lecturers were fair, thorough, and they knew what the students were doing, and more importantly, trying to do with their work.

I appreciate how the lecturers do not look at just the end result. The process from start to finish is just as important, if not more so than just the finish, when it came to the grading. I cannot be entirely certain that they remember every students work but it definitely feels that way - that they follow and know their students work individually.

Now after grading, the task is to keep in mind their suggested ways of improving my work and look forward to the next semester of school.

I have no more classes till the 10th of January. That is about 2 months of holidays. I have not had such a long break ever since... Well, ever since I enlisted into the army! Really, I am not certain what I am doing to do for 2 months.

-------

Thank God for the skills and talents that he has gifted me. Let it be a constant reminder that without Him, I have nothing, and so I should be humble and never boast of these gifts.

Let it also be a constant reminder that my actions are accountable. I am a helper of my fellow man, and though I may be lacking or unaware at times, may I continue to improve myself and continue to assist and be a friend to those in need. Forgive me for the times where I did not do so, for the times I thought of just myself.

Once again, I thank God for all the things which have happened and are yet to happen, regardless of whatever awaits.

NOT DEAD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

This blog is under the blogspot domain.

Yes. Blogspot.

I know, I know...Blogspot is so 2006. Not cool like tumblr. *snort*

And...

I know, I know, I haven't written anything worth reading in a long time.

Well when I was in the army, I kept all my thoughts and feelings by journaling in a Little Black Book.

It was nice, to sit down and collect my thoughts and channel them unto a medium of ink and fibre.

But now that I am out of the army, my goodness, I havent even opened that LBB since late august.

Because...Army gave me lots of time to sit down and do nothing.

So do I mean I do not have enough time now that I am out? Definitely not! But don't you know there are so many better distractions??

Well, the chaotic and tumultuous world of being a civilian isn't as PEACEFUL as the army my dear readers! (Oh the irony!)

So like times before, I happen to read through the history of my dear old and dreadfully out-of-style blog, I get that feeling of nostalgia once again (such a troublesome emotion don't you agree?). So here I am. Typing away.

So.

How have you been lately?

-I've been bloody damned lazy.

What ya been up to since leaving the army?

-In LASALLE now. 3 years to go.

How is school?

-School is alright. Learning lots of new things which I am really enjoying. But damn I am so lazy and that complicates things.

What are you studying now?

-Study...? That word sounds familiar, I think I heard some sad sap mentioning it together with that other word...what was it...EXAMS??

Okay fine, what are you doing in school then?

-Design Communication. Basically, to communicate through design. I know, so deep right? Mmm

Any hot designer chicks?

-Haiz. You sad business/engineering/science students. But seriously, there are some freaky looking posers. I mean...fashionably confident people. Yeah.

Any hot designer guys?

- Are you flirting with me? *Gets stabbed in the eye*

---

Okay, I think that's enough for now. Till next time.

My love for you is like a romantic ballad. It would last 3 minutes.

I have time for all things, except hard work.

ORD LO, YOU MOTHERS!

Ahem. I meant to say, I have finished my service. Cheerio to you and have a good day.

Good manners ftw.

If I am a good man, I will stay away from her.

If she is a good woman, she will ignore me.

It is difficult to be good.

God, save me from myself and guide me!

The Troublesomely Fond Past

The truth is, the memories will always be with me.

And I will keep resisting some, simply because I have to.

And I will always embrace some, simply because I cannot not.


Its amazing how i have only 1 life and in this 1 life of mine, these other peoples with their likewise singular existence have affected me eternally forever and ever till the day I pass and beyond.

And I will never forget; I cannot.


The boys, as we were.

The girls, as I thought I knew.


The young men who were far from men.

The young ladies who confused me.


In another 5 years, I wonder.

The kind of madness that does not delight in itself.

It is 6.06am on a Sunday morning.
I will have to book in by night time.
I am going to sleep till noon.
I have no intention of going for Mass.
I only have the intention of meeting people. Tangible people. Something I can comprehend. Something that does not have to be omni-potently uncomprehendable.



People ask me how I've been doing. But the gritty, dark details are not what they want to know. They would not sit with me and ask of such. Most people dont give a damn. I wonder why we ask each other when we dont really want to know. What an odd and strangely distant way of showing concern.



It is nights like these that are worst when one headily dives into. And this night, I shall, and I have. The kind of madness that maddens me so and yet I keep calm and steady in my seat. And steady as I sit with feet not still, within me things are brewing but without a flame. A feeling that sickens and beckons me alike.



The lengthy longings are slaying me and they keep me alive. A most unpleasent sensation. These eyes they wander and the mind wanders with them to somewhere distant far off this reality. To long for and wish to receive, knowing I will not receive, only wishing I could deceive deceive deceive myself into believing that I would and could have some sort of COMPANY. Maybe, perhaps, tis simply not more than the deep desperation of the the fairer company? I know for naught and I dare not know.



It is 6.35am on a Sunday morning.

And I am done with todays darkness.

How are you?!

"EY VIC! Long time! How are you?!"

*faint smile* "Uh...not sure really"

"HAHAHA what kind of answer is that???"

"Well im not sure how i feel so, im not sure"

"Err dude...chill leh hahaha, just a question!"

"Well then whats the point if I give a typical answer??"

"Eh...okay lah riiight"

"Uh huh...missed you guys alot"

" Oh thanx"
*pat on the shoulder*

*silence*

As tough as wet cardboard

3 days ago on Tuesday, was the first time I have ever been in a fight. A physical one involving beating up my opponent with a pugil stick (google it).

Okay, I should correct myself. It's not really a fight. It's sparring. Between my army buddy and me.

But still, it was the first time I ever threw myself (literally) at someone to smash and bash his head in.

Here is what I learnt.

Watching boxing and martial arts matches can be fun. And the athletes in them can go on fighting for quite a few minutes each match without throwing in the towel.

But 30 seconds swinging that bloody bolster of a stick was tough work! In fact I felt it felt equivalent to sprinting 100 metres with weights on my body.

By 1m30secs, I was completely winded. If you know what SOC is, it felt like I had just finished running through it. Could barely even hold my stance.

I admit, fighting my buddy was not as tough as it could have been because well...my buddy is an extremely nice fellow. He probably cannot even bear to give me a full swing of the stick despite donning thick body and head padding. So I pretty much owned him, and I am told I was really aggressive. (To make up for my otherwise normally passive state.)

I actually thought I was NOT BAD.
-

Then come to Wednesday, the 2nd time I had a sparring match.

I fought against another friend of mine. And he was alot more aggressive and powerful than my previous day opponent.

To cut it short, I pretty much got owned. It was also the first time I got smacked straight in the head so forcefully before. I made me recall how in boxing, a good solid blow to the head could knock someone flat on the mat. I could literally feel my head spin for a split second before snapping back to reality.

And worst of all, by the 1m30sec mark, I could not breath well. I could not even hold up my posture. I felt like my body was about to give way. I cannot be sure why...perhaps it was the blow to the head so early in the match, or perhaps it was the diarrhoea I had in in the morning (the fight was near 2pm), or perhaps I was exerting too much.

My partner was merciful to me. He stopped attacking when he saw I was breathless. He waited for me to recover before striking again. He constantly asked during the fight if I was alright (something was definitely wrong with me).

I got trashed. It did not matter how aggressive I was; My whole body felt weak.

More importantly it left in me another feeling. A much deeper one, not ending with my body. I was not sure what this feeling was but I was quite silent for the rest of the lesson.
-

Thursday, I woke and I recalled the fight. Recalled that feeling I had after the match.

Suddenly, I realised what it was. It was the feeling of humility in defeat. It was also the feeling of respect for the person who had bested me. I could not understand why I should have felt that way over a simple and otherwise meaningless duel.

But the fact remains, like I said. I felt it. And I could only obey that feeling.

I could only comply that I am indeed weak.
-

It made me wonder.

What could defeat mean to a man, that it could have such a profound impact?
-

Had I not been beaten, I would probably have thought myself an even better fighter than before.

In this way, defeat can be a good thing for the soul of a man.

Sunshine

I am already 20.

Going to 21 soon. (hint hint people, hehe!)

I was thinking to myself: should I really still be typing out such "emo" and weepy entries and publishing it as and when I feel down?

I am already passed by teens, that kind of thing, to me has always been what punk ass teens do. And yet actually, I am no better then that.

No doubt age is a number that should not define me, I still cannot help but feel I ought to "grow up".

I guess its inevitable for someone like me who puts much importance on my emotions, but its unbalanced. I often just write rather dark entries, and it is all leaning to one side. Its all really quite dreary and I can feel it.


This place needs a little more sunshine hmm.


And lastly.

Don't forget my birthday!

XD

To find...Longing and Loneliness

To find joy in
Longing and Loneliness.
-

I once stated before a fact, though I do not think many of my friends know, that I enjoy the bits of sorrow in life that come and go.

It is odd in a way, how it does feel rather "emo" and depressing, and yet, I feel a certain belonging to it. I cannot describe it; it is rather like a love-hate relationship.

I sometimes wish I could be rid of it and perhaps feel more numb for sometimes, emotions can be so overwhelming. At the same time, I feel like I could barely want it to leave me for it is this intensity that gives life.



In the mean time, I try to suppress these emotions. They just do not help now and in fact they kind of hurt.

To be a hallowed shell. It is such a sin of wasting what is given to me, but I can barely stand it now.

Phantom

Like a haunting spirit, these blasted thoughts of relationships.

Its ticking me off.

Surging...Emptiness

Surging emotions, poured into a jar of emptiness.

Where do these feelings start and where do they end?

-

I am brought on a journey, and abruptly, I am dropped off.

No where near the supposed destination, I wander in confusion.

The path seems familiar but I can't find my way.

I try to walk, but as I do, I cannot feel myself moving.

I try to run, and I fall to the floor.

"What now?", I think to myself...

I pick myself up, and I just have to keep walking.

Till I get back to where I left off.

-

Departure

Conscript W X GOH is departing for Thailand, on the night of 230408, 2145hrs*.

- Sayok, Kachanaburi province, some 170 kiolometres west of Bangkok, Thailand. -

He will be participating in Exercise: Crescendo for 3 weeks and will be returning from Thailand to Singapore on the morning of 170508, 0115hrs* .

* (time information only accurate in accordance to the memory of author)

The temperature will be estimated at 40-45 degrees Celcius.

-

Hello all. As the statement above goes, I am going to Thailand for 3 weeks.

It will be very, very hot.

And I can feel myself missing home already.

Hope everything will be fine over there, and that I'll be too occupied to think of all the people and places in Singapore!

To all those who believe in God or similar, do pray for the safety of all the soldiers.

-

Till next we meet =)