Doubt

Sometimes late at night I wonder to myself if a lasting relationship is possible for me.

And at the back of my mind, the word is "no."

-

No, stop bluffing yourself cos you will never be able to move forward and you will just be as you are and you can never ever make things work cos you are just weird, you are a quirk, you dont fit with others, you dont make sense.

People may find you funny, or interesting, or a breath of fresh air, but you are a novelty and once people get sick of you and your ways then that is it, your luck is over and that is that.

So stop hoping for something to happen because it is pointless.

-

And God sends someone to remind me again...

"Doubt your doubt, before you doubt your beliefs."

And suddenly, I am saved.

-

To find...Longing and Loneliness

To find joy in
Longing and Loneliness.
-

I once stated before a fact, though I do not think many of my friends know, that I enjoy the bits of sorrow in life that come and go.

It is odd in a way, how it does feel rather "emo" and depressing, and yet, I feel a certain belonging to it. I cannot describe it; it is rather like a love-hate relationship.

I sometimes wish I could be rid of it and perhaps feel more numb for sometimes, emotions can be so overwhelming. At the same time, I feel like I could barely want it to leave me for it is this intensity that gives life.



In the mean time, I try to suppress these emotions. They just do not help now and in fact they kind of hurt.

To be a hallowed shell. It is such a sin of wasting what is given to me, but I can barely stand it now.

Aftertaste

There was a certain girl in my life.


She was


Complex.

Dark.

Emotional.

Pessimistic.

Mysterious.

Poetic.

Artistic.

Cold.

Playful.


Always a Tease.

Full of Fear.

Composed and controlled.
& yet
Full of Strife.

Fiercely Independent

Obstinately opinionated.

Uncaring of her Lover.



A Catholic
who embraced
sorrow,
and invited
death.


one who kept me captive in my own prison,
whom i threw the key away for.

one who made me apprehend to utter the word,
"LOVE".

-

I have moved on, and yet I have not.

She lingers, but only in my mind.

-

It leaves a bad taste.

And it persists after.


But Somehow...


It cannot be washed off.

And yet it does not seem so bad then.

-

Pass me the Listerine, Extra Strong.

Dear God.

Dear God, let my actions be directed by You. Let me be an intrument of Your love and grace.

Remind me what is real love and what is fleeting attraction. Never let me confuse the two.

Show me how to love others as You have loved me.

Help me remember that it is Your love I should seek.


Make me genuine. Make me loving. Make me wise.

Let me not be a fool to my emotions, instead, for my mind to be clear as the morning sun.

Let not the darkness of the night influence me, and keep my thoughts far from sorrow.


For everything not within my control, give me the wisdom to trust in You.

For anything my mind is muddled with, give me the clarity to discern.

For every hardship faced, give me the strength to endure.


Lord I ask these things of You for I know You are a God of greatness. In Your power and might all things are possible.

I humbly seek you for I know I am weak and foolish. Help me your servant to overcome my failings with Your Spirit.

Guide me through and show me the right path.


This I pray to You, Lord God Almighty.

Amen.

The Developed Phobia

What matters to me now is not whom I may have feelings for.

What matters to me now is that I am fearful of having such feelings.

I am afraid of loving, of showing my affections to others. I fear for what may happen and I fear for what I may lose.

And most of all, I fear my love is distorted, that it is only superficial.

-

It truly is odd, how I crave for love even though I do not dare to love.

It truly is odd, how I ask for love when I know God already loves me dearly. How I ask for having somebody in my life when I ought to know that loving God should be enough.

Sometimes I just feel like I ought to be celibate. Without a partner in my life, just serving God till the end of my days. But I know I am simply running away from my fear.


And that changes everything.

Scream

It is screaming, but it is silent.

Back

Hi all, I'm back.

The trip was good and bad. But i dont feel like typing the whole thing out. Its really good...and bad.

In some ways I regret going actually.

I actually feel spiritually weaker then before I left.

I dunno what to say, and not just literally. In my heart, I feel an incapablity to express and to dig deeper into my depths. Ive felt like this since coming back back. It just feels like the past 2 weeks have made me...distant. To myself even.

I can barely hear my heart speak to me. Suddenly I realise. It was always God that spoke to me through my heart. It feels like i have a wall around me, like I just dont want to hear.

I feel like running away, and at the same time I feel like rushing forward very fast.

I feel numb and at the same time I feel aware.

I feel confused and at the same time I am sure of my duties.


I need to get back to how I was.