Aftertaste

There was a certain girl in my life.


She was


Complex.

Dark.

Emotional.

Pessimistic.

Mysterious.

Poetic.

Artistic.

Cold.

Playful.


Always a Tease.

Full of Fear.

Composed and controlled.
& yet
Full of Strife.

Fiercely Independent

Obstinately opinionated.

Uncaring of her Lover.



A Catholic
who embraced
sorrow,
and invited
death.


one who kept me captive in my own prison,
whom i threw the key away for.

one who made me apprehend to utter the word,
"LOVE".

-

I have moved on, and yet I have not.

She lingers, but only in my mind.

-

It leaves a bad taste.

And it persists after.


But Somehow...


It cannot be washed off.

And yet it does not seem so bad then.

-

Pass me the Listerine, Extra Strong.

Not-so-sweet dreams.

It seems that every night I spend at home is the saddest night of the week.

When sweet dreams are dreamt, I find myself waking only to bitterness and sorrow.

I would lie awake feeling cheated and anguished and yet confused as to why.


Its really an irony the way this works.

Deprived

I'm beginning to feel extremely deprived.

Of what?

Of having a proper lifestyle.

I spend my weekdays in the army.

And every weekend I go home with nothing much to look forward to, usually with no plans whatsoever.

Then I book into my army camp again on Sunday.


I should do something about this...

Hopefully I'm not too lazy to bother...

Man of extinction

What does it mean to be a man in this day and age?



Sometimes I ponder upon this and really it feels like us men are no longer what we used to be.



Is chivalry truly dead in this world? (As goes the same for old feminine ways.)



Perhaps there are still remnants of these lingering, but woefully so.

That which binds and yet strengthens.

I have chains that are restraining me. These chains are what hold me back.

But at the same time, they give me strength. Strength that would otherwise be missing in my life.


Do you know what chains these are?

The Sky

I never knew the beauty of the sky, till I suffered under it.

For some strange reason the sky always looks so beautiful when I am in camp.

Year Long Reflection

Hello all.

Looking back at this year, I really don't know where to start.

So much happened!!! Now I know in a year many things can change but 2008 has really been a year of many significant things for me.

I'll list down the major happenings (that i can remember) in chronological order.

• graduating from poly.


• going on a pilgrimage to the holy land, Isreal.


• being the Quiet Time head for june YISS, My Glorious


• being a Facil for june YISS, My Glorious


• working with my admin job for 2.5 months and journeying along the way


• The major ups and downs before i enlisted


• Enlisting into the army!!!


• Suffering and enjoying the army


• Changing from a boy to a man


• Serving for dec YISS, Liberation

I really feel like I've been on a huge journey for 2008.

Just a year ago, I could not even imagine myself praying over others and being able to feel God in such an intimate and real way. I was so full of doubt over myself.

I guess it really shows, the trials that God place for us change and strengthen us. I feel like the Lord has shaped me to be someone closer to what he had intended me to be. Thinking back i really cannot ask for more. Despite all the sufferings and heartaches that 2008 has put me through...I now understand why I've been put through it all.

I'm not sure what to share in particular for the year, but I'll recap are the major lessons I've learnt. MAYBE it might prove useful to whoever is reading.

1. Relationships are not simply just for one's own satisfaction and enjoyment, but for the betterment and positive growth of both parties as well as the community they are in. If the time is not right, accept the terms and move on.


2. JOB 1:21!!!


3. Trials can be fearsome and terrible. But with every one that is overcome, a new strength is assured. e.i.: The Army...lol.


4. The will of the Lord is unfathomable to us. In times of despair and hopelessness, always remember that he has great plans. During my time in Israel, I felt lost and disillusioned. I wanted to be back home preparing for YISS and attending the spiritual prep before YISS. Not only that, I had also missed my graduation ceremony due to the pilgrimage. But after it was over, I realised that the time in Israel really thought me invaluable lessons I could never have gotten no matter how long i stayed in Singapore preparing for YISS.


5. Truth to oneself is more important than simple happiness. There was a time before i enlisted where I felt suffocated by what I felt i had to be in Amplify. It became a chore for me each week to do my duties as I felt i was simply not being myself.

Its odd in a way but I feel like I am finally LIVING the life I am supposed to live. No doubt I am still searching for who I am and what I am called to do, but it's like I know I am going the right path. A path worth going through the struggles for.

To another year, in faith

-Vic

SISPEC

Im done with my recruit phase in Tekong.

Onwards in my journey through NS - becoming a sergeant.

I've been posted to SISPEC and I have to report tommorrow morning 8am at Pasir Laba.

I live in Pasir Ris. Do you have any idea how far that is? It's REALLY far. Like one side of the island to the other.

Just hope I don't get posted into a super shiong company...PLEASE!

And even more importantly, that my buddy will not be a hopeless fella.

So far I've been lucky...lets see how it goes.



I miss all my friends. Onwards to no life baby.

The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord

Hi all.

I'm doing fine in the army. Just a few more weeks to go.

I pass out of my BMT phase on the 9th of Dec.

The only thing thats rather bothersome for me now is that loneliness settles in now and then.

Being in the army really limits the time I spend with my friends, and I also feel cut off from civilisation (literally man...).

Gotta get through this...

Next phase in life

This is it everyone.

I am finally going in to the army.

Pray for me, for I know it will be a tough ride ahead.


I ask that I have the strength to remain faithful, to love God and my fellow man.


Dear Lord, of all the gifts You have given me, I thank You most of all for my conscience, for giving me an acute understanding of morality in mine and other peoples actions.

Dear Lord, help me to overcome the feelings of disdain for my conscience due to the responsibility it brings to me. Help me to know that regardless of what happens, I should not desire the temptation of sin. Though I may be tempted, let me not desire for it.


Dear Lord,

The path ahead looks gloomy and difficult. Already, even before my enlistment, I have been dealt a heavy blow. But Lord, I want to remain steadfast in Your love. Help me to overcome my feelings of anger, of wrath, of destruction. Help me to overcome my feelings of hatred. What you have gifted unto me oh Lord, I should be ready to part with, for it was not mine but Yours.

Help me to let go...open mine eyes to Your will.

Help me to FORGIVE.

In this I pray to you Lord, Amen
-

Reset

It's time to hit the reset button.

Start over and not obey the expected.

No compromising and no fooling myself.


It's time to be completely honest.

Ignore all feelings of supposed cognition.

No assuming and no coddling about.

Dust If You Must

Dust If You Must
Author Unknown


Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Persona

What is a persona?

In latin, 'persona' literally translates as 'mask'.

In english, it is what defines a persons character; his personality.

In psychology, it is a representation that one adopts in presenting oneself to others, viable to change according to situation.

-

Love is - Part 2

Love is, enjoying your presence.

Love is - Part 1

Love is, your gentle embrace.
-

Dear God.

Dear God, let my actions be directed by You. Let me be an intrument of Your love and grace.

Remind me what is real love and what is fleeting attraction. Never let me confuse the two.

Show me how to love others as You have loved me.

Help me remember that it is Your love I should seek.


Make me genuine. Make me loving. Make me wise.

Let me not be a fool to my emotions, instead, for my mind to be clear as the morning sun.

Let not the darkness of the night influence me, and keep my thoughts far from sorrow.


For everything not within my control, give me the wisdom to trust in You.

For anything my mind is muddled with, give me the clarity to discern.

For every hardship faced, give me the strength to endure.


Lord I ask these things of You for I know You are a God of greatness. In Your power and might all things are possible.

I humbly seek you for I know I am weak and foolish. Help me your servant to overcome my failings with Your Spirit.

Guide me through and show me the right path.


This I pray to You, Lord God Almighty.

Amen.

The Developed Phobia

What matters to me now is not whom I may have feelings for.

What matters to me now is that I am fearful of having such feelings.

I am afraid of loving, of showing my affections to others. I fear for what may happen and I fear for what I may lose.

And most of all, I fear my love is distorted, that it is only superficial.

-

It truly is odd, how I crave for love even though I do not dare to love.

It truly is odd, how I ask for love when I know God already loves me dearly. How I ask for having somebody in my life when I ought to know that loving God should be enough.

Sometimes I just feel like I ought to be celibate. Without a partner in my life, just serving God till the end of my days. But I know I am simply running away from my fear.


And that changes everything.

Scream

It is screaming, but it is silent.

Back

Hi all, I'm back.

The trip was good and bad. But i dont feel like typing the whole thing out. Its really good...and bad.

In some ways I regret going actually.

I actually feel spiritually weaker then before I left.

I dunno what to say, and not just literally. In my heart, I feel an incapablity to express and to dig deeper into my depths. Ive felt like this since coming back back. It just feels like the past 2 weeks have made me...distant. To myself even.

I can barely hear my heart speak to me. Suddenly I realise. It was always God that spoke to me through my heart. It feels like i have a wall around me, like I just dont want to hear.

I feel like running away, and at the same time I feel like rushing forward very fast.

I feel numb and at the same time I feel aware.

I feel confused and at the same time I am sure of my duties.


I need to get back to how I was.