Remind

thanx to a friend of mine, i was reminded of some things regarding my personal past.

my friend didnt point anything out to me. rather, i was reminded of how things were after recieving a bit of information.

so after this small reminder, i decided to read some old texts to see what i had forgotten and which makes me so reminicient. to be precise, i check my old chatlogs.



my my...all the things ive forgiven and forgotten. its amazing, those things that happened.

but anyways, thanx to these reminders, i know now that, i shouldnt delude myself any further.



simply put.

as was, and always have been.
thats who you are indeed.

understand? :)

Love

i went out with my secondary school buddies on friday.

the brothers of my past.



it was as per normal. but only cos its normal that we have a great time.

each time when we meet. its like a reunion.

tell each other our probs. some secrets here and there.

and lots of good old insults to top it off.



what else could compare?



each time i meet them, it only reinforces the fact that no one else i know could ever compare to them.

not the slightest bit.

its not like im putting down everyone else i know. or maybe i am.

hell, i dont really care.

cos my love for them is bigger then what i can care for others.





speaking of love.

i remember i had a chat with abby. online, some months back. say maybe 7 or 8 months back.

the thing i wanted to point out at that time was that, love can exist in all levels of relationships.

even between strangers.

lemme repeat that.

even. between. strangers.



have any of you ever smiled at a stranger, just, and only, just hoping it might brighten thier day?

or speak to a waiter or cashier with sincerity and care, not just for the sake of being polite, but just cos you want to?

i dont know if any of you have done such things, or even understand the logic behind it.

some might even think those actions are simply a waste of effort. *why care for some stranger? a nobody? a person you dont care about, with nothing to connect with*



the thing is, i used to do those things back when i was in sec school. every single day if i could, i would try.

whats the reason behind those actions?

the reason is that the people around you are humans as well.

fellow humans with feelings and emotions just as needy as yours and mine. we do need love and care, all of us. not just for YOURSELF or YOUR FRIENDS. does anyone understand me here?

EVERYONE NEEDS LOVE.

and not everyone gets it.

its quite the opposite actually.

almost no one gets the love they want. not talking about sexual relationships but on all levels.

e.g.
motherly love. fatherly love. brotherly love. sisterly love. love between friends. love for a mentor. love for the fellow human. love for animals. love for nature. anything goes when it comes to love!



apparently i dont bother loving people as much as i did back then. i love people alot less now.

the reason is because. most people dont love back.

and it gets to me. im only human and as love travels, so does INDIFFERENCE.

id say that, over time, indifference got to me. the power of indifference overpowered me for sure.

let me point out clearly that this indifference is very largely from the tertiery education school i attend.

of course, im not blaming my school. no way. *TP rox.*

and nor am i blaming the people in my school.

its only natural to be indifferent in times of insecurity.

and the time it happens is right on the first day of school.

insecurity between the people u meet and interact with.

we might find a new friend fun and interesting, but beyond that, is there anything more? things like trusting and being who you are without fear of being judged. theres the insecurity right there. its onli normal. just dont let it overtake you.



what i want to say about all of this is.

love is everywhere. never look away from it, and never ever fear it.

truth. beauty. freedom. love.

im not sure why i suddenly began to write on this topic.

but i just had the feeling, i wanted to.

3 B's

the bath.

the bus.

the bed.

what is it you that u think of each of these times?

more often then not, the thoughts occuring would be the same in each given example.

this is what my lecturer, Dennis Tan, taught us PID students (though i doubt most will remember).

When are the times the mind is at ease. The places where the mind flows best.



the bath
a time for cleansing and rejuvenation.

the bus
a time when the mind lingers.

the bed
the moments before slumber, the moments after wake.



but as ive found out, the ideas will only flow if your mind is already at ease over current issues or problems.

ive also realised, the 'issue' ive been thinking each of the 3 places, has always been the same old thing, for almost a year.

Lone

siti is abroad.

theresa is abroad.

felicia liow is abroad.



no wonder i feel lonesome.

Remember

after all thats happened, being simple friends again seems impossible.

but i dont noe.

not till i try right?

how daunting.



ill be around.

whether i like it or not.

whether you need it or not.

cos i know i cant forget you.

Encounter

today, i went out for a badminton match with some of my sec school mates.

it was ok.

then we went for lunch and played pool.

then we decided to go to pasir ris

but lets skip all of that.

what i would like to express in my entry today is...the odd encounter i had with 6 coral secondary schoolgirls.



so, at pasir ris, me and my friends wanted to go to the library first.

so i hung around at the library till it was time to go.



now when i left, i saw a bunch of school girls sitting in the cafe of the library. i didnt pay much attention but i did notice 1 of them looking at me.

so of course, i just ignore. *its just a coincidence, as usual. eye contact happens unintentionally all the time* heck.

but then i glanced back to look at my friends, and THERE IT IS AGAIN. the same girl still glaring at me.

so this time, i look at her a little longer.

and her look still doesnt waver.

instead, shes talking to her friends while maintaining eye contact, and i notice heads turning my direction.



at this point i am feeling quite uncomfortable.

i tell my friend, Joel Wang, and he tells me he notices too.

and so does my other friend, Kai Lin.

but i still didnt do anything about it.

i just went off feeling damn wierd, cos they were STILL STARING AT ME with seeming amusement.



now, the library is on the 2nd highest level of whitesands shopping centre.

and the escalator down that level forces one to look straight into the cafe. unless of course u just look at your feet.

so yeah. as i went down, i tried acting normal by just looking straight. but DAMN THEY ARE STILL STARING!

so i just smile in confusion and give a body action that says *what the hell is up?!*

the girls just smile and laugh playfully. GAAAAAAAH!!!

i just felt so damn curious what the HELL was going on.




so my friends were laughing about it and telling me the possibilities of who the girls were and why they kept looking. all of the possibilities were not believeable.

and so we just keep going down till we reach the first level, outside mcdonalds.

AND IM STILL THINKING ABOUT IT.



in the end, i decided to go up and ask them why they were looking. yeah -.-

so my 2 friends, joel and kailin went up with me.

ok honestly i felt damn nervous when i was about to go confront them.

damned. nervous.

i think its cos of the fact they were a company of 6 girls while im going to have to ask them *stupidly* alone.

cos my friends were also feeling tense about it.

tense cos, the moment we enter thier view, INTENT STARING ENSUED.

damn damn damn uncomfortable.

we just talked about it with out backs facing them the whole while, feeling realli uncomfortable.

after about 3 minutes, we decided to leave.

i decided i didnt want to noe whats up with them anymore. haha!

as we were going down by the escalator again, and i looked at the girls, this time they were practically LAUGHING OUT LOUD and they were CLEARLY amused.

so i smiled a wide grin to them as well and just gave them a body action saying * THIS IS FREAKIN WIERD BUT FUNNY*



so we made our way down again, and went out seperate ways.



and u noe what i did?

i went BACK UP.

and sat at a bench below the library.

and WAITED.

thats right. i waited for those girls.

GAHAHAHAHA

i just felt like if i didnt confront them i would probrably regret it alot by night.



and the waiting paid off.

eventually they left the library and headed down.

i saw them, they saw me.

but this time, they seemed...hesitant to stare at me so close.

i was practically just a few metres from them, and it was MY TURN to stare.

maybe thats why they also began to feel uncomfortable about staring as well.

so we all headed down the escalator, with them behind me.

at the next level, i went to the side, and purposely waited. waited for them to pass by me, then i went on just very closely behind them.

stalkerish i noe, but just so i know they wont be looking at me easily. HAHA. so stupid lah

onli the girl that first stared at me stilled continued to give me eye contact.

damn i was just so...curious...does she know me somehow?!



but i didnt ask her in the end.

i just felt that...at the end when i wasclose to confronting them, i saw that...there wasnt much interest left.

it sort of died when the distance in between got too close.



i told my mom about it when i met her just some time later.

she just laughed about it.

she asked me if they were still in secondary school.

yes.

she asked me if they were giggling.

yes.



my mother concluded, the girls were just infatuated with me.

"ah u know how schoolgirls are right. *motherly smile* "

omfg......

i find that hard to believe.



if i were still in secondary school, i would probrably have agreed with my mom.

but now...i dont think that way anymore.

Stone

my heart has slowly been turned to stone.

and right now it feels like itll never go back.



but i dont know if i care.

Back to Basics

what the hell...

if im justified.

then why the fuck do i have to care?



i onli cared cos i was worried there would be further conflict.



but ya noe what.



i dont give a damn about that either.

sheesh.

Old Promise

can i still uphold that promise i made to myself so many years ago?

i am beginning to get doubtful of that.

i dont think i can uphold this sacrifice much longer.



the more i learn, the harder it gets.

TSAF

wow man.

the reply was petty fast this time.



and i thought it was over?!?



whos being sensitive?

whos the one who assumes about whether another is talking about someone?

are u telling me ur not guilty of that?



my previous post wasnt even insulting.

of course, unless typing slow backwards...


i THINK perhaps cos it seemed like i was trying to sound damn smart or something.



cmon laaaah. we both noe who we talking about right?

regardless of names or anything, u KNOW who u were refering to.

same for me yo.





if im not wrong.

the first post u wrote was on january.

i didnt realise till like febuary when LOTS of nonsense happened.

and originally i never even intended to write about u. (until u decided to strike again)

it was originally just about the general people cos of so much bullshit happening.

i didnt even noe WHO disliked me at the time.

and yet i noticed some kind of counter attack.



so being a typical moron, i struck back as well.





at least now i noe abit more of ur dislike.



i bet theres more though.

"the enemy of my enemy is my friend" non?




the entries have been amusing.

but its the same old thing.



at least someone approached me calmly to tell me my prob. thats nice of the person.

u noe who u are.



ive already told that person, i noe what my probs are.

and im gonna try and change them.

its not easy changing.

so itll take time.

but in the mean time, im not trying to be an ass, but u should change too.



like...if u had told me calmly what my prob was, that would have been a helluva lot better.

not that im in the position to JUDGE u.

its just some advice.



i hope u dont flame again cos of this.

cos that would be just sad.



and...wtf kinda trophy is THAT?!?!?!

0_O

WOLS

she sure took some time to find out/reply to me.

im SLIGHTLY disapointed though.

but at the same time, quite at ease over it.



btw. please dont kiss my ass. thanx.

Conflict

i think i like blog conflicts too much...

they excite me ya noe?!

i get that sense of adrenaline everytime i see that oppurtunity

seriously.

i find it damn fun

as long as its not about political stuff.



i think im pretty twisted.



but on the other hand, my better self is telling me not to be an idiot like them and just ignore them.

haiz.

Break

bashing in blogs.

what happened to the good old days of plain and civilised confrontations?



well, maybe thats what blogs are for.

didnt noe there was such a day for mushrooms though =)



thank goodness for the school break.



p.s.: hello pei huan XD

Chaos

Chaos

When the chaos hath come,
witness its wrath,
behold its nature,

for you shall so be struck by it,
that your knees will weaken,
and your resolve will shaken.

But with its passing,
be thankful of your survive,
for so attained you have,

the true nature of those,
filled with scorn,
filled with betrayal.

Learn from the chaos,
and it shall serve you,
to so never be fallen again.

-Victor Goh



let this be a message to the fallen survived.

My roots

it seems im particularly pissed this night.

mmm.



but its ok.

itll be over once the day is come and gone again.

cos by then, none of u will hear from me.

peace.

Diss-Like

just to make it clear.

i dislike noisy people.

i dont necessarily hate NOISE itself.

cos noise happens all the time. (esp in PID)



but people who constantly wanna produce noise pollution excessively...

its irritating lah.

so lemme be more specific.



I dislike it when people make noise for no good reason, too much, and at the wrong times.



ANOTHER THING

i realise theres so much of talking behind peoples backs.

(is it cos we are PID?)

ok. that is inevitable.

in fact, its part of human behaviour.



but i think.

people who take it too far.

with insults.

and unnecessary bullshit.

should try to tone it down.

and tolerate abit.



cos i realise...im becoming worse and worse as time goes by.

...it seems the people around me are the ones insulting alot as well.

perhaps im being influenced somehow...?



and...i do noe some people dislike me.

thats for sure.

but then from what ive experienced...it seems these people are just...morons as well.

sad fact.

Help Abuse

theres one thing i learnt during my sec school days.

dont help people too much.

ESPECIALLY those who ur not close with.



why?

because U WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

that is always the case.



onli ur truly good friends will noe that u are not thier slave.

A TRUE FRIEND SHOULD RELY ON THEMSELVES FIRST, BEFORE SEEKING HELP WITH WORK.

that is the thing i wish to convey.



if u are one of those who always seek help.

then just ask what u need.

things like ADVICE. or maybe just abit of help.

if u cant do it, then make it up to the person.

"Forgetting one's debts is the greatest crime a person can commit."
- Simón Bolívar (1783-1830)



to all those who feel they have been used, or abused, by others for help,

just remember.

HELPING IS GOOD. u have been a good person. i respect all of u for that. those who dont are onli fools.



HELPING TOO MUCH IS HARMFUL.

helping people when they need it is good.

but did u noe.

when u assist people past where they need, U ARE HARMING YOURSELF AS WELL AS THEM.

by doing so, ur help will be harm instead.

because by helping them, u are making them weaker and more dependant.

onli help them to the point where they NEED.

anything more will cause harm.

if u refuse and they scorn at u, then let it be, because by doing so, u have helped them beyond thier understanding.

peace everyone.

Amiss

my torchlight project is finally done and over.

the critique was damn nerve wrecking.

today was actually pretty fun.



and yet, now, i feel like something is amiss.

something i cant quite put a finger on.

is it because its valentines tmrw?



i doubt it =)

i am twisted.

blood blood blood.

could i make a torchlight that runs on blood.

that would be sweet. and abit salty.

mmm.

with love, the cynic.

Essence

tonight is another on of those nights.



for those who dont noe, during certain nights, i feel an extreme sense of loneliness and sorrow out of no where.



well...im kinda used to it.

but it still affects me abit ya noe.

and sometimes i kinda like that feeling of sorrow.

theres substance in it thats different from fleeting happiness.

the essence of sorrow thats within me, i truly do appreciate it.



on a side note, saturday i had freakin high libido.

but today (sunday), its pretty damn low.

huge change. lol.



and on a more...irritable and desperate note.

FUCK TORCHLIGHTS!!! GAAAAH

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