Kamikaze

i dread school now.

thanx to block teaching.



i used to love school.

even when it was tough.

cos there was such a thing as being human and having a break witout worry.

it was fun to work hard and have that well earned break at the end of each assignment/project.

even if we had to rush like crazies at the end of each sem,

IT. WAS. FUN.



now, i live through school to be a robot, when even relaxing is stressful.

to not have a moments freedom in my life other then school projects.

and when the work haunts me every moment, even when im slacking.

is this realli the life meant for every TDS designer?



i no longer feel like i have a proper life for myself anymore.

its onli school or the bed.



me and my PID mates stay in school 12 to 14hrs a day.

i sleep 5 hrs a day. and the rest sleep just as little as me or even worse sometimes.

the work is just constantly pounding the reminder that our deadline is DREADFULLY near.

we think logically, adding up what we have to do, how long will we take.

so far, everyone ive talked to doubts they can finish everything in time.



guess its just going to be another embarrassment to the standard of our work when we show our half done jobs.

and when the marks are moderated to suit the standard of our overall batch, if EVERYONE does a shit job, everyone STILL passes.

hows thats for pathetic?

sometimes i wonder if the path i chose was the correct one.



the decision to go into PID.



wonder if i can make it.

just charge!

about 1 week left. i want to state my mind of the final crit.





block teaching should not be used as an excuse for lousy work.

why waste energy talking about block teaching when we cant do anything about it.

just chiong and show our power. lets be strong!

its such a shame to our skills as designers if we cant be strong-willed. dont u think so?

for those who can still remember last fridays interim critique debrief, do any of u feel ashamed?

especially the comments from the ex-students.

its all about ur passion and will.

a lecturer said, its about 2 things. thinking skills and technical skills.

i believe hard work can make up for lack of inborn skill. and if ur not passionate enough for hardwork, then death awaits u.





whats wrong with other people being stressed? sure, people being overly stressed might affect others. but so what?

the point is NOT to let urself get stressed by external factors, especially from other stressed people.

being stress does not mean one is passionate in work, it just means one is unsure of his planning (which is pretty normal).

all we need to do is plan our future well and be flexible to changes on the go. everything should be handled calmly.





so.

lets all charge together!

Sweet Alias Death

Alias.

not the tv show.

im talking about the computer company that deals out software for professional commercial use on the computer *duh*.

ill be refering to a specific software of thiers named StudioTools (which if im not wrong, they bought over from another company). its used to make 3d models with very realistic effects. ever seen those ipod advertisements? or nokia handphone models? all done by Alias StudioTools.

the thing is, its starting to piss me off.

why.

1. Because the software can hang on u at any given moment, regardless of logical factors.

2. Because there is onli 28 or so licenses that the WHOLE *BLEEPIN* DESIGN SCHOOL can use at ANY given time or computer lab. thus, if 28 people are using the software already, no more then that will be able to use it.

3. about 70 to 80 PID 2nd years are using it NONSTOP during school hours to finish thier project. 70 to 80 people. remember reason 2.? 28 licenses?

4. since the license is so limited, people 'book' the licenses - first come first serve - and use it for DAYS ON END witout ever, ever unlocking the comp for others. i have seen the same comp locked by some people for a week already. this makes it all the more fustrating as the licenses used are LOCKED by others inside thier comps even when they are away or not using.

5. for those who dont noe, when u 'render' the model to make to make it look realistic, each time, it takes about 1 to 2hrs or so (some even 4hrs). and many, MANY times, the rendering is not what u want it to look like. this makes for an immense waste of time and productivity WAITING for the rendering to be done.

6. we onli have 1 week due to submission each time. thats onli assuming u dont take any breaks. and we have to print out the finished image on a board, and do a journal that explains the steps 1 by 1, with pictures of the steps given. this means a printscreen image every step of the way. it bloody pisses me off.

yes.

people can get in quarrels because of the tension.

the reason for this is, everyone else is DEFINITELY your competition in this.

if it wasnt obvious before, now its worse because this time, whoever BOOKS the comp first finishes the work. and since EVERYBODY is locking thier comps, no one gets to use it other then the BOOKERS. 28 people at any given time. 70 to 80 people in need of it desperately.

that leaves 48 to 58 PID year 2's desperatly trying to finish thier work but not being able to.

so what do they do?

some resort to begging those who have license.

some resort to restarting locked computers.

some just wait till a user leaves and asks if they can use. mind u, this waiting can take HOURS.

wadever it is, it is terrible and there is alot of stress and tension in the already cold air of the computer lab.

and buying more licenses has apparently been refused.

buying more licenses would resolve it but it seems thats not going to happen.

Battle Royale anyone?

Angel Redemption

another thing.

ive started doing a personal project of my own.

its related to a request my friend ivan gave me.

the title i give it is Angel Redemption.

itll probraby be done by end of august if i have no time thanx to my school projects.

ill keep the subject updated.

Ex.

though i didnt do much today, it still turned out quite eventful.

so for the first time in a long time, ill write this entry like a story about my day. (it will be a fucking. long. entry)

today is monday. i awoke at 7am to the sound of the home phone ringing away. though i can remember it rang for onli 3 times max, it still pissed the hell outta me. being too damned tired to give a fuck, i just kept my yes closed and hope, HOPED it would stop soon. and it did. my mom was awake at the time, probrably thanx to the ringing as well, and she ended my torment quick. mother noes best i say.

so since the sound ended, i continued sleeping. till say 10am.

i was supposed to awake at 8.30am. but i was seriously just so tired. u noe what i mean right? so tired till u cant freakin bear to get up, the most ull just look at the time and groan in silence in ur bed, half awake. yeah, THAT kind of tired.

but in the end i did it. cos i knew i had work to do. and places to go.

for u see, today, i was going to buy a book.

its a book that has lots of pretty pictures, and im not not talking about FHM or Maxim. its a sort of graphic illustration book by Imaginary Friends Studios.

but i had to take a long bus ride to East Coast Road just to buy it. damn! the bus ride took me about 50 min. and i still had to go school and do my shit project (fucking automata). but i wanted to get the book asap so i didnt have to make the trip when my work was even more piled up.

so anyways, when i got to the location (which took abit of time mind u), i saw that the studio was in a rather hard to find and reach place. i was told to call when i was approaching the studio by the supposed secretary when i made the appointment. but the number kept dialing at busy, so i decided to just go on ahead. it was on the 2nd level of one of those revamped chinese shop houses. and the studio, which was freakin quiet, allowed no shoes in. it was abit uncomfortable as i felt like a total intruder. but damn..the digital artists skills are amazing. fantastic. i hope to reach thier standard one day.

but nvrm about all that! all that didnt give me much of an impact. except for 1 thing.

the supposed secretary, Rita. shes chinese. what a unique name eh?

the thing is, okok...i found her rather cute. shes the shy and demure type, and shes working around all these guys and its just freakin quiet. it was like just me, and her, who were looking at each other, and a bunch of guys drawing. it was kinda awkward cos i couldnt even talk witout feeling like everone could hear us. but the way she looked at me...maybe its just my imagination or something but she stared it me with curiousity. must be something wrong with my face eh. so after i bought the book i just left. as i walked off and couldnt help thinking shes a pretty cute girl. heh.

then i had to take the same freakin bus all the way back to where i came from, Pasir Ris. another freakin 50min WASTED! dammit! by the time i took bus 15 from pasir ris interchange and reached school, i was 2pm. i was planning to reach school by 12 or 1. gah.

so i did my work, which was pitiful cos i had no material to do much of anything. i pretty much used my time planning what to do and how to do it, with just abit of real work done.

before i knew it, the workshop was time to close. 5.30pm.

nothing much happened then. went home at 7pm+.

now heres another thing that was pretty eventful though its pretty much nothing as well.

while waiting for my bus, i saw Vanessa.

not the PID one...and not my secondary school mate either.

onli a few of my friends noe who she is. she used to be someone important to me. well anyways, i hadnt seen her for a long, long time and i was onli yesterday beginning to wonder how she was doing.

who knew i would coincidentally meet her. it was quite a pleasent surprise but when i said hi to her i somehow sounded...bored. i guess i didnt realli have the mood cos of how tired i was. after 3 more lines exchanged and i just said bye next thing and she was gone. just like that.

so i just looked at her walk off and i sat down. i started thinking.

damn...i should have gone and walked with her to catch up on how shes doing...i kinda regreted just saying bye like that. but she was gone so i just let it go.

i hope we meet again.

well ok time to go.

till next time (and after all this fucking crap projects are done)

i am getting fucking sick of all this.

All I Have To Do

all i have to do.

is go with the flow.

just step back and let it go.

to stop the moment and take it in.

and walk forward and just keep going.



all i have to do.

is take it easy.

just to be happy.

to love and be loved.

and know when to let go.



all i have to do.

is to take things easy.

just to not think too much.

to have less worries.

and live a full life.



a simple life to all ends.

w6-9

i wonder when we will meet again.



i never complained about block teaching. but if i have a reason to...this would be it...

how come PID yr 2's 1st block ends later then others?

the school will be alot emptier and quieter...probrably to the extent where i think...its going to get lonely.

im drifting further and further away from my PID junior mates. maybe im just getting tired of it all...

and now for the next few weeks they will be my only company again.

just gotta live it.

Im Playing

so, my wise ass friend Benson (of PID) told me a saying.

'Whoever cant afford to lose, shouldnt play.'
-Benson Lee

well said Benson.

i totally and utterly agree.



so.

can u afford to play?

Used To Ponder

Used to Ponder

whatever happened to the days of old,
when my thoughts were as clear as gold.

when i would sit and think in clarity
of everything i could behold.

where it used to flow and so
now it only slows and no.

the sword is blunted and it is ebbing
not knowing to edge is where im falling.

hopefully ill learn again in time
what it means to be enlight.

but until then
ill have to sit tight.

-Victor Goh



i barely reflect on anything these weeks past.

and so my mind is detoriating.

11/05

so the words been going around that block teaching is not going well for students.

all i can say is, i pity the freshmen.

something has changed.

im no longer feeling so empty or bored or everything.



she is just so nice. mmm

Maybe

maybe...its not the person i miss.

but rather...its merely the feeling that i miss.

maybe it has nothing to do with the existance of any particular human but its just that so happens, fate has thrown me the chance to meet that certain individual.

"so it could have been anyone, as long as i could have the chance to feel the way i did before?"

just...maybe.

"so i might just miss the feeling. and not the person. and im using that person to somehow hope i can get that feeling once again?"

maybe thats the truth?

after all, theres no point lying to oneself

Mystery

even though its just a goodbye in the cyber world, why do i still feel a sense of sadness?

i want to say i miss but then...i realise i do not noe exactly what i miss.

i barely know her, what could i possibly miss?!

(i guess...i just miss having someone there for me)

im over the initial attraction but i dont think im over it all.

I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO FEEL AT ALL


but.

hope seems to linger and i am just going with the flow.

ill wait and see how this saga unfolds.

Weary

something is not right within me.

though i realli do hate whining and complaining inside a blog, i realli must state it out here.



i used to go school practically everyday, just for fun, to meet my buddies in school. even though honestly nothing is planned out for the day, we still manage to have freakin loads of fun coming up with nonsense and crap. i mean c'mon. we are design people. we are screwed up in the head.



but now...realli, going to school seems like a chore.

seems like everytime they ask me if im going to school now, i just dont wanna go. admin stuff? camp appreciation?! dunno wtf tea ceremony? why do i feel like its all a big waste of time?

i want to go school to LEARN THINGS. school is a place of fun but honestly the essence is to learn and i have not been getting that at all.

probrably cos its week 1 and im ready for school but all i get is boring talks and lots of time wasted. even if my friends are there and we have fun, let me say, i somehow feel i am not having that much fun anymore. i tire of this.

its the same thing over and over. NOTHING NEW IS HAPPENING.

i want school to start.

and now PID is more seperated then ever.

though the groups are more defined now, they are more apart as well.

and as usual gossiping is rampant and unstoppable.

why do i feel like im a victim of it? i can sense it, all those small little things that make it clear. in the end its up to u to tag along the mass or be left astray.

which do u choose.

Void

recently i have begun experiencing a different kind of sorrow from that which i usually experience and embrace. (yes u read that right)

usually, the kind of sorrow i have is...when i feel somehow melancholic and sentimental, and i start thinking of all the things in my life and ponder. but not to the point of insanity or depression mind u. just some deep thinking. it does the soul some good.

but now...the kind of sorrow im feeling...

its just emptiness.

a void that cant be filled in idle or activity, it lingers and it stays and it never goes away.
it eats at the soul and it bites at my mind but nothing i do can leave it behind.
thought its not pain but i feel its weight like its pushing down upon my head.

thought im sure ive had this feeling before...it has been some time since i felt such boredom and void.

i remember, i used to have a phrase for it.

'a life without contemplation or meaning.'

but thankfully. school is starting.

meaning will come back soon.

DOC

its the day after DOC (Design Orientation Camp)

it was damn damn DAMN FREAKIN FUN!!!

i was a GL (Group Leader) in the camp and my sub-empire is called Blasa.

im glad i had the oppurtunity to meet so many freshies. all the crazy new psychos of design school.

i dont have much to say of the camp events cos i dont wanna elaborate. too damn tiresome.



what i would like to do however, its give certain awards to the freshies of my Sub-Empire.

Coolest Freshie Award
-Jo

definitely the coolest freshie in the group. dressed simplistically but yet with undeniable style, this freshie also has red stars tattooed on each of her back shoulders that stand out ALOT. always seen with her singapure black cap, she is for sure, the coolest freshie. WOO~~~



Craziest Freshie Award
-Froggy a.k.a Khairun

what is with this psycho?! she raves, she screams, SHES MAAAAAD. shes the freshie that went crazy during jam & hop (constantly pulling me to dance with her). dont let her image fool u. theres nothing much to say her cos after all, we all noe just who is the craziest without a doubt.



ok ok. actually i cant think of anymore awards...i was thinking of adding a 'Cutest Freshie Award' but then i couldnt realli decide if its Faith or Fiona. and also was thinking of Most Annoying Freshie Award. but uh...NVRM.

the 2 'awarded' freshies are my fav freshies thats why i gave them such awards. i like them cos they stand out and cos they have that kind of energy and liveliness.

but. when i say fav freshies, doesnt mean i like them most. just means they are the most interesting freshies,

cos i honestly think i like the guy freshies more. like ferooze (big is cool), hannan (AH HOW TO SPELL MY NAME?), the ever smiling and mature David, silent Daniel, Jacen the Ah Beng (The Guy With the Cap), the MOST ANNOYING freshie Daniel, and twisted Ah Bang.

as for the ladies...im sorry but i dont remember everyone of u! maybe cos there are too many girls already...SORRY.



love all u freshies and love all u fellow GL's.

we rocked.

FOC & Farewells

its the day after the end of FOC.

FOC was realli realli fun. fustrating at times, but nevertheless, it was fun throughout.

im glad i met so many new friends, like people from Program Committee, Food & Administration, and lastly, Logistics Committee. (all the sub-comm psychos)

i wont go through all the stuff that happened during the camp. though it was fun. realli fun.

cos this camp is also a camp of farewells for me.

cos i probrably wont see those new friends much at all anymore. those crazy bunch of psychos.



and another thing.

id like to express abit about my grandma.

she took care of me since birth till about some time last year, when she shifted residence to her son's home.

she cooked for me, fed me, washed my cloths, tucked me in at night when i was young.

im her most favoured and doted on among all her grandchildren, and she never stopped loving me all my life.

she passed away yesterday at the end of the camp.

its a true goodbye till my own time.



farewells.

FOW

im back from Fresh Orientation Workshop (FOW)

i am fucking tired.

good night.

Remind

thanx to a friend of mine, i was reminded of some things regarding my personal past.

my friend didnt point anything out to me. rather, i was reminded of how things were after recieving a bit of information.

so after this small reminder, i decided to read some old texts to see what i had forgotten and which makes me so reminicient. to be precise, i check my old chatlogs.



my my...all the things ive forgiven and forgotten. its amazing, those things that happened.

but anyways, thanx to these reminders, i know now that, i shouldnt delude myself any further.



simply put.

as was, and always have been.
thats who you are indeed.

understand? :)

Love

i went out with my secondary school buddies on friday.

the brothers of my past.



it was as per normal. but only cos its normal that we have a great time.

each time when we meet. its like a reunion.

tell each other our probs. some secrets here and there.

and lots of good old insults to top it off.



what else could compare?



each time i meet them, it only reinforces the fact that no one else i know could ever compare to them.

not the slightest bit.

its not like im putting down everyone else i know. or maybe i am.

hell, i dont really care.

cos my love for them is bigger then what i can care for others.





speaking of love.

i remember i had a chat with abby. online, some months back. say maybe 7 or 8 months back.

the thing i wanted to point out at that time was that, love can exist in all levels of relationships.

even between strangers.

lemme repeat that.

even. between. strangers.



have any of you ever smiled at a stranger, just, and only, just hoping it might brighten thier day?

or speak to a waiter or cashier with sincerity and care, not just for the sake of being polite, but just cos you want to?

i dont know if any of you have done such things, or even understand the logic behind it.

some might even think those actions are simply a waste of effort. *why care for some stranger? a nobody? a person you dont care about, with nothing to connect with*



the thing is, i used to do those things back when i was in sec school. every single day if i could, i would try.

whats the reason behind those actions?

the reason is that the people around you are humans as well.

fellow humans with feelings and emotions just as needy as yours and mine. we do need love and care, all of us. not just for YOURSELF or YOUR FRIENDS. does anyone understand me here?

EVERYONE NEEDS LOVE.

and not everyone gets it.

its quite the opposite actually.

almost no one gets the love they want. not talking about sexual relationships but on all levels.

e.g.
motherly love. fatherly love. brotherly love. sisterly love. love between friends. love for a mentor. love for the fellow human. love for animals. love for nature. anything goes when it comes to love!



apparently i dont bother loving people as much as i did back then. i love people alot less now.

the reason is because. most people dont love back.

and it gets to me. im only human and as love travels, so does INDIFFERENCE.

id say that, over time, indifference got to me. the power of indifference overpowered me for sure.

let me point out clearly that this indifference is very largely from the tertiery education school i attend.

of course, im not blaming my school. no way. *TP rox.*

and nor am i blaming the people in my school.

its only natural to be indifferent in times of insecurity.

and the time it happens is right on the first day of school.

insecurity between the people u meet and interact with.

we might find a new friend fun and interesting, but beyond that, is there anything more? things like trusting and being who you are without fear of being judged. theres the insecurity right there. its onli normal. just dont let it overtake you.



what i want to say about all of this is.

love is everywhere. never look away from it, and never ever fear it.

truth. beauty. freedom. love.

im not sure why i suddenly began to write on this topic.

but i just had the feeling, i wanted to.

3 B's

the bath.

the bus.

the bed.

what is it you that u think of each of these times?

more often then not, the thoughts occuring would be the same in each given example.

this is what my lecturer, Dennis Tan, taught us PID students (though i doubt most will remember).

When are the times the mind is at ease. The places where the mind flows best.



the bath
a time for cleansing and rejuvenation.

the bus
a time when the mind lingers.

the bed
the moments before slumber, the moments after wake.



but as ive found out, the ideas will only flow if your mind is already at ease over current issues or problems.

ive also realised, the 'issue' ive been thinking each of the 3 places, has always been the same old thing, for almost a year.

Lone

siti is abroad.

theresa is abroad.

felicia liow is abroad.



no wonder i feel lonesome.

Remember

after all thats happened, being simple friends again seems impossible.

but i dont noe.

not till i try right?

how daunting.



ill be around.

whether i like it or not.

whether you need it or not.

cos i know i cant forget you.

Encounter

today, i went out for a badminton match with some of my sec school mates.

it was ok.

then we went for lunch and played pool.

then we decided to go to pasir ris

but lets skip all of that.

what i would like to express in my entry today is...the odd encounter i had with 6 coral secondary schoolgirls.



so, at pasir ris, me and my friends wanted to go to the library first.

so i hung around at the library till it was time to go.



now when i left, i saw a bunch of school girls sitting in the cafe of the library. i didnt pay much attention but i did notice 1 of them looking at me.

so of course, i just ignore. *its just a coincidence, as usual. eye contact happens unintentionally all the time* heck.

but then i glanced back to look at my friends, and THERE IT IS AGAIN. the same girl still glaring at me.

so this time, i look at her a little longer.

and her look still doesnt waver.

instead, shes talking to her friends while maintaining eye contact, and i notice heads turning my direction.



at this point i am feeling quite uncomfortable.

i tell my friend, Joel Wang, and he tells me he notices too.

and so does my other friend, Kai Lin.

but i still didnt do anything about it.

i just went off feeling damn wierd, cos they were STILL STARING AT ME with seeming amusement.



now, the library is on the 2nd highest level of whitesands shopping centre.

and the escalator down that level forces one to look straight into the cafe. unless of course u just look at your feet.

so yeah. as i went down, i tried acting normal by just looking straight. but DAMN THEY ARE STILL STARING!

so i just smile in confusion and give a body action that says *what the hell is up?!*

the girls just smile and laugh playfully. GAAAAAAAH!!!

i just felt so damn curious what the HELL was going on.




so my friends were laughing about it and telling me the possibilities of who the girls were and why they kept looking. all of the possibilities were not believeable.

and so we just keep going down till we reach the first level, outside mcdonalds.

AND IM STILL THINKING ABOUT IT.



in the end, i decided to go up and ask them why they were looking. yeah -.-

so my 2 friends, joel and kailin went up with me.

ok honestly i felt damn nervous when i was about to go confront them.

damned. nervous.

i think its cos of the fact they were a company of 6 girls while im going to have to ask them *stupidly* alone.

cos my friends were also feeling tense about it.

tense cos, the moment we enter thier view, INTENT STARING ENSUED.

damn damn damn uncomfortable.

we just talked about it with out backs facing them the whole while, feeling realli uncomfortable.

after about 3 minutes, we decided to leave.

i decided i didnt want to noe whats up with them anymore. haha!

as we were going down by the escalator again, and i looked at the girls, this time they were practically LAUGHING OUT LOUD and they were CLEARLY amused.

so i smiled a wide grin to them as well and just gave them a body action saying * THIS IS FREAKIN WIERD BUT FUNNY*



so we made our way down again, and went out seperate ways.



and u noe what i did?

i went BACK UP.

and sat at a bench below the library.

and WAITED.

thats right. i waited for those girls.

GAHAHAHAHA

i just felt like if i didnt confront them i would probrably regret it alot by night.



and the waiting paid off.

eventually they left the library and headed down.

i saw them, they saw me.

but this time, they seemed...hesitant to stare at me so close.

i was practically just a few metres from them, and it was MY TURN to stare.

maybe thats why they also began to feel uncomfortable about staring as well.

so we all headed down the escalator, with them behind me.

at the next level, i went to the side, and purposely waited. waited for them to pass by me, then i went on just very closely behind them.

stalkerish i noe, but just so i know they wont be looking at me easily. HAHA. so stupid lah

onli the girl that first stared at me stilled continued to give me eye contact.

damn i was just so...curious...does she know me somehow?!



but i didnt ask her in the end.

i just felt that...at the end when i wasclose to confronting them, i saw that...there wasnt much interest left.

it sort of died when the distance in between got too close.



i told my mom about it when i met her just some time later.

she just laughed about it.

she asked me if they were still in secondary school.

yes.

she asked me if they were giggling.

yes.



my mother concluded, the girls were just infatuated with me.

"ah u know how schoolgirls are right. *motherly smile* "

omfg......

i find that hard to believe.



if i were still in secondary school, i would probrably have agreed with my mom.

but now...i dont think that way anymore.

Stone

my heart has slowly been turned to stone.

and right now it feels like itll never go back.



but i dont know if i care.

Back to Basics

what the hell...

if im justified.

then why the fuck do i have to care?



i onli cared cos i was worried there would be further conflict.



but ya noe what.



i dont give a damn about that either.

sheesh.

Old Promise

can i still uphold that promise i made to myself so many years ago?

i am beginning to get doubtful of that.

i dont think i can uphold this sacrifice much longer.



the more i learn, the harder it gets.

TSAF

wow man.

the reply was petty fast this time.



and i thought it was over?!?



whos being sensitive?

whos the one who assumes about whether another is talking about someone?

are u telling me ur not guilty of that?



my previous post wasnt even insulting.

of course, unless typing slow backwards...


i THINK perhaps cos it seemed like i was trying to sound damn smart or something.



cmon laaaah. we both noe who we talking about right?

regardless of names or anything, u KNOW who u were refering to.

same for me yo.





if im not wrong.

the first post u wrote was on january.

i didnt realise till like febuary when LOTS of nonsense happened.

and originally i never even intended to write about u. (until u decided to strike again)

it was originally just about the general people cos of so much bullshit happening.

i didnt even noe WHO disliked me at the time.

and yet i noticed some kind of counter attack.



so being a typical moron, i struck back as well.





at least now i noe abit more of ur dislike.



i bet theres more though.

"the enemy of my enemy is my friend" non?




the entries have been amusing.

but its the same old thing.



at least someone approached me calmly to tell me my prob. thats nice of the person.

u noe who u are.



ive already told that person, i noe what my probs are.

and im gonna try and change them.

its not easy changing.

so itll take time.

but in the mean time, im not trying to be an ass, but u should change too.



like...if u had told me calmly what my prob was, that would have been a helluva lot better.

not that im in the position to JUDGE u.

its just some advice.



i hope u dont flame again cos of this.

cos that would be just sad.



and...wtf kinda trophy is THAT?!?!?!

0_O

WOLS

she sure took some time to find out/reply to me.

im SLIGHTLY disapointed though.

but at the same time, quite at ease over it.



btw. please dont kiss my ass. thanx.

Conflict

i think i like blog conflicts too much...

they excite me ya noe?!

i get that sense of adrenaline everytime i see that oppurtunity

seriously.

i find it damn fun

as long as its not about political stuff.



i think im pretty twisted.



but on the other hand, my better self is telling me not to be an idiot like them and just ignore them.

haiz.

Break

bashing in blogs.

what happened to the good old days of plain and civilised confrontations?



well, maybe thats what blogs are for.

didnt noe there was such a day for mushrooms though =)



thank goodness for the school break.



p.s.: hello pei huan XD

Chaos

Chaos

When the chaos hath come,
witness its wrath,
behold its nature,

for you shall so be struck by it,
that your knees will weaken,
and your resolve will shaken.

But with its passing,
be thankful of your survive,
for so attained you have,

the true nature of those,
filled with scorn,
filled with betrayal.

Learn from the chaos,
and it shall serve you,
to so never be fallen again.

-Victor Goh



let this be a message to the fallen survived.

My roots

it seems im particularly pissed this night.

mmm.



but its ok.

itll be over once the day is come and gone again.

cos by then, none of u will hear from me.

peace.

Diss-Like

just to make it clear.

i dislike noisy people.

i dont necessarily hate NOISE itself.

cos noise happens all the time. (esp in PID)



but people who constantly wanna produce noise pollution excessively...

its irritating lah.

so lemme be more specific.



I dislike it when people make noise for no good reason, too much, and at the wrong times.



ANOTHER THING

i realise theres so much of talking behind peoples backs.

(is it cos we are PID?)

ok. that is inevitable.

in fact, its part of human behaviour.



but i think.

people who take it too far.

with insults.

and unnecessary bullshit.

should try to tone it down.

and tolerate abit.



cos i realise...im becoming worse and worse as time goes by.

...it seems the people around me are the ones insulting alot as well.

perhaps im being influenced somehow...?



and...i do noe some people dislike me.

thats for sure.

but then from what ive experienced...it seems these people are just...morons as well.

sad fact.

Help Abuse

theres one thing i learnt during my sec school days.

dont help people too much.

ESPECIALLY those who ur not close with.



why?

because U WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

that is always the case.



onli ur truly good friends will noe that u are not thier slave.

A TRUE FRIEND SHOULD RELY ON THEMSELVES FIRST, BEFORE SEEKING HELP WITH WORK.

that is the thing i wish to convey.



if u are one of those who always seek help.

then just ask what u need.

things like ADVICE. or maybe just abit of help.

if u cant do it, then make it up to the person.

"Forgetting one's debts is the greatest crime a person can commit."
- Simón Bolívar (1783-1830)



to all those who feel they have been used, or abused, by others for help,

just remember.

HELPING IS GOOD. u have been a good person. i respect all of u for that. those who dont are onli fools.



HELPING TOO MUCH IS HARMFUL.

helping people when they need it is good.

but did u noe.

when u assist people past where they need, U ARE HARMING YOURSELF AS WELL AS THEM.

by doing so, ur help will be harm instead.

because by helping them, u are making them weaker and more dependant.

onli help them to the point where they NEED.

anything more will cause harm.

if u refuse and they scorn at u, then let it be, because by doing so, u have helped them beyond thier understanding.

peace everyone.

Amiss

my torchlight project is finally done and over.

the critique was damn nerve wrecking.

today was actually pretty fun.



and yet, now, i feel like something is amiss.

something i cant quite put a finger on.

is it because its valentines tmrw?



i doubt it =)

i am twisted.

blood blood blood.

could i make a torchlight that runs on blood.

that would be sweet. and abit salty.

mmm.

with love, the cynic.

Essence

tonight is another on of those nights.



for those who dont noe, during certain nights, i feel an extreme sense of loneliness and sorrow out of no where.



well...im kinda used to it.

but it still affects me abit ya noe.

and sometimes i kinda like that feeling of sorrow.

theres substance in it thats different from fleeting happiness.

the essence of sorrow thats within me, i truly do appreciate it.



on a side note, saturday i had freakin high libido.

but today (sunday), its pretty damn low.

huge change. lol.



and on a more...irritable and desperate note.

FUCK TORCHLIGHTS!!! GAAAAH

DSHGALKSHKGJFHGAULERHYGKFHGKFBVSAKDSVGDFALUGHUILRAHGASAKDSFYQIUGHDSKFGBVSKFD

Stats

6 mother fucking projects.

5 barely enough hours of sleep for a month.

1 A2 page of USELESS torchlight idea.

4 days spent on A2 rendering.

12 approximate months reduced life span thanx to spraying.

100 dollars worth of copic markers.

0 progress on drafting handphone.

4 c+ grades recieved from richard wee.

1 very undead Archfreak.

Rant

right now, im sitting in my room using the laptop.

after a long day in school as an I-Guide. (thats the name of the school guide in TP.)

dont ask me what the 'I' stands for. i myself have no fucking idea.

for some strange reason, im feeling quite...fustrated and pissed now...



so. its the end of the 2nd day of TP open house.



hmm...i think the I-Guides did a great job.

and so did the D-Guides.

and no. not cos im in I-Guides or cos im in Design school.



i went to some of the schools.

IT and AS were pretty alright.

but...whie BUSINESS had thier numbers...i could see that quite some of them did not even bother at all with the sec school students, and my friends have exprienced that as well.



engine school...i didnt step foot in there.

but, apparently, even the principal of engineering school agreed that it was a lack of space in engine school.

cos they spread themselves too far out in such a big area within thier school.

so students felt discouraged about going all the way in when there were so few booths in such a huge distance.



ANYWAYS.

i felt the IMD/MOI room at design space was pretty damn good.

i liked the live illustrations and sketchbooks especially.

those were the things that i thought were realli interesting.

i found myself wanting to tell the students that they SHOULD go there, just to take a look at the kind of stuff we design students do in TP, as well as to KNOW that we ARE, DAMN RIGHT THE COOLEST there is out there.

thats the kind of thing that brings people into TP DESIGN.



even though i was an I-Guide, i found myself very partial to my own school.

in the sense that, i realli wanted to bring the students to DES rather then other schools.

so i ended up being something like a design guide too, seeing as how i noe the layout and the general view of what each course is. (cos i go around hearing other course explain over and over)

i dunno how many times i had to repeat myself though.

it was abit straineous on the voice.



oh yeah.

i also participated in the TP MASS DANCE.

my partner was Hui Leng.

it was pretty damn funny that some sec school students got caught in the middle of all the dancing.

needless to say, they were laughing all the way, not knowing what to do.

but hey! we got them to participate dancing the CHICKEN DANCE



the funniest thing i saw was the reaction of a guy when i told him the sculpture on display in PID section was made of wood.

he went 'are u FUCKING SERIOUS?' 0_0 *begins feeling sculpture in amazement*



LAST THING.

i just wanna list the things i feel are what caused me to feel pretty pissed now.



the guy who THREATEN to report my name if i continue 'slacking' during duty. fuck man. just cos i standing at design school for awhile looking for people to help DOESNT MEAN IM SLACKING. and THREATENING doesnt exactly command respect to me. it onli made me label him as a total fucktard.
,
another guy who is simply getting on my nerves. i dare say he feels the same. i shant say more about him.
, and
the girl who is simply SO ANNOYING. it almost makes me WANT TO REGRET the whole thing. THATS how annoying.

and if anyone thinks i have a prob with them, then heres something someone told me before.

*dont (fucking) assume.*

Dust to Dust

school assignments are a killer when ur in design.

especally for my kin. *COUGH COUGH*

which is why i have nothing much to update now.



lets just say, the following weeks will be busy and i wont have time to think of anything personal much.

ill probrably be thinking more of ideas for my work.



ive been told that im losing the sort of...sparkle in my eyes.

or that...i seem tired, listless, or somehow blank in spirit.

well damn.

all i can say is.

its gonna be that way for some time!

just gotta live with it. just gotta deal with it.



and about that certain human.

all i want to say is.

BAH.

and

MEH.

thats all the matter deserves. XD

Tag!

near the end of midnite, i tagged offensively to defend my friend, rachel, from an anonymous tagger.

now.

those who have been following this blog.

you would noe my dislike for ANONYMOUS TAGGERS who want to say bad stuff.



i DO realise that the anonymous tagger might be a friend of mine.

but STILL.

being a friend of mine doesnt mean ill SPARE THE PERSON a piece of my MIND.



the person might hate me. or the impression of me might change.

i accept it! cos that who i am.

what u see is who i am in this situation.



if that person had stated out thier name as least...i would not have been offensive.

i would have treated the person with respect and listen.

but the moment the person decides to give negative comment...even if its slight...its intolerable...

to state ur dislike behind a mask. a wall. where u noe ull be HARMLESS.

how would u respect someone like that?



thats all.

Meh

alritey...

so i read her blog.

*OMG why am i doing this again. goodness sakes.*



if i could have that chance to be just a friend once again.

i wouldnt hesitate.



after all.

i still remember that promise.

that promise of friendship.

unless im the only one who remembers.



suddenly im getting the vibes that me typing this out is still pointless in the end.

i wonder why.

Change

now.

i wish to write about a certain thing my old friend of mine has stated in his own blog, about me.

"i saw victor online. lol. hm.. to me, he has changed quite a bit. lol. his word seems to lack the same authority than in the past. as in... now, there is more sarcasm and less weight. to me, he is still my good friend, and will always be, but... i worry. haha."


just a little background information here.

the person who wrote that quoted statement is my friend, Joel Wang Shou Zhi.

he has been my friend since i was sec 1, when we were both in the same class.

i still remember the time i met him because i wanted to read the neon genesis evangelion comic book he had.



in that quoted statement, my dear friend has mentioned that i have changed to become less authouritative and that my words seem to have less weight.

what he means its that i have become more aloof in my nature, using sarcasm for wrong purposes, and not having the same charm and steadiness i once had.



i utterly agree.

to compare myself now with my self of my past is a shame i endure with disgrace.

i have no idea how to bring myself back to that point.



let me just say...it all started when i came into polytechnic.

it must either be the company ive been having, or the environment. (please correct me if im wrong)

for the company, i doubt its because of that.

after all, ive seen my fair share of wise people as well as noisy twits.



Temasek Poly Design School

i have come to believe that it is because of the extreme change of work and stress that i have become less of what i used to be.

the feeling where...anyone of these people might be ur competition and being better then them is like the goal.

i think it gets to the point where human nature can get nasty sometimes.

do u people agree?



another long time friend of mine (who is also my most trusted and loved friend), siti nursyuaibah, has also agreed that i have become more...harsh and unkind.

basically in her words, im no longer the 'mister nice guy' i used to be.

i used to have a reputation for being the nice guy.

but apparently, thats no longer the case im sure.



it gets me down sometimes.

Say

all i want to say is....


YOU SAY LAH!
NOOOO YOOOU SAAAAY!!! I DUNNO HOW TO SAY LAH.
SAY LAAAAH!!! QUICKLY SAY.

those 3 lines, multiplied by 3.

over and over.



thank you.

Popularity

since we are on this topic now.

lets see...

popularity.



apparently, i have given the wrong impression that i want to be as famous as possible.

believe it or not, the truth is,

if possible, i would prefer to remain low profile.

maybe some people know that.

some people like my sec school friends might know.



but now i think its quite disagreeable, cos i cant seem to lay low in design school.



this blog got its 'popularity' from my previous stupid posts.

the very previous post is merely my own sick sense of humour.

admittedly my posts are quite sarcarstic and at times damn stupid.

not as if i want my blog to be famous.

am i supposed to change my blog add?

or am i supposed to post only about boring stuff so no body will read?



im thinking, my past post, (THAT post) is definitely worth hating me for. no doubts.

but...the very previous post?

sure, its sarcarstic, but i dont think it will spark a war.

of course, i bet some people will say im damn lame or childish or wadever.

thats what happens when i write in my blog.

in truth, (i dunno if im correct) i think MOI also has its own sick sense of humour. so i doubt it will anger them.

unless i post something thats stupidly offensive or wrong.



for some, they may get pissed cos they very focused on avoiding conflict and cant believe i would be so foolish to go make joke like this, lest i start a riot.

it makes me think that, if i want to be sarcarstic in my blog, i better make sure no one but myself can understand it.

well ok. damn. that sucks.

its realli too bad then.



peace

Amazing

amazing!

today i had the chance to find out that in the OTC (Orienation Training Camp), news of my blog was still being conversed about!

i got this information from a friend outside of design school.

thats freakin crazy! OUTSIDE OF DESIGN SCHOOL!

out of NO WHERE he talked to me about what happen in my blog.

and im like...*DONNNNNG* 0_0 'how the hell did u know about that?!'

to which he replied, some design people talking about it in the camp.

what the hell man.

i realli dunno what to say.

dunno if i should LAUGH or just be AMAZED.

ok in the end i did both. laugh in amazement -.-



so the thing is.

this blog's reputation is indeed beyond my expectations. (much to my shock)

probrably those people didnt say out my blog address.

but still, the thought that they would still want to continue talking about it...

its quite amusing to me.



i would like to thank those who made this blog so POPULAR.

and who can i thank for this?

undoubtedly, i believe this thanx should go to...

THE IMD/MOI FLAMERS!!!

woo u guys rock, thats why i love MOI so much.

onli you guys would put so much effort into ur flaming. such effort is realli commendable.

thanx thanx thanx.



now, im not saying its those guys who are talking about it in the camp.

but all the commotion can be linked back to when the flaming started.

so i think the thanx is well deserved yeah. hoho.

XD

OTC '05

came back from orientation training camp (OTC) on the 30th of Dec.

it was pretty fun.

logistics committee is freakin slack lah...

like...we have our work to do definitely.

but we do it fast and efficient, and suddenly, we find that we have SOOOOO much free time to just go and crap around.



as how after every camp, i desperately need sleep.

although for this camp i dont feel all that tired, i still didnt sleep all very much.

and i found myself running around ALOT this camp.

cos i keep visiting my friends during breaks or just go see how the games are being played.



joel (sec school mate) and me got soaked by mark, mac, and tao hui (xiu hui).

we were stationed with them, and after safari said he games were over, we started soaking each other in cool water.

sweet relief from the blazing hot sun. hoho.

btw tao hui is quite amusing. and mac is pretty damned friendly too.



and then!

i realli cant be bothered to add in more details about the camp.



oh yes!

one last note.

im sick of greeting that girl.

totally lame leh.

i greet her, then she gimme that kind of face and look away. (i never say what kind of face yeah)

what the fuck. ok i can see why her behaviour is such. but i think its pretty lame.

maybe i should just keep quiet and pretend i never knew her.

XD

RECAP

this is the recap of what has been happening here in the tagboard of this blog!!!

its damn funny lah.

i will be updating this entry when new tags are seen =)

conversations are BOTTOM TO TOP PLS.

so please scroll down and read up =)



another hand: lol

soilders inside ball: wa lan wei de ball keep rollin we all inside jia liat sia headache cant find de egg still nid to keep rollin damn tired lor when can i shoot out again like other

another hand: need my help hand1?

dripping cunt: hey sexxxxxx

hand: gosh ah...no fun ah...i itchy ah...but anon's balls missing ah...stroke penis ah...nothing will come out ah...anon's anus smelly ah...dun want ah...

dripping cunt: i would like to be with penis with balls

Archfreak- PRIVATES: omg this is a nc-16 place ok.

His lower part : there was a time when everyday he stroke and i enjoy and he did, we three come together strong and fit de ball de penis and de pubic hair~~~~~

Pubic Hair: He Shaved Us... So Sad...

penis wif out balls: gee i wonder where my ball goes man!!! cant find them i cant stand wif out them anon that owner dun noe how to take care ar die man

Archfreak-anus: wow sounds very tempting. too bad i dont do it with hum ji asses.

balls: eh! we stand together! but now we lost! help us find our owner! he go by name of anon! without us he will become hum ji kia! pls help our ball-less anon!

aTAT: since de trend now is put a in front of ur name den i put mine lor !!! hehehe look cool sia look like my email de lolz .... hapi boxin day ar we all later go boxing ring go ding ding

anus: me seh anon's ass. i want flame you so cause i want you to screw me. you know what i mean right? hee. i can't wait.

ANON TAT : shhhhh .... workin undercover dun tell anon ar i scare wait he tell my boss i ard here ok ? steady ar

WEI 2 Anon Tat: Whooo.. Hello Anon Tat... U Sounds Cool... With A Tat Behind... hahhahaha

ANON TAT: AIYA ANON STYLE OK HE NOE HOW TO HIDE LIKE U NOE INTER AFFAIR HE THINK HE ANDY LAU I STILL LIANG CHAO WEI LOR HEHEHEHE i m cop !!!

WEI 2 Victor: Is THAT Anon From Those Secret Police Force Where They Covered Up Their Faces And Protect Their Identity Those Kinda People???

Loisy: hellos my name's spelt Lois hahas! see you around in school okies take cares! blessed christmas

Archfreak: wah liao everytime i see my tag board im hoping that anon will reply. why never reply?!?!

KoL-Vitch: NOT** aiming a course lah stupid..

Archfreak-anon: and u are a hum ji kia who dont dare give ur name. ball less =)

Vitch: now you're aiming a person..now aiming a course [which is in-animate..]

anon: Which part of you do you think the girl will be interested in? Of course u 2 aint compatible. you are a kid. look at yourself in the mirror before you speak. you have the right to talk, so do we.

anon: you are fair, short, and you look like a little boy. Apparently from the blog we can see that your intellacts are not that high either.

Joel: Wishing you a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

*OTHER VARIOUS MERRY CHRISTMAS WISHES*



so fun.

Careful

if u notice, this guy here put:

"you have the right to talk, so do we."



now...this person is talking about my previous blatant comments about MOI and various other things.

saying if i have the right to say what i want, means MOI oso can say what they want about me.



so by saying the words 'SO DO WE' u are making people think that u are from MOI or u may have something against my words.

further more, that gal which u undoubtedly noe who is from MOI as well.

is it mere coincience?

even my friend oso suspect u from MOI cos of that.

if u dont have something agaisnt my words, then why put so much energy to tag?

or maybe my posts are too extreme for u to handle so u must tag further agaisnt me when no body want to care anymore.



either ways, just be careful yeah. or u might have your ass handed to u by a bunch of rioting flamers.

Hum Ji Kia

if u are too hum ji.

or u dont have any balls (if u are a guy).

or no body in this world bothered to give u a name.

then please dont bother typing 'hurtful' tags in my tagboard.

like wow.

everytime i get one of these taggers i get excited.

but its disapointing that the person dont want to leave thier name.

whether they realli hum ji or they got no name...i dunno...

but i think i can assume all of us who noe how to use comp has a proper name right?

nothing to do with the words 'random' or 'stranger' or 'anon' (wow so style, short for anonymous) or MOST ORIGINAL, 'anonymous'.



so with that, all i wish to say is, if u want to insult me in some way, hoping ill be affected by some nobody's words, then the least u could do is leave ur name or some way i can identify u.

if not, why should i bother about some nameless mofo?

and btw. mofo is short for mother fucker, in case maybe that certain hum ji doesnt noe.

at least if u leave ur name, its abit more respectable yeah. at least it doesnt make you seem like such a pussy.

thanx.

im looking forward to a proper conversation.

Suicide

so its the night before im going to IMD studio alone after my folly.

to be honest i cant wait.

but im onli scared of one thing.

abby.

LOL.

im PANSY ASS SCARED of that.

damn.

i dont even dare say sorry to her ON THE INTERNET LAH. WTF!



ok as im about to publish this post...i suddenly get another fear.

i find myself checking my entry again and again to see if it might upset anyone.

holy shit.

dont kill me if that happens.

WOW!

wow.

if i so read this again in future, this is a post about my careless words in my blog.

yeap just for remembrance.



hmmm...

ok. to those who gave thier comments, thank u for your time and effort to scold me.

extra thanks to those who said so calmly. uh...i think onli jia yi and dead duck? tat ming right? if i miss someone out im sorry...alot of tags. thank u very much for keeping slack on the vulgarities and giving ur sincere thoughts. seems onli u people are above me.



ok!

i will do my best to talk to u. uh...but i think not alot of u will not want to talk to me anymore? maybe want to smash my face?

saying sorry here is no use yeah?

whats said is said yeah? those words cant be taken back.

so im not sure what i can do to make it up to all of u?

i think taking the hate for say...years? that might be sorry enough?



what can i say? i now i said too much for my own good but then again...its my blog yeah.

just as how xia xue goes (wow i dislike xia xue and yet i talking about her) about saying its her blog so its her own thoughts whether whoever like it or not.

but eh i dont realli like that principle of hers cos things can get very offensive.

just like how singapore agaisnt racism and all...talking about another course is as good as talking about another race.

and damn i hate racism. so honestly yeah im disgraced at myself now? it was the same thing yet i didnt see it.



so lets see.

main thing im thinking now...

how can i make it up to all of MOI?

and.

how can i say im sorry to all of u? i noe sorry aint enough BUT ITS SOMETHING.

my shame and my pride will be given to u. insults i will take. hate i will also take.

one thing PLS!

DO NOT ASSOCIATE MY CRIME WITH THE COURSE OF PID.

i admit! what i said was FAR TOO ARROGANT. but that onli ME. not PID. other then that, i will accept wadever is thrown at me. leave the rest of PID out of this yeah?



so if anyone wanna bash me up, (though i hope no one it wont go down to that) then fine yeah? we go out of school and i let u bash me up? even if its before christmas, its fine yeah. i wont fight back if u feel thats better. i dont mind taking blows if it can get this done? though i hope it can be settled with discussion.



btw this post is onli talking about the stuff i said about MOI as a whole yeah. as for the rest of what i said about individuals...yeah im sorry but i cant and wont take them back.


as a side note...what the hell?!?! sex god???? HEY HEY! thats what U people called me ok...dunno who started it lah...

i definitely WONT name myself that! SO PLS DONT ADDRESS ME AS THAT.

Love of Friends

its a long day today.

but lets skip all the crap.

after doing my drafting for the whole day, we PID mates went home together at 9.

we went opposite school to take a look at the Pasah Malam (night market in malay).

and so...we PID mates took a look around...and we didnt buy anything.

EXCEPT.

7 ramly burgers.



and so we got the burgers, and walked to a dessert (is that how u spell it?) shop, sat down, and enjoyed our time together, with food and drink, and whats most important, each others company with extremely amusing conversations.



indeed.

it was nice. its times like those that all the terrible, torturous work seems worth doing, JUST FOR THE PEOPLE.



thats one thing.

next...



Alexander Lek.

we had a talk on our way home on the bus.

it was about work at first. but it went on to...love interests, and the bond between friends, and the fine priorities between them.

well...ill not talk about his side of the conversation. private yeah.

but the thing he said concerning me. thats what i want to express here.

basically, he talked to me about her.

yeah. HER. u guys noe it. (as how Chang Tat says, *que heavy breathing voice* "HEH~-HEHH~-HEHHHH~-BY")

so alex told me...

she and me are totally different and incompatible

she is too bimbo. (uhh... lol)

she dont deserve a guy like me (now ok...i tried defendering her on this but he dont agree...haha)

and i forgot what else but thats the main.

and i believe him.

ok the thing is...i feel more affected by his words cos while all my other close friends have been telling me the same things...they havent SEEN abby as she is face to face and how she behaves and talks and all that.

so it was then that i was fully persuaded and it confirmed the views of all my other friends.

i am a proud ass...

and deep down i noe, she is not compatible with me.

and hell. deep down in my proud and sickeningly human heart, i know i deserve better. LOL.

that makes me sound like a damned asshole and all.

but the truth about myself is, im nice, friendly, kind, sensible, and thoughtful. of course i falter at times...but generally im a guy who knows what im doing, and acts with proper accordance.

and i know my friends would support that statement.

undeniably a proud ass. XD



one last thing!!

alex also talked of the brotherhood between guys versus the sexual relations of a girl.

to alex...ones brothers are the most important...and a girl of interest should never be held above such bonds of friendship.

and he made it clear to me, that i probrably dont understand it as much as he does.

why?

because he is from monford, a ruffian all boys school with tough guys who value thier brotherhood,

while i am from siglap, a typical mixed gender neighourhood school where brotherhood isnt worth as much. and its the same for all such multi-sex schools.

so i was quite shocked and it made me think quite abit.

i had forgotten the importance of such ties and also...i never held brotherhood so strongly to the extent that it would overtake my feelings of love for a girl.

like...my brothers are damn important...but alexander's way is to the extent where one would give up thier girlfriends for thier brothers.

simply put.

to see your friends in a higher level of importance then a sexual relationship with others.

isnt that respectable and incredibly loyal to your friends?

it realli made me think on the way home.

what do u think?

DOTC

DOTC stands for Design Orientation Training Camp.

the camp started on friday, 7 o'clock. we campers also have to stay overnight on saturday.

i just came back from it today, at say about 4.



so lets see...

i met an individual named Matthew.

simple put, i find him very annoying.

tall, large frame, meaty, not toned, extremely shaggy hair, bad complexion. now...there is nothing wrong with any of those.

but the thing that pisses me off, is his habit of unnessesary comments, commenting too fucking loud, and acting like some big shot.

i shant give examples yes. but if u like, u may find zhen hao or ronald on thier comments regarding this human male.

other then those irritating traits of his, everything else about him is pretty alrite. cos i talked to him and he seems quite alrite...probrably cos im a total stranger to him...so wadever.



next, eugene.

im talking about the design studies club eugene, who is tall and has facial hair.

that guy, is large, and tall, and can very well be said to be...pretty much huge by the normal singaporean scale of body sizes.

but YET, he is extremely timid of scary things.

scary things in mention are stuff like GHOSTS, SPIRITS and SUDDEN SHOCKS.

when i type extremely timid. what it can also be translated to is PANSY ASS SCARED, if i were to put it in a rude, crude and disrespectful way.

i was realli shocked cos he is such a big size guy, but he was so freakin scared of the stuff in the NIGHT WALK.

we had to solve a puzzle of a murder in BUSINESS school, early in the morning, like 12am, and there were lots of characters around the school to help us with clues.

a number of them were ghosts.

and they had a habit of scaring the shit out of people, through the ever effective method of loud, unexpected shrieks of anger or horror.

eugene got so scared that he could not control himself.

to the extent he didnt want to continue playing the game AT ALL. the onli reason why he continued playing was cos he didnt have a choice.

im not making fun of him for that.

im just very shocked at that. cos trust me, he was VERY, VERY SCARED. ask justin for further details.



last thing.

what im gonna say here might be DISAGREEABLE and EXTREMELY PROUD. but i dont care.

i DARE say Product & Industrial Design (PID) is the best course in the camp.

why?

because of our unwielding UNITY, and our lack of hesitation for socialising and interacting with new people.

there have been numerous times our PID group has shown its incredible unity.

and there have been numerous times the Moving Images (MOI) group has shown its incredible attempt to try and be like PID.

oh ho. that is definitely VERY disagreeable to some people, im sure.

but remember.

this is my blog.

and in my blog, i dont lie.

and in my blog, i onli put things i BELIEVE are worth writing down.

so hush up if u dont agree.

if not, then u can tell me how much u think PID rox. thank u.

...i mean...CMON!!!

think back in the camp...

can u DENY the unity of the PIDians?!?!

yeah. the truth is,

u cant.

well...at least this applies for the year 05 batch. HAH

Definition of Love

if im not wrong, the phrase is taken from the bible. if im wrong, just hope i dont get struck down. correct me please.

'Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not demanding, and most of all, Love is letting go out of Love'



i feel proud of myself that i somehow followed this without realising it.

when i say proud...i dont mean that kind of boastful pride...but more of the impressed at myself pride.

but dont get me wrong.

i am, a proud ass. and i know it. ah hoho. XD



to end this post, ill put this song lyrics. so happen it kept playing during a hong kong drama and so it got stuck in my head.

its damn meaningful to me.


Rick Price - Heaven Knows

she's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know

though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger
every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus:
maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their way
only heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows

my friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus

why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...

chorus

heaven knows
-------


i realise, people might misjudge my intentions of posting those lyrics in this entry.

well please be informed.

this lyrics are probrably outdated in how im feeling. maybe say...2 weeks back...probrably yeah...

those of u following my drama story might see the great inference to the song.

Cockel Spaniel

today i had drawing fundamental.

my lecturer for this subject is richard wee.

so he showed us a drawing he did in another lesson.

the image of a guy, having similar droopy eyes to mine, wearing a ski cap. quite a handsome guy anyways.

well, somewhere along the lesson, he stated that the man in his drawing has whats called:

Cockel Spaniel Eyes.

and the thing is, he says:

'just like victors eyes, see? some women go crazy over men like that...because they the eyes give the impression of needing protection and helplessness...u know...a the motherly instinct...wanting to take care and protect...'

*all the while EVERYONE was staring at my eyes*

to which everybodies response was roaring laughter, including mine (though albiet embaressing).

like...what the hell!!! is that true?!?!

it made me think back of when i found myself following abby around, much like a puppy dog.

HAHAHA. never realised till now.



is there a similarity? hahahaha!

if u have the time, go look up on these dogs. they are realli cute, with thier helpless kind of puppy dog look.

Pansy

damn.

ive played 2 pansy ass games in 2 days.

yesterday, it was HeliAttack 3.

today, its Spider Man 2, on the PC.



let me make myself clear.

Spider Man 2 (the game) is freakin lame, poorly programmed, has bad graphics, and CRAPPY gameplay.

damn!

id think even HeliAttack 3 (which is a free game, online) might be more entertaining and enjoyable a game then Spider Man 2, which costs MONEY to buy. geez!

yeah. games are important in this boys life! so take it as a pansy ass game review.

the worse the game, the worse the review! and id say this review pretty much sucks!

so yeah.

Spider Man 2 (the game XD) SUCKS!

Heliattack 3

(just in case, for u people who dont know...noob is short for NEWBIE, which is in term used to address beginners, or otherwise, lower class gamers)

alrite.

i admit it.

today, i spent the time at night in school (which i was suppose to spend DOING WORK) to play a pansy game called:

HELIATTACK 3.

its found on miniclip.com.

yeah.

i beat it once. then went for interview. then i beat it again.

pansy ass game -.-

benson and justin had some problems completing it though.

apparently, they dont play 'noob games' thats why i better then them, meaning in thier terms that i am far more noobish, thus enabling me to complete the game (twice).

what excellent reasoning.
onli found in PID, folks.



oh btw. i saw louis today.

wait...is that how i spell her name? nevermind.

shes always wears long flowing skirts. well, more often then any other gal i noe. she looks nice in those.

shirley once wore that kinda skirt too. apparently, as i learned from her, those kinda skirts are abit expensive, compared to other skirts. thus she onli has one.

need i say, i like those kinda skirts alot? HAHA. (like ALOT, ALOT? indeed)

it suits louis well. (damn is that how her name is spelled? nevermind)

like like like...LONG SKIRTS WOOT. so elegant.

am i weird? XD

Free!

mmmmmmmm.

i feel alot better now! like a weight off my shoulders! i am glad for that.

hopefully there are no after effects. that would be most irritating...

the reasons for my feeling better are in fact...probrably, seemingly sad.

but its more like me going "'oh well' *shrug*"

cos part of me already wants it.



so!!! ALL OF MY FRIENDS READING THIS BLOG.

i have heard your 'feedback'.

YES! i noe! my blog has had a mood of sorrow and moodiness these past weeks.

but i believe it will change! take note of that.

i will once again (i hope) write on more interesting entries on my thoughts of recent events or just my personal view of LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING.

hmm...key words here are I HOPE! ah ha! i dare not say FOR SURE lest i suffer the complaints of my readers >_<


on a side note
i wonder how the next years batch of PID students will be like.

zhen hao was saying. hope got some chio bu. then can see see. LOL. lets hope jia ying doesnt read this blog...

well damn. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH ZHEN HAO. please!!! chio bu come to PID! we guys from PID will treat all of u very well (APPLY TO YEAR 2005 INTAKE ONLI) LOL. (just be careful of some pig communist PLS)



and btw zhen hao.

i will support u in your diet man!!! just dont expect me to eat less in front of u! in fact, maybe expect me to eat more in front of u! LEARN TO RESIST TEMPTATION. i damn good friend man...help u train. YESSA!

but seriously, dont eat so little leh...eat same but excercise more!!! u eat so little and still jog so often, sure faint ah one day.

kk?!?! must be practical!!! dont siao siao want to become thin then dunno ur own health.



alrite people! thats all. actually wanted to just write the first paragraph on this entry about my freedom but turn out so long! suddenly all the important things came to my mind!

good! means my mind is going back to normal . thank God.

im abit worried about her.

Feeling

i can feel it.

the time is soon.

im sure my friends will be glad when it happens. woo.

no point rushing it.

just let it come. (how ironic)



dont think too soon humans.

im available for questioning.

Days

hello everyone. its been some days since my last entry.

anyways,

yesterday, i met ying hui.

for those of you who have been following my blog, you may remember ying hui in one of my past month post. i think.

well, as predicted by fukun and me, his problems with his gf has come, and on the dot, after a month.

so he came to me to tell me his problem. even though i probrably couldnt help him much. but hey, i understand, i do that all the time too.

well, good luck to him and how he gonna tell his girl.



as i was leaving school to meet ying hui to play pool, i happen to meet alex, benson, and shirley.

coincidently, they too were going for a pool game. and thats freaking sweet news.

along the way we met andrew, who decided to tag along.

so we all went to pavilion and i met ying hui there.

to my shock, i was actually handling my game considerably well!

i thought my skills had degraded quite abit since i entered poly.

maybe i was too...tense in the past about playing with my poly mates.

i beat shirley twice. hahahaaa. i laugh because she so wanna beat me but HOHO. sadly she beat me once at the end. eh -.-

wynner was there too.

it was damned fun. its been some time since i enjoyed myself like this. i found that...im no longer sorrowful about events happening. sure...its sad to me...but probrably...i no longer worry about it.

come what may.



other then that, i saw abby twice today. and both times i found myself accompanying her.

though we didnt talk much.

but its ok.

Fear

today is the first time i had this certain fear concerning her.

what is this fear?





the fear that she might have feelings for some other guy.

in other words, the fear of losing her in THAT SENSE.

it came as a shock to me when i suddenly realised that fact.

and whats more after all these events.

do u noe what this means?

i think i do.

Blind Rage

now.

lets see.

so she says she dont wanna be my friend anymore.

which ended in me utterly pissed.

why?



because she went back on her word that we would continue being friends.

WHY WOULDNT I HATE FOR THAT.

am i expected to just be alrite with that and as if its no big deal.

it is a big deal.

and im a human. im not exactly a saint.

so if i dont get pissed, i think somethings wrong with me.



lets see.

i changed my nick to include 'im glad i can hate u openly now' after we chatted.

yeah. pretty stupid move.

and then jia asked am i sure i hate her.

to which MADE ME THINK.

i dont HATE her. but still. at that moment...i was pissed at her.

pissed enough to not bother what i say anymore.

i mean. what she has done...im so mad at that. swearing and cursing CANNOT MEASURE HOW I FEEL about it.

but still. the truth is she is still MY FRIEND.

cos i honour her words and i agreed to be her friend till the end.

okok. sure she GOT HER REASONS. and ALL THAT.

but yeah, i have my reasons to be unhappy as well. respect that. or stfu.



do u noe the onli reason i write this blog now is all for that girl.

the onli reason im writing THIS ENTRY is so she can read it and NOE ME.



bottom line.

i was very pissed at her.

i couldnt take it.

i blew up.

i put the wrong thing in my nick in anger.

ur still MY friend.

as for the other way around, thats for u to decide now.

Note

hi ex-friend.

u just threw away a friend. good or not, i dunno.

u feel alrite with that?

if u dont, then think about what u could lose if u didnt throw me away.

that must be worth it.

very worth it.

if not u wont be able to live with urself.

and thats sad.

your dear ex-friend,

Victor Goh

Prayer and Acceptance

today i went to church again, for the 2nd time after more then a year.

again, like last week, i asked for but one thing.

guidance for the both of us in our moment of turmoil.

with that, i have no doubts the path that follows is the will of the Lord.

whether i like it or not.

Talk

as i read her post, i could feel my breath getting heavier and heavier. i could feel my chest muscles contracting. my hands got cold.

i cant stop thinking either.

and what makes u think its as if i think ONLI OF MYSELF.

did i say ur not sad, pissed, confused, disapointed. did i say its onli me feeling that way?

if u can. then leave it.

as u always say.

'up to u loh'. oh yeah. dont forget the wink. 0.-



the best way probrably to the normal human, is to leave it. as she types: 'ignore and live as per normal.'

however. i feel it is not the best way. probrably cos im not the typical human.

i have never left things...unsettled, between my friends.

thats rite.

ur still my friend.

wasnt it u who told me to never stop being your friend? UNLESS UVE FORGOTTEN.

sure...we have our ISSUES...and PROBS...but does that mean ur not gonna be friends anymore?

we need to talk.

and by talking, i dont mean asking me to go the the library and waiting for a conversation. (so kill me)

i mean sitting down, and DISCUSSING our problems face to face. asking me to the library wasnt a good idea, cos u didnt ask me to talk. u asked me to accompany u. if u dont noe the (big and yet subtle) difference, i dunno how to explain it to u.

enough about the library.

though using our blogs as a way to transmit our feelings to each other at a given point of time is useful, i would think it doesnt solve things much. (and personally i think its abit tiring)

i feel like saying 'if u are still adamant on leaving things as they then its fine'

but ya noe what.

its NOT FINE to me. so i cant say that.

5 random things

due to abby writing my name in her blog, as to say she wants me to do this activity on my blog too, i have decided to continue this trend.

not cos she wants me to.

cos i respect her as a friend.





1.
i take pride in myself and who i am. i dont hate myself in any way. i love and respect myself. but im not self obsessed either.

2.
i have many friends i dont give 2 nuts about. ALOT. but theres not one of them i would turn away if he/she is a friend in need. but still. i dont love these friends much.

3.
i hate going out with people i dont care/know/bother about.

4.
i like simplicity. but i dont like simple minded people. theres a big diff. and i realli want a simple life away from all this city and speed.

5.
i love swords. and martial arts.


now. im supposed to write 5 people who i want to do this activity too.

but i wont.

alrite.

ive come to a decision.

im not gonna write much more in my blog for some time.

not unless i realli feel i need to.



cos i see my blog and i see so many things i dont like.

lots of things that arent what represents me.

enough of this. EVERYTHING about this needs a break.

Surreal

haha!

i just turned on the radio.

and the words i heard

'u got stuck in a moment and ya cant get out of it.'



oh how true my Lord.

haha.



i find im relating more and more things in life to God.

maybe thats a good thing. i mean...can it be bad?

the sermon i attended told a story of not being ashamed of ur faith.

hmm...

it shows ur not afraid. it shows ur loyal.

thats something all humans should be yeah? not onli those acting under religion.



hmm...ok

i made it through today. wow. what a day.

everyday seems that faithful friday has been like a wild adventure.

it seems almost like a dream.

why?

because i never expected myself to ever end up like this.

and in so short a time.

its almost unbelieveable. considering the tame life i often expect to lead.



so anyways.

i realise i became so blind.

geez.

ok. the truth is, i kinda knew i was gonna be blinded. but hell. i didnt care!

shows how blinded i was.

the thing i originally wanted, was just to be there for her.

that alone was enough!

but then, the more she wanted to accept her fate, the less i wanted to accept it as well.

and so all the more i wanted to go further then my (initially) intended actions.

after all the stuff we went through, and after i probrably broke my limit yesterday (side note: so fast? am i weak or was it THAT bad), and thus losing my confidance and cool (OH THE SHAME), i was reminded of how things should be cos of her.

yeah. cos of her! (i am shamed!!! haha)

maybe she doesnt realise it. but she did. she woke me up my my pitiful state. thank goodness.



and um...

let me make it clear

IM GLAD SHE TOLD ME.

I DO NOT REGRET FEELING THIS PAIN.

I DO NOT REGRET FINDING OUT THE TRUTH.

HER KEEPING HER FEELINGS WOULD HAVE HURT ME MORE.

yeah. ok...if she never told me, i wouldnt noe...BUT if i were to die and find out, i would be very very VERY upset.



and um...though theres no way i can prove it, i DO understand how u feel.

i bet it must have been all the more confusing for u.

and i never doubted that. we were both in pain.

but maybe i seemed as if i didnt realise.

cos i was just being a jack ass.

im sorry. i think its part of me being a guy.



and um...hey.

friends can have feelings for each other rite?

HA.

Tears

today at about 11pm.

is the first time i cried so hard probrably since i was a baby.



i never cried so much as tonite.

not even when i broke my leg in 3 places.

not even during my eye surgery during pri school.



i never cried cos of Ching Ling.

i cried tears of joy cos of Xi Xiang. but my eyes were just watery.

i never cried cos of Vannessa.

i did cry tears cos of Jovin. but it was just a little.



no tears flowed before tonite.

they onli surfaced...never flowing.



ive never been so hurt before. never.

the tears just flowed.

on my bed, and i just cant control it.

the tears just go and they flows down to my ears.

i get up and they go over my cheeks. wiping it off doesnt help.

thinking about it more...i cant stop crying...

even now as my fingers move across the keyboard.



this is how much i love you.

Guidance

i need a break from this bullshit.





oh btw. i went to church today. after more then an year long absence.

just so u noe, the church i go to is the Church Of The Holy Trinity.

so. i went for mass today.

and i listened to the sermon.

ok. its was quite interesting. cos it concerned me somewhat. it concerns 'laid back catholics'. in other words, catholics who dont put much affort in thier faith. yeap.

i wont go into that.

the main thing is, it was the first time i prayed i a long time as well.

well, its the first time i prayed in church for a long long time ya noe? theres a difference when ur at home praying then when ur in church praying.

cos in church, i remember what im praying about cos its realli important.

the thing i prayed for, was for God to guide her and me through this ordeal.

to correct me if im doing the wrong thing. to correct her if shes doing the wrong thing. cos i dont noe who is rite and who is wrong. even if i knew, it wouldnt help.

onli God could help me then.

GUIDE US. thats what i asked for. simple.





but today. for some reason, im damn moody cos of her.

its small things ya noe...small things gather. over time it gets so overwhelming u just wanna blow up.

seriously. i began thinking to myself. why didnt i just give her up after that first incident? i knew she was too different. and YET. somehow i still ended up here.

ying hui would have made the right choice after all. ying hui was rite after all. im too fucking nice. im too fucking forgiving.

somehow i noe...even after this i wont forget anything about her. damn. this is me.





i found myself sitting down and wondering:

is this how God wishes to guide me now? is this the way God wants to lead me?

does anyone understand what im thinking and feeling now?

if u do, tell me. i noe some close friends of mine have been responding to my situation. to these people, i thank u for your attention and audience.

My Love

i feel so serious about her.

so. serious.

this is the first time i realli feel...id be willing to go all the way.

but then again. im just one human.

will the day come when i decide to realli give it up?

ill never noe.

but ill never give up witout trying.



and maybe thats why u love me too.



we believe in the same God...but how come we our beliefs can be so different?!

this is the first time in a long time i feel like onli God can help me now.

i decided some time ago...i wouldnt seek help from God just for small things, or things i could at least control a little.

so it led to me barely praying to God for assistance.

but this...i can do nothing about it. nothing at all. except to love her.

and somehow thats not enough.

helplessly im hoping for salvation.



i love u. maybe forever, maybe not.

but i noe, ill love u till the last, till i can no longer do so.

and then ull noe. i always loved u.

and God will noe it too.

My Resolve

theres a sudden and drastic turn of events now...



ill just leave...some words to myself...and to whoever it may concern...



i realli have strong feelings for you. realli. i do.

if i didnt have strong feelings before. i do now. after all my hardship and patience, i feel like tonight was the time it all paid off.

but no sooner had i thought my reward was given to me, i realised...it was not meant as a reward. no...

it was not a reward.

maybe...it was a reminder from God...

to remind me of my faith.

like...i thought i had it in my grasp. but it was taken away the next moment.

WHY!

because of religion.

because of God.




now i feel this...yes...i dont deserve her...not yet...ive not proven my worth and ive not been faithful to my church. im a sinner. of course i dont deserve this.

this was set like this...so that i would have to EARN my love.

because of this, i feel as if shes the one.

does anyone understand what i mean?

i feel shes the one, simply because of this obstacle. how is it that its so coincidental and sudden, all these events transpire before my eyes witout me able to control anything!

the 'reward' was shown to me. and then it was taken. as a reminder of what i would get, and what i would need to work for. do u SEE IT?!

i simply CANNOT let this go.

why?!

because i can not bring myself to leave her that way.

if she is to continue that path, HOW SAD IT WOULD BE.

it brings me great sorrow THINKING about it. how can i just let it go WHILE SHE SUFFERS.



perhaps its time for me to go back with God.

FLIPPIN' MAD

WOOOOOOO

i feel so freakin HIGH! though i was feeling ABOSUTELY NUTZ just 30 min ago IM STILL FLYING.

I AM SOOOO HIGH!

IM MAD!

IM CRAZY!

XD XD XD XD XD

is she talking about me?



the truth is, i still havent gotten over.

is it wrong?

someone answer me.

Culture and Expression

today, i had the elective class, Culture and Expression

it was very interesting.

but theres 2 things i hate though.

1.
the VSC irritants. (note: im not generalizing here. im just talking about CERTAIN organic beings belonging to the fun course VSC.)

2.
the fat irritating noisy moron sitting 4 spaces away to my left. i cant shake off the feeling he is in VSC. must resist.

damn. if i cant stand something in a class, ESP IN POLY, its childish morons who dont noe when is the limit.

SHUT UP FOOLS.

maybe im just too boring. but hoho. ME.