A hundred days of happiness burned away in a moment of selfishness.

OH Woe

I am a hard-hearted bastard who doesn't give a flying fudge about your problems.

Nothing gets to me like problems with my design work.

Feel emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.

All from just sitting down and thinking, planning, trying to do something.

I don't wish to serve.

My Joy

I take this cross of my own accord, not because I enjoy suffering, but because in the trials and tribulations I find some kind of joy. Joy that cannot be gotten from an unchained existence; joy that has no need to be explained or comprehended.

A statement like that makes no sense. But it is true.

And for this same reason, I love as I do, with all the sufferings that come with it.

This is for you.

I choose. You choose.

My personal beliefs are personal.

The experience of God is a personal one.

A religion brings one closer to God.

It involves rituals and theology.

Is religion communal or personal?

Do I need a religion to know God?

I think not.

So why then do you choose to be Catholic?

I choose to follow this path.

You did not answer.

I did. But you do not want an answer.

Nights of silent sorrow that reach far within the darkest depths of nothingness.

I dont know how to pray this. So I have decided I will type it out.

I am angry. Upset. Tired.

God, I am angry, upset and tired. Not at you. Definitely not. But at your people. I am upset that those who planned the Christmas party did not consult us, the Logistics team. And then they expect us to go through with the decoration like it is our job. They thought of the concept and when they were satisfied, left the work to us to do. I really do feel this way, like they are throwing their job to us. They speak to the crowds and build the hopes up for the event and expect us to work to match up to those hopes. But I cannot see it Lord, I cannot! Each time I hear them my heart worries as I just don't see it. It falls to us to work!!!

Dear God, I am very very very angry when I think about it all!

Now for this week I have to work on the decor everyday. I never wanted this but somehow it became my problem.

I am sacrificing my time to do this when I barely feel their presence. I NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM DOING EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!

It is not just this Christmas party. I am tired of setting up decoration for events that I have no interest in and have no joy in doing whatsoever. God, if I were to serve you, I want to serve in gladness and joy, not in agony. I do not want to be a part of this any longer but I am bound by responsibility.

God, guide me in my actions and in what I do. You know me and you alone shall judge me in the coming weeks. I have decided that once I fulfill this task, I will no longer be involved in such work that pains me.

God guide me. God give me strength to do what I have to do.

God...I will continue on, because I have no choice now. They need me and that is why I continue, because I cannot just leave it without finishing. But I am resolute in my desire to no longer suffer this in the future.

Help me God.

Help me to find peace.

Help me to forgive them.

Help me to be RESOLUTE and ADAMANT for what is right and just!

Help me to do what is necessary!

Help me to love them while speaking and to act in love once it is over.

This I pray to you Lord.

Amen.

Be a volunteer

Serve with joy. You must.

This blog.

I realise all of my friends old blogs are no longer active.

Blogging was popular back in 2004.

Now no one bothers.

And yet I still blog now and then.

This blog is so very old.

It has so many memories kept inside of it.

All the good and bad experiences, the terrible writing, the totally unpolitically correct entries I used to post, the interesting stories, the rants, the many reflections and thoughts.

And yet... One day it will be left behind. All of it.

Makes me somewhat sad.

If you are an old friend of mine who knew this blog, leave me a msg.

Taylor Swift

I've slept 3 hrs in 2 days and you need to shut up.

I feel lost without her.

Lord, help. Help.

The Dark Root

The darkness does not seep in.

It seeps out from the heart and infects the rest of the body.

And the root of it is in the intellect of ones mind.

In observance, evil and twisted thoughts do occur.

In remembrance, temptations sometimes get to me.

The hunt for things long lost, and the hunt for things anew.

Will he ever be satisfied?

Dear God

Dear God, if ever I were to doubt You, You have made it such that I can never doubt what You have gifted me. As logic dictates, the giver is greater than the gift, thus it has been made so that I should never doubt. But in my mortal weakness and cursed intellect, I do. Let what has been given me be a reminder of You, O Lord. Despite my misgivings and flaws, You have seen me through this existence, and in the faith You place upon me, I have no right to resist You or turn away from You.

Dear God. I thank You for bringing Karen into my life.

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you,

Philippians 1:3

I stare at the screen, thinking of all the things I should note down.

I get to writing. And nothing happens.

The purpose seems lacking.

And that is the story of this blog for now.

Little words written by me mean so little next to the reality that is her.

My words try to shine some light of my feelings but what could compare?

The look in her eyes is enough for my heart to skip a beat.

And that may very well kill me one day.

Or have I already been slain?

Two men seek a great treasure.

Both go their own ways in seeking out what they desire, following what they feel is best in their hearts.

They end up in entirely different routes on their journey.

One ends up in the dessert.

The other finds himself in the vast ocean.

Who was on the right path and who was further away?

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As men are different, so too are their ways. As truth is definite, so too the paths leading to it.

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Is Truth definite?

Yes.

Is there a fixed Truth among man?

No, I do not believe so.

To be spiritual is an attempt to see the world in its intended reality. To see a perspective of this world which the eye alone cannot witness. Instead, the heart itself is used to feel, to see and to hear, and in doing so, to perceive a truth that goes beyond the surface.

To be lacking in the spirit would be to see the world in its reality, but only with the mind of logic and pure rationality, without the sense of "feeling". It reminds me of chasing after desires that have no lasting worth. A habit of those who seek to fill the void in their hearts with the things of this world.

To be over-spiritual... is to see what is in ones imagination, puffing it up, and proposing it as reality. The defining quality of over-spiritualism would be the exaggeration of the mind that seems to supersede the normal intended purpose of things. To make something appear to be more than it is.

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Those lacking in spirit are oft characterised as people who chase after objects of material value that have little worth in the afterlife. The types who seem to place integrity lower on the list. The types who use their bodies for their own devices. It has little to do with religion. Everything to do with principle.

Those who are over-spiritual are oft characterised as the religious who go through extra lengths to credit everything in their lives to something supernatural. They fail to see the world as it is and instead make of it what they imagine to be something much more grand. The danger here lies in the distortion of truth to suit their conceived notions.

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Are we guilty of being either?

Tis not to say that the world is simply mundane. In fact, it is so much in its ordinary state. No need for embellishments. It is beautiful simply because. Something that must be felt, not studied. Stand silent and behold.